Dennis York

A Message From the President

2007-02-09T14:49:00.000-06:00

So by now, you have probably read the article about who I am. I figured I should at least say something before I fold up shop here at the blog. There’s been a lot of speculation about my identity and motives for a while, so I should set some of it straight.

First of all, I wanted to address the whole issue of anonymity. I can completely understand people who are skeptical of writers who write with pseudonyms. They shouldn’t have to use a fake name if they didn’t have anything to hide, right?

It killed me all along not to be able to use my own name – although when I started this thing, I honestly never thought anyone would read it and it wouldn’t even matter. I just started doing it to make myself and a couple of friends laugh. I never expected it to get the attention it did. I can see where people in the capitol would be anxious if a staffer was somehow dishing out gossip or inside secrets, but I never did that. I was just a guy with opinions, and I shared them – hopefully in a way that entertained on occasion.

If people are looking for insider dirt or a “look at me, I work in the Capitol because I can name some Assembly members” attitude, those blogs exist. I wanted to be more than that, because I thought I could actually shed some light on some issues, rather than just taking shots. When I did criticize someone, I always provided substantiation in the form of a link or citation. I always operated on the assumption that I could be outed the very next day, and that I should be proud of what I posted. My position on some of the people I criticized has even shifted, in some cases.

Secondly, people are asking me whether all the stuff on the site is true. Sadly, yes. I never did mention my son, as that would make it so completely obvious who I was. But as you can see, I briefly retired during the period he was born, just to have some time off to get ready. The stress from being chased down by reporters didn’t help, either.

Finally, I wanted to thank all the people that knew who I was and kept it to themselves. You are all truly great friends, and provided me with a lot of feedback, information, and criticism. I especially want to thank the people who kept being accused of being me, who held strong and didn’t give it up. I also want to apologize to the people to whom I had to deny it was me. I hope you all understand. Your check is in the mail.

So I’m on to write for the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute. I’m working on some big things for the website, so I hope you’ll all follow me there. It is a great organization – providing commentary, reports, and the Wisconsin Interest Magazine. Hopefully, you all keep checking out the changes that will be going on over at http://www.wpri.org/ in the future. There may not be as many posts about Jim Doyle's body waxing, but hopefully I can provide some commentary on issues of the day that entertain.

So that’s it. I’ll miss doing the blog. I can’t believe anyone cared about 90% of what I had to say, but I appreciate it. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to have people linking to, discussing, and quoting stuff that I wrote. I have pretty much gone two years without getting any sleep, and that makes it all worth it.

-Chris

UPDATE: I just filmed an interview with Channel 27 here in Madison. Fat-apalooza will commence at 6 PM. I think they're putting it on the web, too.

Oh, and another thing - I was the one who came up with the term "Frankenstein Veto." That is all.

UPDATE UPDATE: WKOW has the video of my fat melon on their site. I honestly don't even know what my quote means - and I keep looking to the left because one of their reporters was walking out of a door on the set.

Bad Timing

2007-02-08T08:48:00.000-06:00

I'm applying for a new life insurance policy (my wife is insisting I get it - which should worry me significantly), and last night I had my over-the-phone health check. It's the thorough interview where they ask you if you've ever had gingivitis, grown an extra head, sykydive while using an intravenous drug, or whatever. They asked me if I drank heavily, if I did heroin, and if I used marijuana. That took me all the way to Tuesday of this week.

Anyway, they were asking me if I had any of these horrible diseases and I kept saying my health was clean as a whistle. In the middle of these questions, though, I started coughing and couldn't stop. This angered me, as with every cough, I could see my premium going up. "Cough" CHING! "Cough." CHING! They probably think they're getting some dying guy who just lied to them on every question. I can't wait to see my first bill now. I'll probably be paying more Courtney Love.

The Importance of Sex

2007-02-06T17:56:00.000-06:00

In December of last year, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported on a program known as “Sex Out Loud” at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The program, with a budget of $90,000, serves the purpose of providing “graphic workshops on how to give and receive sexual pleasure.” Supporters of the program claim it’s necessary, given how 80% of students aged 18-24 are having sex (the other 20% just aren’t trying hard enough).

One quick point up front – for most of us, the challenge isn’t giving or receiving sexual pleasure. The real challenge is giving or receiving sexual pleasure with someone else in the room. I mean, seriously – sex is the easy part. The hard part is finding someone to do it with. One you have found someone willing (or drunk) enough to form a meaningful overnight bond with you, you’re really 98% of the way there. Teaching some guys sexual “techniques” is about as useful as teaching a porcupine to skydive.

Furthermore, where did we go wrong when sex became so important that the UW-Madison felt they needed to teach it? Let’s face it – sex is growing in importance. It's everywhere, and everyone is doing it. In fact, the cost to society for all the sex going on is incalculable when you consider the damage done by children without families. So why do we place such a premium on an activity that everyone can do? And do we really need government encouraging us to do it?

If your university isn't telling you how to have sex, they are likely conducting a study on why you're not. According to a study released by researchers at Johns Hopkins last week, "increased physical activity may also prevent decreased erectile function." Is that really news? Chances are, if you're fat, you're going to have decreased erectile function all right - since it will likely cost you money to speak with a live woman. Next up from the researchers at Johns Hopkins - "Decreased erectile function linked to having food in your mustache."

Think about how important already sex is to men. In order to get it, they are willing to do anything – get hair plugs, buy nice cars, imperil their marriages, jeopardize their presidencies, and worst of all, pretend they like Sarah McLachlan. It clouds our judgment and forces us to ignore obvious flaws in the women we pursue. If you are a man looking to have sex with a woman, you hear yourself say delusional things like “it’s so cute when she plugs her nose with oatmeal,” "I prefer mono-brows" and “you know, she really gets around well for only having one leg.”

But why is sex so special? I mean, think about what sex actually is at its most basic physiological level – it’s a 90 second activity that results in a fleeting moment of happiness. Word on the street is that you can even provide that moment to yourself (so I hear. Just a rumor.) So why do people care about it so much?

From a man’s perspective, I think I have the answer. Sex is important not because of the actual act of sex itself, but because it allows a man to say the following:

“I can’t believe I found someone willing to let me do that to her!”

You see, despite your slovenly lifestyle, marginal paycheck, and questionable looks, suddenly you found someone willing to ignore all of that to engage in the most intimate of acts with you. And that fact alone is awesome. You wake up the next morning fully expecting a ceremony where you’re awarded a gold medal for “tricking a woman into thinking you’re worthwhile.” It’s a validation of your lifestyle – a measuring stick to see where your street value currently stands.

And that's really what's important about sex - not how you do it, but whether you have the opportunity to do it. When Sex Out Loud says that they're teaching "the kinks and fetishes that can help students satisfy their sexual desires, and that sexual pleasure improves physical and mental health," it's a crock.

I mean, really - is there anyone who hasn't figured out the "pleasing" process? Are there still women trying to please men by putting a live lobster in their underpants? (Wait - don't answer that.)

Depending on your view of how people came into being, some dude thousands of years ago had to figure out the modern way of being "pleased." So gold star to that guy - although he probably had to buy an expensive dinner. And shortly after being the first guy to have sex, he also notably became the first guy to forget a girl's phone number.

Frankenstein Follies

2007-02-06T17:02:00.000-06:00

Senate Minority Leader Scott Fitzgerald's office sent me this clever re-working of some of Doyle's comments. It's illustrative of the ridiculous ways that Wisconsin governors can use the budget as a word puzzle and enact laws that the legislature never intended.

Quick Question

2007-02-06T07:18:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about the word "ruthless." What is "ruth," and why are you such a bastard if you don't have any of it? I think the world needs more ruth.

A Historic Super Bowl: Woman Starts First Game at Quarterback

2007-02-04T20:42:00.000-06:00

Other observations:

80% of Super Bowl ads now feature talking animals. It's advertising gold.

Doritos reminds us what a historic event this is for African-Americans - then urges them to buy their chips.

People under 25 years old likely have no idea why Prince is famous. That being said, his halftime show was spectacular. Was that a Foo Fighters song?

With the Bears loss, Brett Favre retains the deed to the City of Chicago. He owns you guys.

Jim Sorgi: Super Bowl Champion.

Obama's Biggest Skeptics

2007-02-01T20:03:00.000-06:00

In watching video of Charlie Sykes' television show from last week, one thing in particular struck me during the discussion of Barack Obama. In the reading I've done, there seems to be one group that is most skeptical of Obama's chances of being elected President. That group?

African-Americans.

Ask white people whether they think Obama can be elected president or not, and you'll get an almost unanimous, "well... yeah - he can." Whether he actually will, or whether they would vote for him is a different story - for instance, I think he can be elected, but I'd never vote for him.

Take, for example, this Washington Post article, which talks about the tenuous line Obama has to walk with black voters. If he does the things necessary to become President, he has to take positions that risk alienating the African-American vote. If he adheres to philosophies of his South Side Chicago constituency, he'd be seen as too liberal, and therefore lose the support of valuable moderate voters.

Even if he were able to walk that tenuous line, blacks still seem to be skeptical of Obama's electability. African-Americans may not believe America has progressed to the point where they would elect a fellow African-American. I strongly disagree with this sentiment - all Colin Powell would have to do is wave his finger and it would send flocks of white people to the polls as if they were giving away free John Mayer albums.

The more cynical interpretation of this sentiment would be to say that blacks don't want to believe that America would vote for a black president. If there could be an African-American president, would white people think that racism is now no longer a problem? Would blacks worry that white people would wash their hands of issues of racial equality once they elected a black president, as if everything's on an even plane now? Wasn't electing TWO Palmer brothers within two years of each other enough?

On a somewhat related topic, I enjoyed this column by Peter Beinart of the New Republic on the root of Obama's popularity (free registration required). I think he gets it right.

100% of the research for this post was drawn from the song "Black Republican" by Nas and Jay-Z.

Tobacco Trickle-Down

2007-01-30T21:59:00.000-06:00

With all of the juicy topics regarding Governor Doyle's proposed cigarette tax (his flip-flop on raising the tax, whether the money will be used for health care, using taxes to regulate behavior of a legal product, etc.), it's no wonder most discussions of the plan fall into those categories.

However, despite what Doyle would have you believe, there are more people affected by the proposal than just the consumers paying the tax. Doyle's logic: people who purchase cigarettes will be the ones paying the tax, and will be the ones that need the health care in the future - plus, the higher taxes will convince more people to stop smoking, as lighting up will become cost prohibitive.

Forgotten in that whole equation is the fact that people who buy cigarettes have to get them from somewhere. They buy them from grocery stores, gas stations, and bars, all of whom make money off their sale.

In 2003, the Wisconsin Department of Health and Family Services reported that 387.6 million packs of cigarettes were smoked in the state. For argument's sake, let's say the average cost per pack was $1.50 (not counting the 77 cent state tax). That comes to $581 million in sales made by businesses in 2003 (a rough estimate, to be sure).

Let's say Doyle's program is wildly succesful and results in a dramatic 50% drop in cigarette consumption. Those are sales that are going to have to be made up by those grocery stores and mom and pop gas stations. Since you're smart, you may have already figured out how a small grocery store would make up the lost revenue from declining cigarette sales. They, of course, would raise prices on everything else: jelly would be a nickel more, diapers would go up a dime. So in essence, depressing sales of cigarettes (still a legal product), just pops prices up elsewhere. So it ends up being a tax on everyone, regardless of their smoking habits.

Additionally, as long as cigarette sales via internet are still legal, you can expect a huge jump in those sales in Wisconsin - especially since they are exempt from the tax. This would further damage local businesses, and not do anything to really keep cigarette consumption down. According to tobaccofreekids.org, internet sales accounted for 14% of the total tobacco market in 2005, and the trend is growing.

Another portion of Doyle's plan is confusing. If he's so convinced of the evils of tobacco companies, why does the State of Wisconsin Investment Board invest so heavily in them? According to the 2005 schedule of investments, the State retirement fund holds the following stocks:

British American Tobacco: 1.2 million shares, worth $23 million
Imperial Tobacco Group: 955,000 shares, worth $25.7 million
Japan Tobacco: 572 shares, worth $7.6 million

And those are just the ones with the words "Tobacco" in their names. Surely, there are many more that are subsidiaries of other companies.

What Doyle is doing, in essence, is taking on the tobacco companies, which state retirees have a financial interest in seeing do well. In fact, their retirement funds depend on it. Wouldn't the unions have a problem with this?

Finally, few people are pointing out that an increase on the cigarette tax is about as regressive as a sales tax can get. The poor and minorities buy cigarettes at a disproportionately higher level, so it really is a tax increase on those groups.

An excellent summary of tobacco use and taxes can be found in this Legislative Fiscal Bureau paper. It includes this interesting tidbit that explains how the Native American tribes figured into the current sales tax configuration:

The tax on cigarettes was converted from an occupational tax to an excise tax in 1983. This change allowed the state to impose the tax on sales of cigarettes made by Native Americans to non-Native Americans on reservations. Currently, the state has agreements with most Native American tribes through which Native American retailers purchase and sell only stamped (taxed) cigarettes. The state then provides a refund to the tribes of 70% of the tax paid on sales to non-Native Americans and 100% of the tax paid on sales to Native Americans (federal law prohibits states from imposing a cigarette tax on sales by Native Americans to Native Americans on reservations). The refund provision was enacted to encourage Native American retailers to sell only stamped cigarettes. Previously, unstamped cigarettes were sold on reservations, which raised concern regarding competition and the administration and collection of taxes for sales to non-Native Americans. The refund provision was enacted as part of the 1983-85 biennial budget.

A Note On Tonight's "24"

2007-01-29T22:06:00.000-06:00

I admit that I personally have never tried the famous "steal a suspected terrorist's cell phone from his pocket, then three minutes later try to sneak it back into his pocket" maneuver, but I can't imagine it has a high success rate.

Crazy Candidates' Free Press Pass

2007-01-28T22:29:00.000-06:00

At times, I like to point out examples of bad or slanted reporting in the local news media. This isn't because I'm particularly mean, I just think sometimes I can provide perspective on issues that you don't normally see covered by reporters. However, I have found an issue that has caused me to sympathize with local media. That is; how do you cover candidates that are completely crazy?

I'm not talking "crazy" in the sense of "I disagree with every word they say," kind of crazy. Take the mayoral race here in Madison as a prime example. Will Sandstrom is once again running for mayor, and he is completely nuts. Seriously - somewhere there is an empty bed at a mental health facility crying out for him. During mayoral candidate debates, he is prone to long diatribes about his mother contracting gangrene, his father cooking moonshine, kids calling him "China Boy" growing up, his time dodging bullets in a Russian prison, and how he coined the term "Fish and Wildlife."

A 2003 State Journal piece on Sandstrom contained this gem:

In 1970, he tried to run for governor, insisting the Mafia had stolen the nation and was prolonging the Vietnam War to protect its drug trade. But when he tried to deliver nominating petitions, he said, he was arrested at the state Capitol for an outstanding parking ticket. He was disqualified over questions about nominating petitions, news accounts say.

In a recent question posed by The Isthmus regarding public financing of the Overture Center, Sandstrom accused Mayor Dave Cieslewicz of funneling "millions" of dollars to the Mafia. At a 2003 debate, he brought up nude swimming, Bing Crosby and Argentina's economic crisis, and called his opponents "boobs."

In 2003, Sandstrom caused a stir when he warned of the dangers of Mexican and Chinese immigration, and the increase in crime that would result. The Capital Times printed a feature where candidates were allowed to question each other on whatever issue they saw fit. Candidate Bert Zipperer, who listed race relations as his "number one" issue for Madison, asked the following question, and received this response from Sandstrom. Seriously.

Zipperer's Question:

Research done by a professor at UW-Green Bay has identified the nation from which the most undocumented workers in Wisconsin come from. That nation is Canada. Do you believe that we can create a community where all groups, including our Canadian brothers and sisters, are valued for their contributions?

Sandstrom's Response:

We need not buy into some Green Bay-New York City professor's schmaltzy spin. In the 1950s I heard a New York City "wolf authority" professor state, "In winter wolves do not murder Bambi and Daisy, the deer, but rather dig through snow to eat frozen grasshoppers." That professor was "hopping on grass." I agree that many illegal immigrants come both by Mexico and Canada. But their contributions are needed desperately in their homelands. It is morally wrong that both America and Europe entice and steal people of value from their homelands and allow very low wage labor illegals to bust unions and take jobs from American citizens.

The hard part for the media is to figure out how to cover fringe candidates like this. The State Journal can't just introduce him as "Will Sandstrom, crazy person," even though anyone who has heard him speak for more than a minute knows this is the case. The paper can't pretend like it's taking sides in its non-editorial coverage of the race, so it has to present him as a viable candidate.

On the other hand, when the paper does cover a nutjob like Sandstrom, it's a complete waste of everyone's time, not to mention valuable column inches (Madison Magazine agrees).Plus, anyone who knows anything about the mayoral race knows that Sandstrom is a crazy person, so the paper loses a little credibility when they try to cover him in a serious way. We know he's nuts, and we know the reporter knows he's nuts, so why can't the paper just say so?

Take the article that appeared in the State Journal about Sandstrom today. The worst the article could say about Sandstrom was that Bert Zipperer thought he was a racist. If you oppose spending 80% of the city's budget on race relations programs, Zipperer likely thinks you are a racist, so is this really a damning charge?

In 2003, the State Journal published a brief "pros and cons" section about the mayoral candidates. For Sandstrom, they wrote:

* Will Sandstrom. Well educated and boldly speaks his mind, and has appealing property tax cut theme. But he lacks name recognition and executive experience, and ethnic comments have drawn boos.

Oh yeah, that and he's F'ING INSANE! They forgot that part.

I do think the local papers have tried their best to strike a balance with crazy candidates. Often times, they are only casually mentioned in their coverage of debates. But rarely are they covered in the negative light that they deserve. Often times, they are handed the attention they seek, which just promotes more and more non-serious candidates in the future.

Mostly, I blame the good government crowd. They demand that all these wierdos be allowed to participate in debates, when it's the public that suffers the most. People that go to a debate to hear Ray Allen, Dave Cieslewicz and Peter Munoz discuss relevant issues instead have to suffer through a half hour of Will Sandstrom's take on how Russian prostitution is Madison's number one issue. And everyone will sit politely, squirming in their seats until he's done, and pretend like it never happened. And we're all poorer as a result.

UPDATE: Here's the audio from a 2003 debate where Sandstrom goes on a legendary diatribe that is somehow supposed to explain why he should be mayor of Madison, Wisconsin. The question was about garbage collection or something, and he went on for two minutes about being embarrassed to walk around with his mother because she had gangrene. When he finished, the look on Paul Soglin's face was classic, as he actually had to try to answer the question without laughing.

Representin' the Fo' One Fo'

2007-01-28T21:44:00.000-06:00

A buddy of mine was watching some community access television last week, and saw an interview with Milwaukee rappers "Ghetto F.A.B." Apparently these young gentlemen decided to come to Madison to film a video for their song "Club Whistle/S.Y.A.D." The group, who lovingly termed Milwaukee's north side "Chocolate Heaven," filmed the video at the Blue Velvet with some of Wisconsin's most disease-free young ladies. Here it is, with language you can usually expect from big-time rappers like Ghetto F.A.B.

I can hear the director now: "Please, no pouring Hamm's on the bitches."

The Downfall of Electronic Records

2007-01-28T19:28:00.000-06:00

Last week, Governor Doyle unveiled a $30 million plan to help health care providers switch to electronic record keeping. Whether this use of tax money is necessary is up for debate, as many health care providers are doing this on their own.

Plus, I'm a little wary of the digital age. The chances of my next rectal exam showing up on YouTube just jumped to about 85%.

Another Library Conundrum

2007-01-26T09:11:00.000-06:00

Speaking of the disabled and libraries (how often do you say that on any given day?), my wife has found herself in a moral quandry. There's a new book out by an author that she really likes, and the library system has 25 copies. Unfortunately, there are 85 people on the waiting list for the book. The ink could disintegrate on the pages before she gets her hands on a copy.

There are, however, 5 copies of the LARGE TYPE version of the book available, and only 6 people on the waiting list. She wanted to know if by checking out the large type version, it's like parking in a handicapped parking spot. I told her that if she checks out one of the large type books, some old woman is going to be sitting at home, alone, crying in her denture cleaner. I told her that as long as she's in the mood, she should go around stealing walkers from the elderly.

This brings up an interesting question - are large type books like big screen plasma TVs for the literate? After reading him with large print and bigger pages, am I totally going to get Wittgenstein? If that's true, I'm doing the rest of my posts in larger fonts - it'll make my lame jokes 30% funnier.

There's also a joke to be had about reading nudie mags in braile, but I can't think of it. Feel free to submit.

Old Guy Question

2007-01-26T08:23:00.000-06:00

I have the feeling that a lot of old guys at the Capitol read my blog, and at least 70% of them are dirty old men. So I actually have a serious question:

From time to time, I skim old Blue Books and news articles for research info. Every now and then, I come across a picture of Susan Engeleiter, who was first elected to the Assembly at age 22, and to the Senate at age 28. She lost to Herb Kohl in 1988 by a 52-48 margin for the U.S. Senate seat held previously by William Proxmire.

Here's the question for the old guys:

Susan Engeleiter back in the day: Hot?

Submissions will be kept confidential (unless one of them happens to be a lawsuit from Susan Engeleiter).

Oh, and I'll try to find her Blue Book picture and post it.

UPDATE: Here's a picture I found on Google that looks like it might be from the college years - but when you see the Blue Book picture I'm talking about, you'll understand.

DOUBLE SECRET UPDATE: Here's her Blue Book photo from 1977 - but this isn't even the one I'm talking about. I'll keep looking.

They Have Dinettes, Apparently

2007-01-26T07:38:00.000-06:00

There are three main points covered in this instructive consumer message - and there will be a quiz, so pay attention. Answers will be posted below.

Answers:

1. Montgomery
2. Flea Market
3. Just like a mini-mall

Congratulations, you pass. Now make sure your wedding DJ gets his hands on this ill flow.

Rolling in Style

2007-01-25T17:44:00.000-06:00

I was doing some valuable research in my local library the other night (actually, I was looking through the CDs to see which ones I could check out and add to my iTunes). As I was browsing, a dude wearing a Bears jacket rolled up in a wheelchair.

My first instinct was to give him the stink-eye for being a Bears fan. But then I realized that would probably be bad, since he would immediately peg me as being anti-disabled people. In the end, I decided against engaging him at all, even though I was totally ready to rib him about whether he just bought that jacket on Monday.

I then got to thinking about how people are probably afraid to challenge the differently-abled, just because they don't want to get on their bad side. Who wants to be the jerk that yells at a crippled guy for cutting in front of him in the grocery store line? At that point, you've just stamped "HELL" on your passport.

I'd love it if people never gave me a hard time about anything. Damn, being in a wheelchair must be great.

Attention "24" Viewers

2007-01-25T17:36:00.000-06:00

Dave Barry is providing a play by play account of each Day Six episode over at his blog. They are not to be missed. Here's the one from this week.

Past episodes:

Prelude

Hours 1 and 2

Hours 3 and 4

There you go - it's up to you to check from now on.

Bush Renames Iraq War "Ronald Reagan Memorial Quagmire"

2007-01-23T22:04:00.000-06:00

U.S Capitol (AP) - In tonight's state of the union address, President George W. Bush unveiled a bold plan to regain public confidence in the Iraq War. "Difficult times in Iraq call for drastic changes - and renaming the war after President Ronald Reagan is a serious step that needs to be taken," said Bush, referring to the former President who enjoyed historically high approval ratings following his death in 2004.

"Renaming the war after our greatest president is a stroke of genius," said Grover Norquist, who founded the Ronald Reagan Legacy project, an organization whose sole goal is to get crap named after Reagan. "It's not often you see a worldwide disaster of this magnitude - Reagan's name will be in the paper every day for the next decade," gushed Norquist.

Bush announced his plan immediately before he detailed his push for a troop surge in Iraq. "The war has been going extremely well up to this point, so naturally we need to do the same thing, just more of it and all at once," explained the President, before he started laughing at how f'ing stupid that sounded.

Sensing discontent with his speech, Bush stopped midway through and immediately made every member of Congress a delicious turkey sandwich. "It was an uncoventional move, but his use of cranberry sauce as a topping was unparalleled," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

"The American soldiers who have died in Iraq are heroes," said Bush, adding that the war is creating more and more heroes on a daily basis. "The second worst thing that can happen to a fallen soldier is to devalue their sacrifice by opposing the war," said Bush. Coincidentally, the worst thing that can happen to a soldier is to no longer be alive.

Bush also announced that Baghdad will now be known as "Lance Armstrong," and that roadside bombs will be known as "Barbaros." Furthermore, internment camps will be set up in America for anyone that appears to have a unibrow. The latter move was immediately denounced by TV President Wayne Palmer, who had one of his writers script a third-grade level explanation of what internment camps were for him, and why they were bad. Finally, Bush announced that all military decisions would be made by a popular vote of the public. The American public responded by saying they would get around to planning the next strategic attack after taking a nap, watching the Rachael Ray Show, and heading downtown to cash their child support check.

Another provision of Bush's bold new agenda will mandate that bad news in Iraq now delivered to American citizens by a sassy, ambiguously gay Brit. "Americans love nothing better that having bad news being broken to them by tight t-shirt wearing British men," observed Bush. Following the Democratic response criticizing his speech, Bush pleaded with judges to give him a chance to just do one more speech, since his throat was a little dry the first time.

Detractors of the President's plan point out that he stole the idea from the best-selling Gerald Ford Feminine Napkins, unveiled late last year. Having failed to bring a Western-style democracy to Iraq, Bush lowered expectations and instead said that he would settle for installing a western-style Baskin Robbins restaurant in Baghdad.

Coaches Overcoming Their Blackness

2007-01-21T22:40:00.000-06:00

So the Super Bowl is set, as is the storyline that will be pounded into our heads for the next two weeks - that Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are the first two African-American head coaches to make the Super Bowl. Since modern sport stories are usually geared toward the lowest common denominator, this is the story that sports writers will think is the cheapest hit. It's only a matter of time before a reporter at Media Day asks Tony Dungy, "so how long have you been black?"

If I were African-American, I would probably think that was pretty cool - America can never have enough positive "firsts" for African-Americans. But let's not get carried away - African-Americans shouldn't exactly sit by their mailboxes waiting for their "Lovie Check" to show up in the mail.

To point out that both these coaches are black over and over again seems insulting and condescending - as if they are at some inherent coaching disadvantage simply because of their skin color. (Lovie Smith's greatest disadvantage is that he has a caucasian quarterback who sucks.) It has an almost "Awwww.... aren't those black coaches cute" type of vibe to it - like when they give a kid in a wheelchair an at-bat in tee ball.

What they are are simply two excellent head coaches who paid their dues. Unfortunately, it took too long for them to be able to start gaining the experience they have now. However, there have been really good African-American coaches for years and years now. Herm Edwards will make a Super Bowl, as will Marvin Lewis. People keep hiring Denny Green for some reason. The dude the Steelers just hired will suck, but not because he's black - because he was a Vikings assistant coach.

For the next two weeks, however, this will be a celebration of condescending white guilt on display. Sports commentators will be able to announce to the world how happy they are that there are two black coaches in the Super Bowl, and the sins of all their ancestors will vanish. Certainly, celebrating the skin color of two head coaches will go a long way to helping African-American kids trapped in failing schools with single mothers barely staying afloat. As I've said before, America shouldn't be judged on how many black head coaches we have - we should be judged on how many black CEOs, computer programmers, and doctors we have. And we're not doing well.

But this will be the obvious story that will be drilled into us over and over. Just like last week, when we were led to believe that New Orleans is only liveable now because the Saints won a few games this year. So now that the Saints lost today, does that mean New Orleans falls back to being a hopeless, unliveable hellhole?

So it's time to celebrate, Black America - all your problems have now been solved with these two head coaches making the Super Bowl. Racism has officially been eradicated - because Chris Berman told me so. Hopefully, African Americans will be able to cope with the fact that one of these coaches will actually lose.

That being said, go Colts.

Cultural "Sensitivity"

2007-01-18T20:20:00.000-06:00

It goes without saying that for all races and cultures to co-exist in America, there will need to be a high level of cross-cultural acceptance. On the other hand, some Hmong men may be stretching things just a little bit.

From today's Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (AP) -- A 22-year-old Hmong man who impregnated his 16 year-old wife when she was 15 will avoid jail by speaking to other Hmong about the importance of adhering to U.S. law.

"This resolution not only allows Lee to avoid a serious felony conviction and registration as a sex offender, it also provides education to traditional members of the Hmong community that while they have every right to celebrate their traditions and customs, they must do so in compliance with the law," he said.

The article also points out that they were not married when she was impregnated. So as long as you're from the right ethnic group, feel free to scope for dates at Chuck E. Cheese. But this paragraph killed me:

It's common for Hmong girls in Laos to marry and have children at age 15 or 16. But the Lees, who were both born in the United States, said their decision to have a child had nothing to do with their Hmong heritage.

So they admit it had nothing to do with being Hmong? So what did it have to do with? Lee's desire to throw it in a 15 year old? And for this he gets a slap on the wrist? He was better off with the Hmong cultural excuse.

Clearly, not all Hmong residents adhere to some of their traditions that conflict with Wisconsin law. However, there are also some who don't - which is why the state needs to fund programs like the Refugee Family Strengthening Project, a state program that primarily teaches Hmong men that beating their wives is illegal.

In 2004, Jim Doyle described the need for the program in a Department of Workforce Development press release, saying there was a need to "address family violence arising from cultural adjustment issues faced by refugee families as they assimilate into new communities within Wisconsin."

The Legislative Fiscal Bureau described the need for the program thusly:

Domestic abuse service providers believe domestic abuse is more prevalent among immigrant women than among U.S. citizens. Research has found that victims of domestic violence from certain communities, including non-English speaking communities, face greater barriers in accessing protections from abuse. Some of these barriers are lack of information about U.S. laws, lack of economic resources, language barriers, lack of culturally relevant services, and the socio-cultural impact on women from traditional cultures who decide to leave a marriage.

In the 2005-07 budget (p. 116, item 13), Doyle proposed $1.12 million in general purpose revenue for the Refugee Family Strengthening program. Legislative Republicans, not wanting to touch the issue with a 20 foot pole, approved the funding with a modest suggestion that the Governor should find the funding from a different source in the future.

Obviously, domestic abuse is a matter to be taken seriously. And the state does - in 2004-05, Wisconsin spent over $8 million in state and federal dollars on domestic abuse services, battered women shelters, and the like. Is it really necessary to spend extra money to teach people what the law is?

The Jason Lee case described above is a perfect example. Lee was born in America, impregnated a 15 year old, and didn't even claim that it was a "cultural" act. Yet he gets lenience anyway - the court actually applied a defense to Lee that he didn't even claim.

With Hmong men who abuse their wives, they likely make a claim that their behavior is "cultural." So instead of treating their behavior with the seriousness it demands, we excuse their behavior and spend a million dollars in scarce general purpose tax revenue to teach them what the law is. Sounds pretty "sensitive," unless you're a woman victimized by one of these "cultural" attacks.

Hunk O' Burnin' Love

2007-01-18T20:15:00.000-06:00

Ladies, when a guy tells you he's hot for your love, it might actually just be his cell phone.

Let's Get Out of this Country

2007-01-18T19:48:00.000-06:00

I can't stop humming this song.

Representin' The Dairy State

2007-01-18T19:33:00.000-06:00

I remember watching a black comedian once who made a funny point about how African-Americans watch the news differently than whites. He said that when the anchor announces a murderer or robber has been apprehended, the first thing blacks say to themselves is, "Please, don't be black."

It's gotten to be the same thing when watching American Idol. As soon as they show a bearded freak, the first thing I mutter to myself is, "Please don't be from Wisconsin." In fact, I mumbled those very words right before they showed that red-headed cro-magnon from Superior on last night's show (the one who did the falsetto "Bohemian Rhapsody" - the last bad one on this video.)

Fortunately, the Badger State dodged a bullet when "The Hotness" and the guy that looks like Golem proved to be from elsewhere.

I'm always looking out for how Wisconsin looks to outsiders - but I have to say stuff like this doesn't exactly help.

My Super Pooper

2007-01-18T19:22:00.000-06:00

It was a huge night in our household, as my daughter pooped on the toilet for the first time. We celebrated like she had just won an academy award (I would put a red carpet out leading up to the toilet, but people might confuse the poop for Joan Rivers.)

After 10 minutes of telling her what a Super Duper Pooper was, she actually started displaying some false modesty. She said, "Dad, it wasn't that big of a deal." She's almost Dwyane Wade-esque in her ability to downplay her superhuman abilities.

And when she reads this in 10 years, there is a 90% chance she will poison me.

Wisconsin (Temporarily) Roolz the World

2007-01-17T09:21:00.000-06:00

Seeing as how American Idol is the most popular show in the world, and seeing as how two Wisconsin natives moved on to Hollywood on last night's show, I don't think it's a stretch at all to say that the Badger State is now calling the shots on a global stage, at least until tonight's show. (Wisconsin is now the world's crack spider, if you will - see previous post.)

Denise Jackson of Madison and Sarah Krueger of Eau Claire both impressed the judges on a day where most other contestants looked dreadful. Jackson taught us all an important lesson - that if you do crack while your baby is in the womb, it is likely that your child will be able to sing like Billie Holliday.

Anyway, I hope the whole City of Madison gets behind her when the Hollywood competition starts (even though I think it's already been filmed, right?) I will be at any rally the city holds for her. It might be the only way I can get a 16 year old girl to talk to me, since hanging out near high schools seems to be yielding mixed results.

In other big singing news, I caughed up a phlegm ball as big as a watermelon when attempting to sing "Champagne Supernova" yesterday. So there's that.

What We Can Learn From Spiders

2007-01-16T22:02:00.000-06:00

I know I'm always late to this stuff, but I did think this was funny.

Death is Just the Part When You Stop Dying

2007-01-15T21:51:00.000-06:00

I'm no doctor, but I'm 90% sure I'll be dead by the end of the week. In fact, don't get to close to your computer - you might catch something.

I had a court illustrator come do an artist's rendering of me at home:

So when you're whining about me not doing another post, I will be asleep and ignoring you. Trust me, nobody is more bummed than my daughter, who has been waiting patiently to go sledding with me and now can't because daddy's sick.

Holiday Trash

2007-01-15T10:47:00.000-06:00

As I do every Monday, this morning I gathered my trash and recycling up and started to take it out to the curb. My wife leaned out the door and told me that there wasn't any trash pickup today, since it's Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I then looked around my neighborhood and noticed most of my neighbors had their trash out at the curb. It all made sense when I remembered that they are all racist.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2007-01-14T10:27:00.000-06:00

I was walking by a west side Madison ice cream shop yesterday, when a flier taped to their window caught my eye. In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. day on Monday, they are offering the "I Have a Dream... Sundae," complete with a phony MLK speech about the importance of having a good sundae "without being judged." I knew nobody would believe me, so I snapped a picture:

When hearing of the news, Michael's Frozen Custard immedately unveiled the "Keep Hope Alive" pork sandwich.

But seriously, who knew Michael Richards owned an ice cream store?

UPDATE: VH1 aired the "Flavor of Love 2" reunion show today - ironic, because that show single-handedly set back race relations by 30 years.

Oh, and I'm kicking myself for not calling this post "I have a Dreamsicle."

Taking Up a Collection for a Plane Ticket

2007-01-12T09:42:00.000-06:00

Bill Lueders of The Isthmus is getting rave reviews for his new book Cry Rape, and I have enjoyed the excerpts of it that I've read. That being said, his piece in this week's paper that attempts to make apologies for local criminal Vairin Meesouk is simply preposterous.

The story goes like this: Meesouk, 21, was arrested at and charged with multiple felonies at age 15 for breaking into and robbing several gas stations and convenience stores and setting a fire at one. A protracted legal battle followed, with the understanding that if sentenced to a felony, Meesouk (here legally but not a legal resident) could be deported to Laos. Eventually, the charges were reduced to misdemeanors.

By the time his charges were reduced, howerver, Meesouk had committed another crime. He and a group of friends broke into an apartment where the 77 year old resident was beaten and smothered until he lost consciousness. Meesouk initially lied to police and denied involvement, but later plead guilty to three felonies. One of his accomplices said Meesouk had punched the old man in the testicles.

The prosecutor immediately asked for a 10 year sentence, while Meesouk's attorneys have asked for 364 days, to avoid the one-year threshold that could trigger deportation. Meesouk now has a two year old daughter, and his attorneys argue that he should stay in America to care for her. Since breaking in and assaulting the elderly man, Meesouk has had "minor scrapes with the law," including a 2003 "altercation" with his sister for which he received two years probation.

Lueders concludes that deportation is too harsh of a penalty for Meesouk, as he is still a young man and is now a caring father. My observations differ dramatically:

1. We have reached a point in society now where having an illegitimate child is actually a sign of responsibility. The article doesn't explicitly say the child is out of wedlock, but trust me - if Meesouk was married to the mother, that would have been in his talking points. Meesouk's attorneys argue that he can't be deported because he's responsible... because he had a child with a woman to which... he's not married. It's like we're living in a bizarro world - it's like a kid killing his parents and then complaining that he's an orphan.

2. Meesouk's attorney argued for leniency and "maintained the youths broke in believing the residence was empty." So it's the old guy's fault that he was there in the apartment when they broke in? How dare he be sitting home and enjoying Wheel of Fortune when these thugs broke into his house - the nerve of that guy! Kind of sounds like he deserved to be beaten and smothered unconscious to me.

3. The article argues that Meesouk is no longer a threat because he has a job. What happens when he's fired or quits? Does he then go on an uncontrollable elderly nut-punching spree?

4. The article quotes the 77 year old victim as saying "that the trauma of this crime paled compared to what he experienced in World War II." What in the world does this possibly mean? When people commit crimes, should we immediately compare their transgression to a World War II battlefield to see if it measures up? Does Meesouk deserve a lenient sentence because he wasn't throwing grenades at the old guy? Try this defense when your wife catches you sleeping with your babysitter - "Yeah, honey, it was wrong. But you should have seen what was going on in 'Nam."

5. Chances of Lueders going to the wall for Meesouk if he has a white kid from suburban Middleton - zero point zero. Unfortunately for the victim, testicular pugilism knows no skin color.

So anyone willing to chip in for a plane ticket for Meesouk, I'll set up a collection. It'll save you the cost of having to wear a protective cup while you're sitting at home watching "According to Jim." In fact, I might make the trip with Meesouk, if only to save myself from having to hear about the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump feud anymore.

(Oh, and lest you think I'm bagging on The Isthmus, they are more than generous in linking to my posts via their internet site. And lest you think I'm afraid of using the word "lest," I have now proven you wrong.)

The Wit and Wisdom of Julius Hodge

2007-01-11T23:17:00.000-06:00

Today, the Milwaukee Bucks traded Steve Blake to the Denver Nuggets for guards Earl Boykins and Julius Hodge. You may remember Hodge from his days at North Carolina State, where he was a standout player and apparently a fantastic quote. Here's a website that has compiled some of his funnier theories. Among them:

Advice given to Cameron Bennerman, starting in place of the injured Scooter Sherrill, before a March 6, 2004 game at Wake Forest’s Lawrence Joel Coliseum:
“When you’re hungry, you eat; when you’re a frog, you leap; if you’re scared, get a dog.”

On the differences between Harlem, NY and Raleigh, NC, January 21, 2002
“New York is the place to be. I could wake up there at three in the morning and decide to go to the store for some chips and Snapple and there would be cars racing down the street and people walking around everywhere. If I do that here, I'd probably get attacked by a deer.”

As for the trade, I think it's a steal for the Bucks. I dumped on Steve Blake a month ago, and I stand by it. The only possible explanation for his generous playing time was that he secretly only has a couple weeks to live and the Bucks were granting him his Make-A-Wish.

Another Reason to Hate Smoking Bans

2007-01-10T22:40:00.000-06:00

In his book "The Tipping Point," Malcolm Gladwell cites a study from influential British psychologist Hans Eysenck when making a link between smoking and certain personality traits. He says:

In countless studies since Eysenck's grounbreaking work, this picture of the smoking "type" has been filled out. Heavy smokers have been shown to have a much greater sex drive than nonsmokers. They are more sexually precocious; they have a greater "need" for sex, and greater attraction to the opposite sex. At age nineteen, for example, 15 percent of nonsmoking white women attending college have had sex. The same number for white female students who do smoke is 55 percent.

This is why cities who ban smoking in bars have it so wrong. Think about the desperate dorky guy who regularly hits the bars hoping to trick a random "precocious" young lady into some lovin'. The City of Madison has removed a valuable arrow from that young man's quiver by not allowing him to see which girls at the bars smoke and which ones don't. This changes your odds significantly - we're talking about a 40 percent swing here.

Smoking issue aside, men have used nonverbal cues for centuries to pick out eligible mates. Tattoo? Check. Nose ring? Double check. Wearing a necklace with a marijuana leaf on it? Hit the family planning aisle ASAP. Wearing her UW Softball Team jersey? Run like the wind, my friend.

By removing these cues, men would waste infinite amounts of time talking to women with which they have no chance (for me, also known as "all women.") They have it easy in the animal world - when male monkeys go to monkey bars, they just have to find a girl monkey with a swollen buttocks. Dogs just have to make sure they don't have a stuffy nose, otherwise they're guaranteed to go home empty-pawed (where they will pour themselves a drink, have their way with a sofa leg, and pass out.)

The only other option, of course, is a process known as "dating," where apparently you are supposed to actually get to know a girl for a while. But this is a high risk proposition, as it can be expensive and cuts into your time normally spent attending license plate conventions.

I'm surprised that this ordinance wasn't more ardently opposed by nerdy college guys and guys with bad breath. Of course, that would make for a pretty unpleasant public hearing for everyone involved.

The nonverbal clues women offer you to hint that they don't want to go home with you are varied. They involve kicking you in the groin, pouring a drink on you, hiding under a table, and having their girlfriend beat you about the head, neck, and chest area.

And for the ladies that are looking for nonverbal clues as to whether a certain guy will go home with them, there is one telltale hint that says he will: He's alive.

The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

2007-01-10T19:38:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I had to take my car in for service and they gave me a loaner car to use while it was in the shop. As I drove away from the mechanic's shop, I felt a disconcerting warm sensation under my rear. I thought maybe I had developed a urinary problem I didn't know about, so I actually stopped the car and checked my pants, only to realize that the car had built-in electric seat warmers.

I guess I've never had a car fancy enough to have a seat warming device, so this took me by surprise. Kids these days and their fancy new technology. Next thing you know, they'll let women vote.

In only marginally related news, a girl at work told me that she went on a date with a guy who attempted the "pretend to yawn and put your arm around her" maneuver at the movies. She asked me if this was actually still an acceptable way of trying to "get close" to your date.

I told her that I hadn't been on a date since the invention of the internal combustion engine, and that I was surprised that this procedure was still utilized. I figured that since the time that I was single, someone would have invented some kind of new and exciting hug sneaking technology that the kids would now be using. In fact, I told her that I admired this guy for kicking it old school and using a maneuver that I had thought was retired to the Lame Date Moves Hall of Fame.

I now have to go soak my teeth.

Saving Us From Herself

2007-01-10T19:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Democratic State Senate Majority Leader Judy Robson crowed about a vote the Senate took to eliminate the use of paper ballots for committee votes. Robson derided this process as "secret voting," when in fact, the ballots and the results of the votes are all public record.

In fact, as was pointed out by Republican State Senators last year, Robson used this process of "secret voting" over two dozen times herself when she chaired a committee under former Majority Leader Chuck Chvala.

In the end, it's not going to make a bit of difference, other than to make senators physically be in Madison to make their committee votes. However, if they decide that this is their big "ethics reform" for the session and call it a day, then free speech advocates should be dancing for joy.

As former senator Cathy Stepp said in her release, “Not one person has stopped me in the grocery store to say, ‘We desperately need paper ballot reform.' My constituents tell me we need a real property tax freeze, more jobs and lower taxes.” Until the Legislature deals with those issues, they will continue to suffer their low approval ratings.

Good News for Geeks

2007-01-10T19:14:00.001-06:00

Anybody who watches television sports knows the wonder that is sideline reporter Erin Andrews. She was actually in Madison for the Badger/Buckeye game last night, and my on-site correspondents report that she is even more of a freak of nature in person. One said that it is likely that she was assembled in a "love factory."

This Atlanta Journal-Constitution story gives us a glimpse into Andrews' personal life, including this tidbit:

Andrews used to date an NHL player. One of her on-the-job peeves is married athletes who ask her out.

So for fat, unathletic, married anonymous bloggers... there's still a chance!

My Settlement Offer

2007-01-10T19:14:00.000-06:00

A few posts back, a reader left a comment accusing me of libel and threatening a lawsuit against me, in which he would collect "a handsome five figure amount." I was wondering exactly what a "handsome amount" would look like, so I figured I'd send him a bag of these in the mail:

Now that's a handsome sum.

Yeah, What He Said

2007-01-08T22:07:00.000-06:00

It's taken me about 20 clumsy posts to try to say what George Will sums up in this one 800 word column. In fact, it's so good, I'll post the whole thing - plus, there's a local Wisconsin angle.

A Retreat on Rationing Free Speech?

By George F. Will
Sunday, December 31, 2006; B07

A three-judge federal court recently tugged a thread that may begin the unraveling of the fabric of murky laws and regulations that traduce the First Amendment by suppressing political speech. Divided 2 to 1, the court held -- unremarkably, you might think -- that issue advocacy ads can run during an election campaign, when they matter most. This decision will strike zealous (there is no other kind) advocates of ever-tighter regulation of political speech (campaign finance "reformers") as ominous. Why? Because it partially emancipates millions of Americans who incorporate thousands of groups to advocate their causes, groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union and the National Rifle Association.

And Wisconsin Right to Life. It is another organization by which people assemble (see the First Amendment) to speak (see it again) in order to seek redress of grievances (the amendment, one more time). In 2004 Wisconsin Right to Life was distressed because Wisconsin's senators, Russ Feingold and Herb Kohl, were helping to block confirmation votes on some of President Bush's judicial nominees. It wanted to run ads urging people to "contact Senators Feingold and Kohl and tell them to oppose the filibuster."

But Feingold was running for reelection, and the McCain-Feingold "reform" makes it a crime for entities such as Wisconsin Right to Life to use their corporate funds to broadcast an "electioneering communication" within 30 days of a primary or 60 days of a general election. An "electioneering communication" is one that "refers to" a candidate for federal office.

Although in 2003 the Supreme Court upheld McCain-Feingold, the court said later that it would consider appeals against the law "as applied." The majority on the three-judge court, preserving the distinction between electioneering and grass-roots lobbying, held that Wisconsin Right to Life's ads were exempt from the McCain-Feingold election-eve blackouts of speech because the ads were not "coordinated" with a candidate's campaign and did not engage in "express advocacy" -- did not use the words "vote for" or "vote against" a candidate.

The dissenting judge wanted to examine the "intent" of the ads by examining their "context," looking for clues as to whether the group hoped to not only advocate an issue but influence an election. Imagine: Judges scouring the political landscape, searching for evidence (people's past opinions or associations; e-mails and other communications) that would empower them to rule that grass-roots lobbying about an issue is "really" the functional equivalent of electioneering (express advocacy).

Such a process would necessarily be so protracted that no challenged ad could be authorized in time for an election. Besides, Bob Bauer, a Democratic campaign lawyer, rightly warns that the prospect of such inquiries should "make a sensible citizen's blood run cold." An uncircumscribed inquiry into "intent" would become "an intrusive process" in which an organization's internal communications would be subpoenaed and political operatives and consultants would be "put under oath and questioned about what they meant and intended and thought."

The Wisconsin Right to Life case is probably heading for the Supreme Court. There, Justice Samuel Alito occupies the chair that Sandra Day O'Connor occupied when she voted with the majority in the 5 to 4 ruling that upheld McCain-Feingold.

Still, the reformers' zeal for regulating speech is undiminished. The Federal Election Commission recently fined some "527" groups (named for the tax code provision under which they organize) $630,000. Their offense? Issue advocacy in 2004 that, "taken as a whole," could "only be interpreted by a reasonable person as containing the advocacy of the election or defeat" of a federal candidate. Editorial writers at The Post and the New York Times, ever eager to regulate political advocacy not done by newspaper editorial writers, approved, although the Times thought the fines insufficient, and although The Post, calling the current law "murky," thought the FEC should have enforced the murkiness quicker.

The Times no longer bothers to pretend that its rationale for speech regulation is fear of corruption or the appearance thereof. Rather, the Times justifies suppressing 527s on aesthetic grounds -- they are run by "hard-edged activists" and their ads are too negative. Presumably, suppressing 527s will elevate political discourse -- and, presumably, it is the government's business to enforce the elevation. The Post also is tellingly silent about the reformers' original corruption rationale for rationing political speech by restricting the political money that finances it. Instead, The Post says 527s wield "significant" -- by implication, excessive (relative to The Post's?) -- influence.

Bauer wonders why, absent a compelling government interest in combating corruption, unregulated speech resulting in influence should be a federal offense. When, as surely it will, the Supreme Court considers that question, it can begin undoing the damage it did at the time it affirmed McCain-Feingold and licensed government to ration political speech.

Misleading Headline of the Day

2007-01-08T22:04:00.000-06:00

Courtesy of the Fond du Lac Reporter:

More News is Good News

2007-01-08T21:55:00.000-06:00

This week, the local Madison ABC affiliate (Channel 27) added a 6:30 newscast to its slate of 5:00, 6:00, and 10:00 newscasts.

It's no secret that I'm partial to Channel 27 ever since anchor Christa Dubill played along with one of my joke posts about her. That being said, I watched the 6:30 show, and it appears to be a great idea.

First, it fills a need for people who want more news. Local newscasts are famously devoid of any real content - they are essentially vehicles to show off the latest version of the Doppler weathercast they subscribe to. And they appear to be trending in the direction of attempting to avoid any real news at all.

So it's refreshing to see a station that is actually giving viewers credit enough to try to provide more real news. It looks like they are using the extra half hour to discuss the top stories at more length and in more detail. And the cut-ins with State Journal reporters seem to be a good idea, although they might want to keep a coat and tie ready in the Journal newsroom, just in case. The extra time should also be an opportunity for the station to provide some opinion content or debate, which is sorely lacking in local television.

As a reward for the station treating you like you're not a dope, you should tune in. Giving viewers credit for actually wanting real news should be encouraged. Otherwise, enjoy Wheel of Fortune or Entertainment Tonight at 6:30.

Sail Away With Me

2007-01-08T21:25:00.000-06:00

My wife and I are working our way through the "Freaks and Geeks" DVDs, and Episode One featured this song. Since I haven't been able to get it out of my head for a week, I thought I'd subject my reader to it, too.

And as a bonus, here's another classic - although the violin player has caused me not to sleep for days. I'm 97% certain he's hiding under my bed.

Selective Outrage Defined

2007-01-07T22:54:00.000-06:00

When they're not trying to convince us that Madison, Wisconsin is somehow the rap music capitol of North America, The Isthmus can occasionally do some good reporting.

Take this article from last week, for example. The story describes State Representative Terese Berceau's irritation at the Wisconsin Elections Board for charging more for the voter lists they generate. Berceau has her Capitol staffer, Tom Powell, obtain the lists from the Elections Board (apparently he has extra time when he's not engineering distasteful smear campaigns about city council members.*)

The fourth paragraph of the story says:

Berceau, who uses the list for campaigning and to target newsletter mailings, says the additional cost is “no big deal” for her and other incumbents. But “if somebody is trying to run for office, that’s a big whopping amount of money they have to put out immediately.”

Yes, you read that right. Berceau uses her taxpayer funded capitol staffer to obtain lists from the taxpayer funded Elections Board, which she then uses for campaigning. Surely, the media is outraged at such a blatant use of taxpayer dollars for political gain. I'm certain newsrooms around the state are burning the midnight oil trying to figure out why Berceau uses the same list to campaign that she uses for sending out her official state newsletter.

Of course everyone remembers former Speaker of the Assembly Scott Jensen, who is likely on his way to prison for ordering staff to use state resources to do campaign work. Since there is no statute that explicitly prohibits using state resources for political gain (which was one of Jensen's defenses), one has to go to the statutory footnotes to find out what he did broke the law. They say:

946.12 - ANNOT.
Sub. (3) is not unconstitutionally vague. It does not fail to give notice that hiring and directing staff to work on political campaigns on state time with state resources is a violation...Legislators or their employees are not prohibited from doing or saying anything related to participation in political campaigns so long as they do not use state resources for that purpose.

When you read the Appeals Court decision in the Jensen case, it lays out specifically what Jensen did to break the law on page 35 (my emphasis): **

All the allegations of the criminal complaint describe campaign activity of the most basic type: the preparation and dissemination of campaign literature, political fundraising on behalf of a number of candidates for the Wisconsin Assembly, the delivery and receipt of campaign funds in state offices by lobbyists and state employees, campaign data management on state computers, daily monitoring of campaign progress by all three defendants, development and implementation of campaign strategy and debriefing of an election cycle on state time in state offices. The result:public financing of private campaigns without the public's permission. There is no reasonable argument that this alleged activity serves any legitimate legislative duty or purpose. No statute, rule or policy sanctions this behavior.

This decision was affirmed by the Wisconsin Supreme Court, so all of the above transgressions are now apparently prohibited by law (even though the law doesn't explicitly say so, and the Court came to this decision based on a couple e-mails sent to Assembly employees - which now apparently have the force of law. One wonders if it is now legal to solicit dates from HoRnY HoUsEwIveS.)

So according to this new standard of what is legal and illegal in politics, it appears that Berceau has admitted to breaking the law. If she has been using her taxpayer funded staff to obtain taxpayer produced voter lists to campaign, that would certainly appear not to have any "legitimate legislative duty or purpose."

But here's the problem - I don't have any problem with what Berceau did. Nor do I have any problem with much of what Jensen did. Jensen, however, has been killed in the media for using taxpayer resources for campaigning - and here we have a Democrat who admits as much, and it won't even elicit a yawn.

If you concede that there is a line between politics and legitimate government business, then I do believe Jensen crossed it by condoning the employment of a full time fundraiser on a state payroll. You just can't have people dialing for dollars from a Capitol office.

Furthermore, no reasonable person would try to equate the actions of Berceau and Jensen - Jensen was the Speaker of the Assembly, and if you believe that politics is inherently wrong (I don't), then what he did was on a much grander scale.

But to somehow think that Scott Jensen was the only one engaged in politics at the Capitol is ludicrous. Whether anyone actually cares seems wholly dependent on what party you belong to, and whether you support full taxpayer financing of elections. And yes, I know Chuck Chvala went to jail, but I believe there actually was a statute that explicitly prohibited extortion.

*SIDE NOTE: If former Speaker John Gard had hired a staff member who had been caught posting distasteful doctored internet pictures of city council members, how do you think he would have been treated by the media? Do I even need to ask?

**DOUBLE SIDE NOTE: Actually reading the Jensen decision was enlightening. It essentially boils down to the court saying "there's really no statute saying he couldn't do this, but the chief clerk sent out an e-mail saying he shouldn't do it, and 'common sense' says it is wrong, so therefore he's guilty." Needless to say, there are plenty of things that I think are "common sense" with which the court would likely disagree.

Free Dance Instruction

2007-01-04T21:30:00.000-06:00

I wasn't able to go to the J.B. Van Hollen inaugural party, but a friend provided me with some video footage:

Oh, and do yourself a favor and check out these others (and don't even think about getting any work done today):

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4 (the behind the back clapping is classic)

Part 5

(Thanks to Tom Liebe)

NFL Player Without Health Insurance Left to Die on Field

2007-01-02T23:52:00.000-06:00

New York (AP) - In a stunning development, New York Giants special teams specialist Chad Morton died on the field on Sunday after a hit by a New Orleans Saints backup tight end. "I can't believe he would actually die from a sprained ankle," said team doctor Harris Trinsky. "But he didn't have his insurance card on him, so what could I do?" said Trinsky.

Earlier this fall, the Giants cancelled their team health insurance, instead choosing to let the government implement a universal health care plan. "The taxpayers of New Jersey are building us a new stadium, I don't see why they shouldn't be on the hook for our medical care," said team President John Mara. Experts have noted that if the Giants had been covered by a public health program, Morton would have had to wait five months for treatment, and would likely be misdiagnosed as having acute halitosis instead of a sprained ankle.

Morton's presence on the field became a distraction during a crucial fourth quarter drive, when the Saints' Reggie Bush was running for the end zone and tripped over his rotting corpse. Bush fumbled the ball, then had his limbs torn off by the vultures that had previously been feasting on Morton. The vultures were each penalized 15 yards apiece, and after the game one signed on to return punts for the Minnesota Vikings next year.

The Giants did begin giving their players a stipend for health savings accounts several months ago, but Morton spent his money on a Playstation 3 and the first three seasons of Silver Spoons on DVD.

Regulation of Political Speech, Soviet-Style

2007-01-02T22:40:00.000-06:00

A few weeks back, I (justifiably) made fun of the Wisconsin Democracy Campaign's insistence on making Catholic churches disclose their funding, due to the churches' advocacy in favor of the gay marriage ban. It seemed to be a clear example of attempting to thwart a church's right to disseminate their teachings.

Often times, people reach for hyperbole to describe such actions. They'd say things like "that sounds like something the Nazis would do," or "what is this, Communist Russia?" However, in this case, I don't need to use hyperbole - Russia has done it for me (and since I just read a book on Russia, it makes me an instant expert).

From USA Today:

ROSTOV-ON-DON, Russia — The Kremlin might back away from a new law that would force churches and religious groups to report to the government on their services, sermons and sources of income.

The rules, contained in a law passed in April, have sparked outrage among human rights groups, churches operating in Russia and Western governments, including the European Union. The Russian government passed the law in an effort to monitor the activities of organizations such as Amnesty International and Doctors Without Borders, foreign-funded groups that President Vladimir Putin has warned might interfere in domestic politics.

During his seven years as president, Putin's government has asserted greater state control over independent Russian media and business. It also has eliminated most political opposition in parliament and turned the country's governorships from elected to appointed jobs...

The country's religious leaders say the reporting requirements are onerous and a painful reminder of the religious suppression of the Soviet era. "We think it's wrong and even impossible to comply," says Thaddaeus Kondrusiewicz, the Catholic archbishop in Moscow.

Well, I have news for Russian citizens - there are groups here in Wisconsin that think it's a great idea.

The Wisconsin Democracy campaign is afraid of religious organizations that attempt to influence politics, so they try to regulate their speech. The Kremlin is afraid of religious organizations that attempt to influence politics, so they regulate their speech.

And just for the record, The WDC is the group that most newspapers are completely comfortable with writing Wisconsin's new campaign finance reform laws. If you want Mike McCabe to be in charge of how much speech you are allowed with regard to candidates and elections, his group is for you.

They Just Don't Get It

2007-01-02T21:34:00.000-06:00

I don't have any opinion as to whether Brett Favre will retire or not, but I think my actions on Sunday night kind of tell which way I'm leaning.

I was lucky enough to go to the Thursday night Packer game against the Vikings, and my ticket stub got soaked in the rain. After Favre gave his teary-eyed speech on national TV, I realized something - I didn't know where my ticket stub was. After all, that could have been Favre's last home game, right?

So I started scrambling around the house looking for it. I asked my wife if she had seen it. She looked at me and said, (make sure you're sitting down):

"What's the big deal?"

So if you see my ticket stub laying around somewhere, let me know. I'll give you big fat York hug. (Side note: In college, I once opened a beer, took a few sips, and misplaced it. Distraught, I took a marker and drew up a "LOST: ONE BEER" sign, complete with an artist's rendering of what the beer looked like. I xeroxed them off and put them up all over the neighborhood before I realized that I had taken my beer into the bathroom with me. Trust me, at the time it was pretty funny, as the missing beer was probably my ninth.)

Oh, and one last thing - this Sports Illustrated article on whether Favre will retire was a little odd. Notice at the end how they talk, not once, but twice, about how fat Aaron Rodgers is. Is this Sports Illustrated or Teen Cosmo?

Reader Of the Year 2007

2007-01-02T21:23:00.000-06:00

We're three days in, and the Reader of the Year 2007 voting is now closed.

Ladies and gentlemen (well, probably just gentlemen), we all have Jeff Landin to thank for this.

Someone please read the comments to me, as I am now blind.

Christmas Reflections

2006-12-26T17:07:00.000-06:00

Hope everyone out there had a Merry Christmas. Mine was excellent, as I got to watch my daughter almost jump out of her skin with happiness over her presents. More importantly, Christmas marks the end of those greaseballs at the mall that shoot toy helicopters at you. If a helicopter ever touches me, one of those dirtbags is going down. That's a promise!

Anyway, my gifts were more interesting. On Thursday, I got a card from my lefty sister saying she made a contribution of $50 in my name to heifer.org, which is an international food bank or something. She actually said in the card, "Isn't this better than a Best Buy card?" They send you an itemized e-mail telling you that your $50 bought some ducks and a goat for a farmer in an impoverished country. I'm wondering when I get my first letter in the mail from the goat.

I'm actually thinking I should send her an e-mail telling her "thanks for the goat - he just got here yesterday. He's enjoying grazing in the back yard." There is also a 100% chance I rig the family secret santa drawing next year so that I get her name. Won't she be surprised when she gets my card informing her she just made a $50 contribution to Wisconsin Right to Life?

Make sure ewe sign up for the "Women's Lambing" program. I know I have some guy friends interested in the "Women's Porking" programs, but I think those can be found at a different website altogether.

We went on Sunday night and caught a Kid's Christmas Pageant. I can only imagine how proud the parents of the kids in the pageant are. I'd start getting my 4 year old daughter ready for the pageant next year, but I'm pretty sure she has Satan's cell phone number. They probably talk regularly about how fun it is to draw on the walls in crayon.

She asked me a whole slew of Baby Jesus related questions, and I wasn't exactly sure how to answer. For instance, she asked whether Baby Jesus is all grown up. I told her that he died for our sins, which drew me a stern rebuke from my wife. Maybe I should just tell her that Jesus has been reborn in the form of Dwyane Wade and make everyone happy.

Santa brought my daughter a two-wheel bike, which was her number one gift request (number two was a candy cane). To go along with the bike (which still has training wheels), my wife went and bought the full helmet-elbow pads-knee pads combo pack. When she puts it all on, she looks like she's a stormtrooper.

I'll never understand the constant over-protection of kids that society demands. If she just wants to go out and ride her bike on the sidewalk, I have to dress her like she's going in to root out Baathist insurgents. Is there really a problem with 4 year old girls smashing into things and injuring their heads? My friends and I used to build ramps at the bottom of our street and go flying off of them, pad-less. It's called being a kid.

One last thing - if we ever find out that Jews have it right, I'm forwarding my post-Christmas credit card bill directly to the Vatican.

And for the fan of this blog, look forward to some big things in the new year. For instance, I plan on starting to wear men's underwear.

Bloggers for Bonaduce

2006-12-21T08:02:00.000-06:00

This video is all the rage over at The Corner:

Seriously, how pathetic are you when a child star completely obliterates you? Can we send Haley Joel Osment after Kevin Barrett?

York in the News

2006-12-20T09:39:00.000-06:00

Melanie Conklin has strengthened her case for a 2006 Pulitzer Prize by including me in her "what I want for Christmas" column today. I'm way at the end.

Oh, and that quote is actually wife-approved. How great is she?

Burning the Yule Blog

2006-12-18T22:37:00.000-06:00

For the last few days, I've just been laying around, completely uninspired and without original thought. So as us gentiles get ready to celebrate the birth of Santa, I'll probably remain lazy and not post a lot. I reserve the right to post something if so inspired (like if Flavor Flav once again touches my life in a particularly profound way), but it's unlikely.

In closing, I would like to congratulate myself on being named Time's person of the year, just narrowly beating out Barbaro and lasagna. I was clearly who they had in mind when they breathlessly wrote:

And for seizing the reins of the global media, for founding and framing the new digital democracy, for working for nothing and beating the pros at their own game, TIME's Person of the Year for 2006 is you...

It's about the many wresting power from the few and helping one another for nothing and how that will not only change the world, but also change the way the world changes.

I concur completely. And to validate their point, here are a couple world-changing posts I wrote about farts, poop, bikini waxing, and boners.

Oh, and before I forget - it's been a while since we visited The Kid From Brooklyn, so here you go - he's got a song for you.

The High Court of Funk Has Spoken

2006-12-14T21:16:00.000-06:00

The defense rests in the case of Get On Up v. Shake Your Booty.

What follows is a re-enactment of the closing argument:

Have a good weekend!

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH

2006-12-14T21:13:00.000-06:00

A story whose subject actually serves as a palindrome:

Man Feeds, Rats Eat, Rats Eat, Feed on Man

My Favorite Albums of 2006

2006-12-13T20:12:00.000-06:00

I know, I know - nobody cares what I listened to this year. But since I spend so much time cranking out these posts, I beg your indulgence. It helps me think back through the year and reminisce about simpler times... like, two months ago.

As I said when I did this last year, I am obviously not a professional reviewer, nor would I ever purport to tell you what the "best" CDs are. I just had to buy a new expensive set of prosthetic eyebrows, so I don't have a lot of extra cash to spend on music. But I can tell you what CDs I enjoyed this year, which I will do right now. And I'm not going to waste any more time, so I'll just get right to it. So without further ado, here they are. My favorite CDs of 2006 are listed below, for your consideration. I'm going to tell you all about them without further delay. Here they are:

1. Bonnie "Prince" Billy - The Letting Go

As opposed to last year, when I knew the entire year which CD I was going to list as my favorite, this one kind of snuck up on me. But whenever there was a lull and I needed a "go-to" album to listen to, this was always number one on the list. A quiet, lush album from an enigmatic singer, The Letting Go makes you feel like you're on your front porch in the middle of summer watching the world go by. I'm a sucker for acoustic guitar buttressed with soaring strings, and this album delivers in spades. As Kermit the Frog once said, "It's like an ocean cruise, except there's no boat and you don't actually go anywhere."

Read a good Badger Herald review here, and check out the video for "Cursed Sleep" here.

Bonnie "Prince" Billy MySpace Page

2. Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

Ah, Neko. I couldn't pry this one out of my iPod all year. She has almost too much talent for one person. I'm actually shocked she hasn't made the transition from Indie Queen to soccer mom favorite (a la Natalie Merchant). She deserves a lot bigger fan base than just lovelorn messy haired indie guys with horn-rimmed glasses.

Sadly, she has failed to reply to any of the 48 hand written letters I sent her this year. My next one might do the trick - it's a crayon drawing of me and Neko riding a llama together. 100% chance I get a response, althout there's a 99% chance it's from the FBI.

Check out a live performance of "Maybe Sparrow" here.

Neko Case MySpace Page

3. Jim Noir - Tower of Love

Ridiculously catchy - instantly likeable, and humanly impossible not to know the words and sing along by the third listen. It sounds as if the Beach Boys were making music today and using electronic loops and samples, but still has a folky, organic feel. Plus, the video for "My Patch" features Noir fighting a giant chicken - how does it get better than that?

Jim Noir MySpace Page

4. M. Ward - Post War

From The Onion AV Club Review:

M. Ward easily overcomes the inherent limitations of the "guy with guitar" genre by virtue of his dusty, vintage style, marked by deep echo, cracked vocals, and a guitar that sounds like it blew in on an island breeze. And with each new album, Ward has gotten better at writing to suit the presentation. His latest record, Post-War, is full of songs that evoke sea chanteys, campfire songs, carny barkers, and varsity rags—whatever sounds charmingly out-of-date.

Watch the video for "Chinese Translation" here.

M. Ward MySpace Page

5. Horse Feathers - Words Are Dead

A virtually anonymous band with a terrible name from Portland that a friend turned me on to. Should attract fans of Iron and Wine, as there's a similar acoustic/violin base and breathy vocal delivery. Definitely check out "Finch on Saturday" on their MySpace site.

6. Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass

An epic album that ricochets from style to style, with each genre working equally as well. Reminiscent of the White Album in that regard. I'm old.

Yo La Tengo MySpace Page

7. Wolfmother

A total rip-off of '70s bands like Zeppelin and Sabbath, but wonderfully so. If you're looking for a hard rock album with foot-stomping hooks, this is the album for you. If not, I would suggest a chocolate malt from Michael's Frozen Custard - they're delicious.

Contains a lyric that I originally thought was "we drank from the serpent's mind," which would have made it the awesomest lyric of the year. Unfortunately, it's something else more normal. If I ever record an album, all my lyrics are going to be what I think other singers are saying in their lyrics - since I'm always wrong, but my misinterpretations are generally amusing. Anyway.

Check out the video for "Woman" here.

Wolfmother MySpace Page

8. Nina Nastasia - On Leaving

A friend of mine described this as "coffee house chick music," and he's absolutely right. Sounds like something you could hear at an open mic night anywhere downtown. But the songs are really strong, most notably "Our Day Out," which details a day of skipping work, wandering around, and generally wondering what happened to your life. Or something like that. Roast Beef gave me this one, which means he's obviously getting in touch with his feminine side - good job, Beef.

Chiggity check out a live performance of "Bird of Cuzco" here.

Nina Nastasia MySpace Page

9. Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

An example of a band that receives a ridiculous amount of praise from hyperventilating critics when their album comes out, then suffers from the criticism from the inevitable backlash. In the end, this album is what it is - a really good rock record, not the cure for cancer. Everyone already knows that ground up beaver eyelids cure cancer anway. Duh.

Arctic Monkeys MySpace Page

10. Dieselboy - The Human Resource

I'm not exactly a big drum and bass guy, but this double album is an exceptional technical achievement. Flies by at breakneck speed, and keeps the listener interested, unlike most of the more repetitive electronic music. Listening to the whole thing at once will numb your brain, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I imagine it would sound a lot better if you used something to self-numb your brain before listening. Should be listened to at 11 on your volume dial.

Dieselboy MySpace Page

Here are some more that missed the cut, but are worth checking out:

The Roots - Game Theory
Eef Barzelay – Bitter Honey
Belle and Sebastian – The Life Pursuit
The Eraser – Thom Yorke
Sonic Youth – Rather Ripped
Built to Spill – You in Reverse
Rainer Maria - Catastrophe Keeps Us Together (albeit a homer pick)
And, it kills me to say it - Jim Doyle's Favorite CD

Also, another couple of special awards: Smoking Popes issued a live CD (complete with DVD included) of a reunion show at the Metro in Chicago. Definitely worth picking up. Also, The Mooney Suzuki re-issued their Maximum Black EP from a 1999, and it has a couple of monster songs that will blow out your speakers (That's a good thing, for my older readers).

Betta Recognize Pocan's a P-I-M-P

2006-12-13T19:38:00.000-06:00

Something struck me about this Melanie Conklin article detailing State Representative Mark Pocan's marriage to his partner Philip. There's no real manly way to say this, so I'll just come out with it. Look how good looking of a guy Philip is... not to denigrate Pocan, but he appears to have overmarried (much as I have).

Clearly, the Gentleman from the 78th District has unlocked the mystery of good lovin'. If Pocan started teaching seminars to single older women on how to land a stud, he'd be a millionaire. I'll front the first five bucks as an investment.

There is one part of the article, however, that troubles me. Apparently, they spent two weeks in Bali. I only got to spend one week on my honeymoon. What kind of crap is that? It's outrageous - and my anger is fueled solely by jealousy.

Finally, if Kathleen Falk actually did send Pocan a book about gay marriage, that seems a little condescending. I'm sure my black friends would appreciate getting the gift of Richard Wright's Black Boy from me, to show them what being African-American is like. "Yeah, thanks Kathleen - tell me all about gay marriage, given your lifelong experience as a heterosexual (excluding college)." He probably would have preferred a really nice nose and ear hair trimmer. As would we all.

The Stem Cell Arms (and Legs) Race

2006-12-13T17:57:00.000-06:00

From the BBC:

Ukraine babies in stem cell probe
By Matthew Hill BBC Health Correspondent

Healthy new-born babies may have been killed in Ukraine to feed a flourishing international trade in stem cells, evidence obtained by the BBC suggests. Disturbing video footage of post-mortem examinations on dismembered tiny bodies raises serious questions about what happened to them.

Ukraine has become the self-styled stem cell capital of the world.

There is a trade in stem cells from aborted foetuses, amid unproven claims they can help fight many diseases. But now there are claims that stem cells are also being harvested from live babies.

Wall of silence

The BBC has spoken to mothers from the city of Kharkiv who say they gave birth to healthy babies, only to have them taken by maternity staff. In 2003, the authorities agreed to exhume around 30 bodies of foetuses and full-term babies from a cemetery used by maternity hospital number six.

One campaigner was allowed into the autopsy to gather video evidence. She has given that footage to the BBC and Council of Europe.

In its report, the Council describes a general culture of trafficking of children snatched at birth, and a wall of silence from hospital staff upwards over their fate. The pictures show organs, including brains, have been stripped - and some bodies dismembered.

A senior British forensic pathologist says he is very concerned to see bodies in pieces - as that is not standard post-mortem practice.

It could possibly be a result of harvesting stem cells from bone marrow.

It is clear that the UW-Madison needs to pick it up if it wants to reclaim its title of "Stem Cell Capital of the World." Obviously, the Ukraine is far more progressive than Wisconsin in extracting stem cells - where are our mass graves of baby body parts, UW? Shouldn't we be doing everything we can to help grandma with her Parkinson's? Think of all the high paying jobs it would create - aren't we passing on big-time economic development potential?

We need to be aggressive in targeting pregnant mothers for their little life-saving packages. When they go into labor, I propose we make them sign a confusing document that gives them the right to not donate their child to the UW. If that doesn't work, we can try special promotions - "Get a $50 gift card to Ann Taylor with the donation of any canned good or live baby."

Savior Theft

2006-12-12T19:34:00.000-06:00

Generally, I’m in the “all religions should get along” camp. But I’ve noticed something that’s kind of bothered me, and I need some direction as to whether I should be offended or not.

I’ve been working my way through all of the Curb Your Enthusiasm DVDs, and I’ve noticed how often Larry David, who is Jewish, uses the phrase “Jesus Christ!” to express shock or disgust.

Traditionally, people say “Jesus Christ!” when they really want to add a little kick to their expression of disbelief. This is especially true, albeit wrong, for Christians - since they are taking the name of their Savior in vain. This has led to such well known sayings as “Jesus Christ – that camel is going to eat my whole Cinnabon!” and “Jesus Christ – his nose is so hairy, it looks like he inhaled a bunny rabbit!” In fact, I regularly work the Lord’s name into new and exciting 18 word phrases during Packer games.

But for non-Christians, the phrase doesn’t really pack the same punch. Since Jews aren’t really big on the whole “divinity of Christ” bandwagon, they could literally pick anyone to use as an interjection and it would be equally as effective. They could say, for example, “Burl Ives, why can’t our mother wear underwear in public?” and it would have the same impact. So why do they get to choose our guy JC?

So basically, non-Christians get to use the Christian Savior as a punchline without having to do all the sucky crap that good Christians have to do (go to church, contribute financially, threaten abortionists, etc.). It’s kind of like when people within certain ethic or religious groups can make jokes and use disparaging words about their own people – because in the end, everyone knows that they are still in alignment with that group.

But when a member of any group steps outside and begins making comments or using words used by another group, there tends to be trouble. For instance, I would never say something like “Oh, Mohammed! That enchilada gave me fire ass!” See, that would be offensive – and I don’t see how it would be any different for a Muslim to say the same using Jesus’ name.

I am willing to find common ground on this. As a concession, I am willing to relinquish Christian control of such popular religious sayings as "For the love of God," "God dammit," and "Turd burglar."

I hate to get all Mel Gibson on this, but it did kind of bother me a little. Incidentally, look for my new film, “Chocalypto,” which tells the harrowing story of how Count Chocula was able to fend off invasion by the white milk.

And on the scale of things that irritate me, this is low on the list - well behind people that throw cigarettes out their car windows.

Madison Sights and Sounds

2006-12-12T19:26:00.000-06:00

I think I’m going to officially decree Greenbush Bar as my favorite Madison restaurant. It’s a cozy little neighborhood bar on Regent Street that has an inviting feel and great food. I usually get the spaghetti and meatballs, and the sauce is out of this world. In fact, I’m trying to hunt down where I can buy sauce like that – it’s a lot lighter in both texture and taste than the stuff you buy at the store, which tends to be pasty. The menu says it’s “Sicilian style,” so is that a real type of sauce? Oh, and the personal pizzas are the best pizzas in Madison, which unfortunately isn’t saying much.

(I’m expecting a call any minute from the State Journal to do restaurant reviews.)

***

I had to go to the Radio Shack on University Ave the other night to pick up some cable stuff. That Radio Shack is right next to a Bikram Yoga studio, so I stopped to watch a little of what was going on inside. You may know that Bikram Yoga as the sweaty-butt yoga where they crank the heat up to like 200 degrees so everyone is slimy and gross. Every dude that was in there had his shirt off – like it’s a requirement or something. It was unspeakably foul. At some point, women in this class have to decide – “I can either not eat this meat loaf or I can go work out next to some guy’s sweaty armpits that are gushing like fire hoses.” I would exercise my option to never eat another meal.

I was thinking, though, that they could change the class up to save costs and take care of the sweaty guy problem. If the whole idea is to sweat, you should just keep the studio at room temperature and make everyone wear parkas and long underwear. It’s genius – you save the extra expense of cranking up the heat, and you don’t have to look at slimy shirtless men. Plus, everyone will get the sweaty workout they seek with a lot less overhead. In fact, I’m looking for investors now.*

***

I have to register a complaint with the City of Fitchburg - it's absolutely ridiculous how many handicapped parking spots there are at the Qdoba on Fish Hatchery Road. They could be holding the World Flag Football Championship between the Special Olympics and the AARP All-Stars and they wouldn't need that many handicapped spots. Consider this my plea to the city council - let's help the lazy able-bodied people out here a little, huh?

* - Dividends will be paid out in the form of hugs.

New War Strategy: Pulling Out

2006-12-10T23:33:00.000-06:00

While you're busy roasting your nuts with your family over the holiday, make sure you don't forget that December 22nd is Global Orgasm Day. In an effort to protest by doing something they would be doing anyway, a group of hippies has decided to voice their displeasure with the war by having everyone in the world have sex at the same time.

From their website (which isn't nearly as awesome as it sounds):

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

Of course, there is hard scientific evidence to back up their claims:

The Global Consciousness Project (http://noosphere.princeton.edu/), runs a network of Random Event Generators (REGs) around the world, which record changes in randomness during global events. The results show that human consciousness can be measured to have a global effect on matter and energy during widely-watched events such as 9/11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami. There have also been measurable results during mass meditations and prayers.

It should suprise no one that I think this is a fantastic idea. Although at the "climactic moment," I'm generally not thinking about peace - I'm usually thinking, "I wonder if she'll be able to break a twenty?"

First of all, it totally gives you an excuse when you "protest" a little too early. When everyone finds out that you protested about 10 minutes before everyone else, you can just blame it on your extreme dislike of Bush. High fives all around! (but wash your hands first).

It's also exciting to know that I may have been a political radical all throughout my teenage years and not even known it. Actually, given the fact that I held my own one man protest every time the JC Penney catalog came, I might as well have been the Che Guevara of White Oak Lane.

Furthermore, I have figured out that sex can actually be part of your civic duty. I know that every time I have it, it reminds me that there's a congressional election coming up.

Remember, Think Globally, Bone Locally.

Thanks, Al

2006-12-10T23:25:00.000-06:00

Nice anecdote by Al Michaels on the Sunday Night Football game tonight when he reminded us about how the Packers interviewed Saints coach Sean Payton and decided not to hire him.

Next week, Michaels will just personally come to my house and plunge a broken bottle into my jugular vein.

SIDE NOTE: I might actually trade flooding the city of Green Bay for the Packers making the playoffs next year.

Nerd Porn

2006-12-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

There seems to be this weird underground movement of nerds filming themselves opening newly bought electronics and posting the footage on the internet. I know... I didn't really understand it myself at first. But apparently some people derive pleasure from watching others open Playstation 3 boxes. In fact, there's even a website dedicated to this activity, which has been given the name "unboxing" by the Worldwide Council of People Living in Their Parents' Basements.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Note the lack of furniture in the room - I doubt that's a coincidence, just a matter of nerd priority. This is actually too lame even to be funny - just deeply disturbing. Can't these guys just get off to the shower scene in Sixteen Candles like in the old days?

News You Can Use

2006-12-06T23:56:00.000-06:00

I've complained in past posts that 80% of local newscasts is now weather forecasts. At this point, you're just tuning in to the weather to see what the news is like. They go on and on about the dew point, relative humidity, barometric pressure, and other things you couldn't care less about.

So here's my suggestion to local meteorologists - if you're going to hog the newscast, at least give me information I can actually use. When it gets cold out, there's only one thing I need to know when I leave the house:

Am I going to need to wear a hat?

You see, whether to wear a hat or not to work is an important decision. When men get out of the shower, it takes a long time to do our hair to make it look like we didn't spend any time doing our hair. But when you throw a hat on a wet head, it makes you look like you combed your hair with a pork chop by the time you get to work. You may begin to notice people not sitting near you in the work cafeteria anymore.

So I propose the creation of the MHI (Messy Hair Index). Just figure out the proper temperature at which I need to throw on a lid, and let me know when the MHI is in play so I can plan for it. I need to know this about a hundred times more than I need to know whether there's a high pressure system hovering over Nebraska.

I'm issuing that challenge to you, Gary Cannalte. Are you man enough to accept?

Hey, Have You Heard There Was a Scandal in the Capitol?

2006-12-06T23:17:00.000-06:00

In their never-ending quest for campaign finance "reform," the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel treats us to this article today, which begins with the following sentence:

Reeling from a Capitol scandal that led to the criminal convictions of five former lawmakers, new leaders of the Legislature on Tuesday laid out reforms they plan to pass next year.

Oh really? The Capitol is "reeling" from a scandal? Did something happen recently that has shed new light on corruption under the dome?

Well... no. Actually, the "scandal" to which the article refers is the campaign activity which occurred in 1999 and 2000 which led to charges being brought against elected officials in 2002. However, you'll notice the article doesn't mention a single date to give some context as to what "scandal" the article is referencing. Your average citizen would pick up the paper and have no idea what scandal happened or when it occurred. Tomorrow, I expect to pick up the paper and read that creepy white guys are still "reeling" over the Dahmer verdict.

This is typical of the print media in the state, who can barely help editorializing in favor of free speech restrictions in their news articles. They fully support restricting the ability of individuals and organizations to express their opinions on candidates during campaigns, as it allows the media more influence in shaping election season rhetoric.

In order to push for their beloved "reforms," they must constantly create an atmosphere of scandal. They take it upon themselves to create an environment that demands "action," which generally means shutting the public out of campaign debate. One would think that several major politicians ending up in jail means the current laws are - at the very least - adequate, but the Journal-Sentinel thinks it means we should be using taxpayer money to run campaigns.

And what are these groundbreaking reforms that are being pitched by Senate Democrats? A one-year cooling-off period before former legislators can become lobbyists; an end to paper ballots used by Senate committees; and more advance notice before legislative committees vote on legislation.

Presto! There you have it - clean government. Chuck Chvala wouldn't be in jail today for extorting money from lobbyists if only legislators hadn't been using paper ballots to vote in committee. Everyone knows that Brian Burke solicited campaign contributions in his Capitol office and filed false per diem reports solely because committees only gave 24 hours notice on their agendas. When that handful of legislators that leave their seats and try to make a living with a lobbying job can't do it anymore, it will turn everything around.

Of course, you'll never see anyone quoted in these articles that makes a rational argument about why campaign finance reform is a bad idea. The paper goes about trashing elected officials, then plays on the anti-politician sentiment to get what's in its best interest - silencing everyone else. It seems freedom of speech doesn't extend much past the newsroom.

UPDATE: The article also makes reference to a bill that would merge the State Elections and Ethics boards. As I've written before, I'm still skeptical that such a bill would make any meaningful difference, aside from lessening Jim Doyle's stranglehold on the Elections Board.

Skeleton Pirate Update

2006-12-06T22:50:00.000-06:00

For all the people concerned about whether I finally got to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," my wife and I watched it last night. Well, actually I fell asleep about an hour in (when the squid-faced guy showed up). So I finished it tonight.

You may now all return to the business of your daily lives.

My Audition Tape

2006-12-04T22:00:00.000-06:00

Too bad someone found my audition tape from the early '80s for a Stanley Kubrick open casting call. Actually, this has been all over the interweb, but I thought I'd pile on.

H/T: Super Secret Rantings

Bucks Watch: Season Observations

2006-12-03T21:41:00.000-06:00

With the Packers having completely bottomed out, I've turned my attention to the Bucks. (SIDE NOTE: Thank God the Packers hired the offensive coordinator from a 4-12 team, who didn't even get an interview with any other NFL squad. It would have totally sucked to have Eric Mangini (7-5) or Sean Payton (8-4) coaching the Packers. I will now go immerse my head in lime jello.)

Some Bucks observations:

Three of the Bucks' starters have the letter "C" on their jersey, indicating they are team captains (Mo Williams, Michael Redd, and Andrew Bogut). That's most of the starting five - wouldn't the other two feel a little left out? What do you have to do not to be named a team captain? Smoke Marlboros at the free throw line?

The Bucks will never be a winning team with Mo Williams as their starting point guard. He's a selfish, me-first guard who doesn't play any defense and isn't interested in running any kind of offense to make sure that the players that can shoot are the ones taking the shots. Because of Mo, Michael Redd disappears for whole quarters while Ruben Patterson, Steve Blake, and Charlie Bell are jacking up long jump shots. He's killing Andrew Bogut's development as a player, since he always settles for his own jump shot instead of forcing the ball inside. With Williams at the point, there's no theme - no plan for how to attack a defense. Everyone just runs around, clueless as to who is going to take the shot at the end of the possession. Most importantly, he has a disturbing amount of hair on his shoulders.

Andrew Bogut and Charlie Villanueva are 14 feet of pure, uncut ugly.

I don't understand why the Bucks' front office hasn't figured out what every Bucks fan already knows - that Steve Blake isn't an NBA player. Sure, he tries hard, but he simply doesn't have the skill level to play point guard at the highest level. He can't defend quick guards, his shooting has been horrific, and he turns the ball over at inopportune times. And this is what the Bucks got for a former all-star seven footer (Jamal Magloire)? It's like the Bucks had a halftime fan shooting contest and someone forgot that the guy they pulled in from the stands is actually still on the court.

Everyone likes the stories of second round draft picks that make it onto an NBA roster and succeed. However, if you have an entire team full of second round picks, it might be time to re-evaluate whether the talent level of your team is where it needs to be. Here's the current makeup of the current Bucks that see any amount of playing time (and yes, it took me 30 minutes to look this up):

Charlie Bell - undrafted
Steve Blake - second round
Andrew Bogut - first round
Dan Gadzuric - second round
Lynn Greer - undrafted
Ersan Ilyasova - second round
David Noel - second round
Ruben Patterson - second round
Michael Redd - second round
Bobby Simmons - second round
Brian Skinner - first round
Charlie Villanueva - first round
Mo Williams - second round

That's eight second-rounders, three first-rounders, and two undrafted players. Granted, second rounders can turn into great players (see Redd, for example). And Lord knows, there have been plenty of first round busts (Shawn Respert, anyone? Tractor Traylor?) But there's a reason players fall out of the first round - generally they have a significant deficiency in their game (like the ability to play it, in Steve Blake's case). Do you really want to roll the dice as a GM on an entire team made up of significantly flawed players?

One of the benefits of having the NBA Full Court package is being able to see local team announcers from around the country. This has allowed me to confirm what I already suspected - that the Bucks' announcers are the worst in the NBA. As if the team isn't bad enough, Paschke and McGlocklin make watching local games nearly unbearable. It's always the same - McGlocklin's old stories about Kareem, the Bucks never commit a foul, excessive use of the term "reload," and on and on. I need McGlocklin as my personal representative to my wife for when I screw up - "There's NO WAY he forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work. THERE'S JUST... NO... WAY!"

Paschke trying to push the nickname of "The Cowboy" on Desmond Mason because he went to Oklahoma State was the low point in local sports broadcasting for the last 20 years. I love being able to turn to a game and not be able to tell which team's announcers are calling it. When it's the Bucks announcers, you're better off throwing on the headphones and listening to some tunes.

I had planned on just killing Terry Stotts for using a ridiculous zone defense for the recent west coast swing. But with the Bucks going 2-1 on the road trip so far, it's hard to argue the results - although they are winning in spite of the zone, not because of it.

Playing an exclusively zone defense in the NBA is absolutely ridiculous. Professional coaches and players are too good not to figure it out. As a head coach, it amounts to waving a white flag and conceding that your team either doesn't have the heart to play any defense, or you as a coach aren't willing to teach your team to defend. It worked in the first game of the road trip against the Lakers, because it took them by surprise and they can't shoot.

Playing zone the entire game against the Phoenix Suns, one of the best shooting teams in the NBA, was absurd. Yet the Bucks sit back and let Steve Nash get to the middle of the lane and hit shooter after shooter for wide open three pointers. Plus, it's harder to rebound in a zone (you don't have an assigned man to block out), and it's harder to defend in transition (you don't have an assigned man to pick up, which is why Golden State's Troy Murphy hit five three pointers in the third quarter against the Bucks).

The Packers are dead last in the NFL in points per game allowed. The Bucks are second to last in the NBA in points per game allowed. The Brewers were 25th in major league baseball in team ERA at the end of last year. The State Legislature can't even keep gay people from scoring. There truly is no "D" in "Wisconsin."

Oh, and the Bucks uniforms look pretty good. That is all.

Early Review: "Blood Diamond"

2006-12-03T18:33:00.000-06:00

The wife (Weezie) and I decided to catch a sneak preview of the movie "Blood Diamond" on Saturday night. So I am proud to be able to provide you with this early review before you'll even read about it in the papers:

Eh.

The Ultimate Cure for Shyness

2006-11-29T18:04:00.000-06:00

New Iraqi Constitution Forgets to Ban Gays

2006-11-29T00:33:00.000-06:00

Baghdad (AP) - A loophole in the new Iraqi Constitution has made the middle eastern country a popular vacation spot for gays and lesbians, according to U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad. "Boy, we really screwed that one up," said Khalilzad. "You would think that would be the first thing to write in our Constitution - making sure people of the same sex can't find any sort of level of happiness," he said.

Khalilzad was visiting a neighborhood in Baghdad the other day, when he saw two men that he assumed were taking part in the traditional Iraqi practice of mustache fighting. As he neared the men, he realized that they, in fact, just enjoyed a fancy meal and a showing of "When Harry Met Sally." Khalilzad stated for the record that he thought Billy Crystal's performance was a little over the top, but enjoyed Meg Ryan's whimsical banter.

Before the new Constitution was adopted, homosexuality was a crime in Iraq, punishable either by death or being adopted by Madonna. In order to escape this choice, many gay Iraqis have been spotted jumping off the roof of the tallest building remaining in Iraq, the one story Qdoba down on the corner of Uday and Qusay boulevards.

Despite the anti-homosexual sentiment in Iraq, lesbian pornography has continued to run rampant, as hot burqa on burqa action is still encouraged. However, authorities still have the ability to ban truly obscene images, such as a picture of a woman voting.

In a speech to the United Nations, Khalilzad said that he was proud of the progress Iraq has made in becoming a more modern society. For instance, Iraqis are now able to use cutting edge conveniences like Rubik's Cubes and Huey Lewis and the News tapes. He vowed that America was going to stay the course for as long as it takes to free their nation, or until Republicans start to lose seats in Congress, whichever comes first.

"America will not relent until Iraq's leg is humped by the Puppy of Freedom," said the erudite Khalilzad, before boarding a plane to get the hell out of there.

The 'Ol Bait and Switch

2006-11-28T23:43:00.000-06:00

My wife and I have a Netflix subscription, and pretty much take turns picking movies out to watch. I remember looking at our preference list and seeing that my wife added "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest."

At work today, she sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to watch "my girl Keira" (Knightley) tonight. I replied and said fine, since I didn't think the first Pirates of the Caribbean was all that bad.

After she put my daughter to bed, I made some popcorn, grabbed a soda, and settled in for some Skeleton Pirate action. At the beginning of the movie, it was just Keira walking around in this house full of little girls that were giggling. I kept waiting for skeletons to jump out and grab her. After about 5 minutes, I kept waiting for things to pick up. I looked at my wife and asked her if "her boy Orlando" (Bloom) was in this. She looked puzzled and said no. After a few more minutes, I realized - she got Pride and Prejudice, not Pirates of the Caribbean. And I was locked in - no escape for two long hours of this nonsense.

I suppose it could have been worse, but I clearly was the victim of the old "bait and switch" technique. In the future, boys - ask for details. As revenge, I at least get to post a picture.

The Great American Hope - From Green Bay

2006-11-27T23:19:00.000-06:00

I completely missed this Sports Illustrated feature story in October about Green Bay's own Jay DeMerit. DeMerit has taken the English Premier Soccer League by storm in a time where - let's face it - Americans aren't exactly overly popular. Aside from that, he's a self made star and a was a longshot to make it big.

I'm not a huge soccer fan, but I do know being a star in the English Premier league makes you one of the biggest sports icons in the world. Reading the story about how DeMerit worked his way up through the ranks to where he is now is inspirational - and Wisconsin is lucky enough to call him our own.

Your Madison HDTV Buying Guide

2006-11-26T22:16:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I recently purchased a 42-inch plasma HDTV. Upon bankrupting the future of my child, I instantly realized two things. First, there are a lot of things I didn’t anticipate when I bought the TV. Secondly, dog food doesn’t really taste that bad when combined with appropriate levels of cumin.

As a public service, I thought I’d give a few tips of what you can expect when you, too, decide your children shouldn’t go to college. I'll start with a warning - after you buy your new big screen HDTV, there is this annoyance known as "your family" that will sporadically try to divert your attention away from the vivid glory of your new TV. Occasionally, they will make demands like "take us to the park" or "come to the table for dinner." Sometimes, you will be able to groan and wave to pacify them, but they will always be back for more. If you hold out long enough, your daughter will have gone on tour with a rock band and your wife will have formed a bond with the mailman, and your life will be much simpler.

Tips:

If you buy a plasma TV, make sure you have a big enough truck to get it home upright. For plasmas, you can’t lean them more than 15 degrees forward or backwards, or the mysterious crystals break or some crap like that. Or if you tilt your TV, you get testicular cancer. It was one of those two, I can't remember which. You can have your TV delivered, but it will take a week or two for them to bring it to your house - which totally kills the rush of spending all that money.

If you buy your TV at Best Buy, you can sign up for the Reward Zone card, which gives you back two bucks for every, like, thousand bucks you spend – but only after going through some ridiculously complicated online process of redeeming your cash. On the positive side, you don’t have to give out your phone number at the register anymore, since they already have it. Out of habit, I’ve actually been giving out my phone number to waitresses for years now, much to the chagrin of my wife.

If you have DirecTV, make sure you call and set up your HD hook-up appointment well before you actually get your TV. If you call after you get your TV, you can look forward to waiting for a month before you can get HD satellite service. Nobody likes a month of foreplay – it may get so bad, that you start eyeing up your best friend’s HDTV. However, you can still hook up an antenna to get local HD channels until your cable/satellite hookup comes.

If you do get an HD antenna (they’re pretty cheap – like $20), don’t waste your money on one that’s “enhanced” with electricity. Trust me, I've wasted enough money on electric enhancing agents via Swedish mail-order. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but for some reason when you turn on the juice to strengthen the pickup, the picture actually gets worse. Instead, have your wife stand on your roof with the antenna over her head.

Even after your satellite service is hooked up, you may want to keep your antenna hooked up. For some reason, Channel 27 (ABC) and Channel 21 (PBS) in Madison don’t broadcast through DirecTV yet. So if you want to watch an ABC football game in HD or just can’t miss a guy playing the banjo with his feet on “Here and Now,” you need to use your antenna. When you do use your antenna, there are some stations that you will be able to get that you don’t get through your satellite or cable. NBC-15 has some weather station that they broadcast on 15-2. There are actually three HD PBS stations (your tax dollars at work). And there’s a sister music video channel connected to channel 47 that’s better than any video channel you’d pay for on cable.

When you sign up for DirecTV, you'll have to get a new receiver, which will run you an extra $100. TiVo-enabled receivers cost more, and there's apparently a shortage of them right now. You'll be able to move your old TiVo receiver to another TV and still use it for no extra charge. But if you watch so much TV that you need two TiVo receivers running at once, then you really need to put down the pipe, get off the couch, and start looking for a job.

The dudes at the electronics store are going to try to get you to buy some super-expensive cables to hook up all your components. Seriously, some of the cables alone run $100 per cable – enough to keep all the Best Buy employees stocked with plenty of hair gel. I tried out a few cables on my TV, and didn’t really notice any appreciable difference between the cheap and expensive cables. There are several different ways you'll be able to hook up your cable/satellite box, your DVD player, and your Playstation to your TV - RGB cables, HDMI, S-Video, etc. From what I hear, HDMI is the best, but I don't notice a lot of difference from when I had my satellite box connected with RGB cables. Whatever - just don't spend a lot on cables.

They are also going to try to get you to buy an “upconverting” DVD player, which is supposed to translate your current DVDs in to high-def. I have actually been perfectly happy with my regular DVD player, and Consumer Reports said it didn’t notice much difference, either.

Regardless of what kind of HDTV you get, you’d better get used to the idea of watching a lot of your TV shows stretched out horizontally to fit the wider screen. Shows broadcast in HD don’t have this problem, but regular analog shows will. You can fix your settings so you can watch in regular 4:3 ratio format, but then you have black bars on the sides of the screen, which are apparently bad for the TV. If you see black people on your TV, do not panic – it just means you have wandered off of your local Madison newscast. A healthy dose of Eric Franke should calm your nerves.

Also, be prepared to have about 11 remote controls available at all times. I know you can program some remotes to merge with other remotes, but there's no remote that can take on all the functions of all your components. As a result, you will need to schedule extra confession time to make up for the extra swearing you will do when your child decides to clean the toilet with the DVD remote.

If you're spending that much on an HDTV, it really is worth it to spend a couple hundred extra bucks on a surround sound system. Not only is the sound great, but you can turn it up louder when your wife is yelling at you for spending a couple of hundred extra bucks on a surround sound system.

So there it is - happy shopping. If for some reason you can't afford a big screen TV, a more economical option is to sit about a foot away from your existing crappy television.

Happy Gay Turkey Day!

2006-11-21T19:04:00.000-06:00

Great, now the state has to pass another consitutional amendment.

From MSNBC:

From male killer whales that ride the dorsal fin of another male to female bonobos that rub their genitals together, the animal kingdom tolerates all kinds of lifestyles. A first-ever museum display, "Against Nature?," which opened last month at the University of Oslo's Natural History Museum in Norway, presents 51 species of animals exhibiting homosexuality...
However, species continuation may not always be the ultimate goal, as many animals, including humans, engage in sexual activities more than is necessary for reproduction.

You mean you can have sex without making a baby? Really? That's the excuse women gave me for 20 years!

One question - if you eat a gay turkey, are you a party to a hate crime? I knew something was wrong when I got home from work and my goldfish had rearranged the furniture and bought new drapes.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. Try not to aggravate your relatives too much.

COP BLOCKED: Abusing the Penal System

2006-11-19T22:05:00.000-06:00

I was swapping stories with my buddy Johnny Roast Beef at the Badger game yesterday, and remembered one that I thought was worth passing along. It shows just how ruthless the Milwaukee police can be.

After my second year of college in the early '90s, I was working a summer job in a factory in Milwaukee. I think it's generous to say that in my first two years of college, I had a little trouble attracting the ladies. Actually, I could have been hiding the cure for childhood poverty in my pants, and I wouldn't have been able to get a girl to investigate it.

Anyway, my friends and I used to go to a super skanky dance club downtown called Metropolis. This was the type of bar that should have given out a free chaser of penicillin with every shot of whiskey. Fishnet tank tops for men was actually part of the dress code. There were only two ways that you could leave this bar without a girl: 1) If you were dead; and 2) If you were me.

So one night, I actually meet a girl there and talked to her for a while. She had two eyes and a full set of teeth, so I was a happy guy. Everything checked out. We went on a couple dates and had a good time. Then, she indicated to me that it was "go time." She wanted me to meet her at her parents' house on the near south side on a weekday afternoon that I wasn't working. Seemed reasonable to me - I probably would have moonwalked backwards to Arkansas for the chance.

So I show up at her house, and it's just me and her there. Quickly, it becomes evident that the third base coach is waving me home. The captain had turned on the "fasten seatbelt/no smoking" sign, and the plane was ready to land. The camel had applied the sunscreen. (I just made that last one up - feel free to use it casually in conversation.)

Suddenly, there was a loud knocking on her front door. We didn't know who it was, since her parents weren't supposed to be home for at least another hour. I ducked into the closet, and she went to get the door. It was a couple of Milwaukee city cops.

Apparently, there was a crackdown on high school truancy going on at the time. For some reason, the cops had watched me pull up to her house and go inside. Thinking we were high school students skipping school, they decided to investigate. I was 20 years old at the time. They made me come outside and sit in the car while they ran my driver's license for a background check. As I was sitting there, millions of innocent little Yorks were crashing head first into a wall at full speed.

By the time the whole episode was over and they let me go, it was too late. Her parents were due back, so I had to jump in my car and high-tail it out of there. It was the end of the summer, so I soon left for school and never saw the girl again. On behalf of all the people who were likely being robbed, shot, or plagiarized in the City of Milwaukee at the time, I would like to thank the police for their attentiveness to the turmoil in my boxers.

Despite the statute of limitations having passed, I'm pretty sure I have a pretty good case against the Milwaukee police department. In court, I could just supply the jury a picture of what I looked like at the time, and they'd order me millions in punitive damages. At the very least, the Department should give me a "one free public urination" coupon.

Also, that little episode marked the first time I had to go buy... uhhhhhh.... "protection." I worked in a drug store in high school, so I had seen this done and knew it was possible. There were two strategies employed in purchasing prophylactics: You had the guys who would bury them in a mountain of other various sundry items, to distract and confuse the other people in line. On the other hand, you had the guys that would walk up to the register, slam down their box of condoms, and announce to everyone in the store that this was the night they were going to set the world coital record.

I, on the other hand, was absolutely horrified. I figured I would try gas stations, since there were likely less people in there to see me. Problem was, every gas station I went to was either full of people or had a female working the counter. Most of them kept the goods behind the counter, so you would have to publicly announce your purchase to the gas station patrons. And forget about standing there in front of the counter and looking at what brand or style you wanted. Suddenly, saran wrap seemed like a viable option. (AKA, Doin' it lunch style)

Just so I didn't look like a criminal, I'd chicken out and buy a bottle of Mountain Dew and slink out of the store. At one point, I looked down at my passenger seat and counted nine bottles of Mountain Dew.

Finally, I sucked it up and bought a box from the PDQ out near the happy barn by Delafield. Keep in mind, I was living in Greenfield at the time - and that is where I ended up finally making the purchase. I think I hit every gas station inbetween. That reminds me, that box I bought is almost empty - I should probably go get another one.

UW Hires Remainder of Capitol Press Corps

2006-11-19T20:30:00.000-06:00

Back in July, the University of Wisconsin System began taking applications for three new positions within the System President's office. One would be an executive level position (which has since been filled) and the other two would be assigned the tasks of media relations and lobbying the Legislature.

On Friday, Wispolitics reported the names of the ten finalists for those remaining two positions. The list contains many of the people one would expect to apply - capitol staffers and lobbyists.

However, there is one name on the list that stands out. Tom Sheehan is a reporter for Lee Newspapers who has been covering the Capitol for a number of years. His reports run in the La Crosse Tribune, the Wisconsin State Journal, and other state publications. He is also a finalist for one of the UW System positions.

In order for Sheehan to be on the list, he had to apply in July or August. Since that time, he has continued to file reports not only on UW issues, but issues the UW finds important: Gay marriage, affirmative action, etc.

This strikes me as a naked conflict of interest. Here's a reporter lobbying for a job with the very entity that he's trying to cover. If you're a reader of any of the publications that run Sheehan's articles, shouldn't you know that he's likely giving the UW a complete pass on issues so he doesn't kill his chances of getting this job? Isn't it possible he's promoting issues favored by the UW, to cast himself in the best light?

Furthermore, aside from what he wrote in articles that he actually did file, one has to question how many stories he decided not to cover that may have cast the UW in a bad light and hurt his job chances.

To wit: On October 5th, Sheehan wrote an article about affirmative action within the UW System, and whether doing away with the practice would actually threaten veterans' ability to gain entrance into the System. Of course, the UW favors affirmative action in admissions, so the scare tactic on which the article is based seems like it could have come right out of the UW's talking points.

On July 30, Sheehan wrote in an opinion column about the Kevin Barrett controversy within the UW System, but barely mentions the UW's culpability in giving Barrett a job. He merely mentions:

Administrators were forced to choose between Barrett in a case of perceived "academic freedom" and Nass, a perennial critic. With about 28,000 System employees looking on, administrators stuck with Barrett.

Academic freedom versus Steve Nass. It's really that easy, right? Actually, the UW chose "academic freedom" over things like "factual integrity" and "responsible use of tax dollars." Steve Nass only served as a red herring served up by people looking to make the UW look more favorable. Barrett was criticized for being a crackpot; does Nass deserve equal condemnation for pointing it out?

Furthermore, Sheehan wrote article after article after article about the gay marriage constitutional amendment (some of them totally absurd), and it was clear where he stood. Purely coincidentally, he happened to share the exact position that the UW Administration held - against the amendment.

Of course, reporters and columnists are free to apply for jobs within state government as they see fit. Tom Sheehan is probably a great guy. But shouldn't we as readers be aware of possible conflicts of interest when they file reports that are supposed to be objective?

SIDE NOTE: This answers your question about why I have failed to be critical of Victoria's Secret - I figure my job application is working its way through upper management right now.

UPDATE: Astute reader e-mails me to point out that former Eau Claire Leader-Telegram Managing Editor Doug Mell is now spokesman for the UW-Stout. To his credit, Mell actually challenged the university system on occasion in his Leader-Telegram editorials.

Hidden Treasure

2006-11-19T19:38:00.000-06:00

Is there anything better than re-discovering a CD that you loved back in the day, but that you forgot that you even owned? It's like finding a $20 bill in an old leopard print g-string.

This video reminded me of the massive early '90s Indie Guy crush I had on Kristin Hersh of Throwing Muses. I went to see them in concert in '93 (I think), and I felt like a 12 year old girl at an N*SYNC show.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share the love for those that may be late.

Capitol Offense

2006-11-14T22:45:00.000-06:00

A lot of offensive things go on at the Capitol, but I think this one trumps them all.

Tonight, the Capitol building was lit up in pink and blue to "promote prematurity awareness."

Okay, so some of us have a problem with prematurity. Do you really need to turn the Capitol purple to broadcast our most private, personal problems to the world?

Wait.. what?

Going to make millions.

2006-11-13T18:41:00.000-06:00

York requested that I run our new business idea past his readership. He would do it himself but I think he's under a desk somewhere. (Take that whichever way you will. I can't stop you.)

Anyway, I'm convinced that this idea is pure genius. Recent studies suggest that consumers are frustrated and confused by the widespread availability of outerwear vests. Further research reveals that the #1 complaint of young people ages 18-25 is that their limbs are too cold & their core too warm.

It took a pair of bloggers to figure out what was missing. The answer: Simply Arms. An entire store dedicated to selling nothing but sleeves.

Simply Arms will probably sell sandwiches and beverages as well. Simply Soup does it so its obviously cool with DATCP and the FTC. I'm feeling pretty proud of this idea. I think I'll have a beer.

Seems like a bad career move.

2006-11-12T11:28:00.000-06:00

I'm watching "Plot to Kill: Ronald Reagan" on the History channel. My info button says it is a documentary and "dramatic reenactment".

How much would it suck to play the creepy guy in a dramatic reenactment? I'm pretty sure it doesn't help you get the ladies. Plus it means that you have that certain deranged look about you.

I wish my remote control weren't lost in the couch cushions.

RPS. Think about it.

2006-11-10T19:05:00.000-06:00

I'm still working on that stoplight post York requested but there are just so many other things to talk about. So many things.

But what I really want is to give York's readers something to think about this weekend. You have to think on the weekends too. To keep your mind nimble and bendy.

So why not think about Professional Rock Paper Scissors:

Now...I'm not one to criticize. I once purchased a textbook on arm wrestling. (It was worth it. I've never lost to a girl). But lets move on. Stop looking at me.

There are apparently a variety of legitimate strategies involved in RPS if you know what you're doing. And it is clearly a very sexy sport (as evidenced by the partial boob in the above logo).

But seriously...should we really allow people to compete professionally at just anything? If we let the camel's nose under the tent on this one, pretty soon EVERYONE will be a professional of one sort or another. And then what will we call the people with actual talent? Anyway, think about it.

pressure to perform

2006-11-09T23:40:00.000-06:00

Hm. So I'm excited for this chance to stand in Dennis York's shoes for a day or two. Incidentally, his shoes are damp. Very dubious indeed.

Before leaving on blog vacation, York left me with three simple instructions. In his own words:

1. "Just be yourself."
2. "Don't say anything about my enormous earlobes."
3. "Your first post must be about stoplights. You have to bring it."

I don't want to let the man down so I have spent much of my evening collecting data on traffic signals and the susceptibility of ferrets to European bat rabies. Er...except not that last part.

Time Off

2006-11-09T17:02:00.000-06:00

Since I am recovering from both a literal and figurative election night hangover, I'm taking some time off from the blog. In my place will be the fabulous Neville Barksdale, who will take the reins in my absence. Please welcome Neville with a big round of applause.

I imagine Neville looks something like this:

Get to Know This Man

2006-11-09T07:45:00.000-06:00

Assuming the remaining Assembly Republicans retain him as Speaker, Mike Huebsch now becomes the most important Republican in the state. I know everyone's psyched about J.B. Van Hollen's big win as Attorney General, but Huebsch and the Assembly Republicans now serve as a statewide goaltender, blocking all the bad ideas that will come from the Democratic Governor and Senate. Huebsch has to fill the same role that Chuck Chvala played for Democrats when Republicans held the Assembly and Governorship. Without Huebsch being an effective leader, we will see caps on school property taxes and the QEO lifted, more business regulation that drive jobs out of the state, and increased taxes and fees that force our residents to other states.

More later...

The York Pre-Election Spectacular

2006-11-06T23:48:00.000-06:00

Everyone seems to be doing their pre-election posts with their endorsements, predictions, and observations. I will refrain from any of these, as I refuse to believe that anyone really cares what I, as a dopey blogger, think. Plus, if you read my blog, you pretty much know how I'm voting. If you don't read my blog, congratulations on actually being a productive worker in your office.

The only thing I haven't figured out is how I'm voting in the Baldwin/Magnum congressional race - how do you support either? After I vote, Count Chocula might be one vote closer to his dream of representing Dane County in Congress. His other dream, of course, is to turn my milk brown and delicious. Mission accomplished on that one.

At the end of a campaign, the idea is to make voters not be able to comprehend the world if the other guy is elected. The rhetoric gets so heated and outlandish, it's easy to think the apocalypse will descend upon us if our guy loses. Now, I have no idea what will happen on Tuesday, but in the event a worst-case development occurs, I want to provide some pre-emptive consolation to Republican voters.

Think about the 85% of Wisconsin citizens who can't name a single one of their elected representatives, and how happy they generally are. To these people, it makes absolutely no difference who inhabits state government - as long as their trailer is still there when they get back from the liquor store, they live content lives.

If Democrats end up winning a lot of offices on Tuesday, there are substantial portions of your life that will remain untouched. For instance:

-Democrats won't be able to stop you from enjoying playing with your kids.

-Democrats won't be able to stop you from enjoying delicious sausage deep dish pizzas from Lou Malnati's (although it will take you a year to get in to see a doctor when the inevitable cardiac arrest occurs).

-Democrats won't be able to keep you from laughing at people with outrageous mustaches.

-Democrats have no impending plans to change the periodic table of elements, so the symbol for Tungsten will remain "W." Thus, you can continue to make entertain friends at dinner parties with this fact, before you get down to business and the wife swapping begins.

-Democrats won't be able to keep you from experiencing the pure joy you feel when you find a ten dollar bill in an old pair of jeans. Of course, they will snatch it up when they find out you have it, but at least you temporarily felt the thrill of discovery.

-Democrats won't enter your house and forcibly take the one shirt you have that doesn't make you look fat.

-Democrats won't eliminate your right to sob like a little girl when Red gets out of prison in Shawshank, when you watch it for the 35th time.

-Democrats will save America from the growing epidemic of gay Republican congressmen touching your children - since no Democrats are gay or have ever done anything unseemly.

-Democrats can't eliminate the feeling you get when you realize that all the drinks you bought her are working, and she can't tell what you look like anymore. Probably much like how Lance Armstrong felt after his fourth straight Tour de France victory.

-Democrats will show us how a bad war is supposed to be run (see LBJ).

-Democrats will not be able to prevent you from sticking your tongue in a bag full of popcorn when your arms are full of snacks at a movie. Of course, if you are a teenage Republican, that will likely be the only thing you are sticking your tongue in at the movies.

On the other hand, you will pay higher taxes and your house will probably be declared Ho-Chunk sacred gambling property and taken from you. Details, details.

After the nad-punching the Packers provided on Sunday, I don't know if I can take any more crushing disappointments this week. In fact, I may have to wear a protective cup to the polls. Regardless of who ends up winning on Tuesday, my night will probably end the same way it ends every night - with me crying myself to sleep, clutching a bottle of Wild Turkey.

That being said, if Democrats sweep all the major offices tomorrow, look for me on the news - I'll be the guy wearing an orange ten gallon hat and arm floaties that's running around naked on the beltline, waving a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be the only way I fulfill my dream of making it onto the news on election night.

Now let's get out there and make this the sexiest election day ever.

Bringin' the HEAT

2006-11-06T20:52:00.000-06:00

I didn't want the election season to expire without mentioning the impressive campaign mounted by Mike Hanson, who's running for Dane County Sheriff. As you probably already know, Sheriff is the one office where you can conceivably be elected countywide as a Republican in Dane County.

Actually, who am I kidding? - I just like his ads, which have become a popular catch phrase with me and my buddies. It contains a tough, memorable slogan that obviously relates to the recent spike in muggings in Madison:

Actually, I brought the heat a few years ago - but a little penicillin cleared it right up.

Cross Out "The Xoff Files"

2006-11-06T18:03:00.000-06:00

Wispolitics is reporting tonight that Bill Christofferson will be ending his popular lefty blog "The Xoff Files" tomorrow.

For a couple of years now, The Xoff Files has been the most reliable place to visit to hear what Democrats are saying and thinking. In fact, Christofferson was one of my biggest supporters from the beginning, even supporting me when media weasels were breathing down my neck. He also sent me this filthy picture, for which I can never thank him enough.

It will be interesting to see who steps up to fill the void - I'm casting my vote for Folkbum right now, for no other reason than we share the same undying love for Neko Case.

As for Christofferson, let's hope the tribes reward him with an all expense paid vacation to Fiji for at least the next couple of election cycles. He was a never-ending source of irritation for me and the rest of the right wing blogging cabal, which means he did his job pretty well.

Bear Re-enacts My College Experience

2006-11-02T23:25:00.000-06:00

I think I remember buying this bear a drink sophomore year. She threw a trout at me, which was actually one of the better ways women reacted to my advances.

Next time I stumble in at 2 AM, I'll just tell my wife I ran into a bad batch of fermented apples. In the strip club.

Magnum Crashes the Party

2006-11-02T22:56:00.000-06:00

On Thursday, the race for Wisconsin's 2nd Congressional District took on an almost Fellini-esque quality when challenger Dave Magnum crashed a joint press conference held by incumbent Tammy Baldwin and U.S. Senator Herb Kohl.

In one of his ads last month, Magnum used a quote from Kohl in one of his TV ads that apparently refers to people that talk a lot and do nothing as "jawjacking." It appears as though this was an attempt by Magnum to connect himself with the popular Kohl, even though it was clear Kohl supported Baldwin. Which leads us to today.

Baldwin and Kohl held a press conference this morning to announce Kohl's obvious support of Baldwin. Kohl looks completely perplexed at the idea of Magnum using his name in his ads. The only problem is, Magnum actually crashed the press conference and accosted Kohl afterwards. You can see the video of the whole thing here (click on the "video story" link next to the story).

Watch as Magnum grabs Kohl by the shoulder and won't let him go until he talks to him. Check out the horrified look on Kohl's face as he tries desperately to blow Magnum off - and witness the priceless brief glance Baldwin and her campaign manager share as this is all going on. Kohl looks like the nurse at the home just told him he won't be getting his warm milk and cookies that night. When Kohl finally wrestles himself away from Magnum, he utters a patronizing "God bless you," to Magnum, which somehow Magnum misinterprets as some kind of endorsement.

When asked why he went to the press conference, Magnum says he was invited by Channel 27 News, which they deny.

God bless Dave Magnum, indeed. You just can't make this stuff up.

Get a Flu Shot

2006-11-02T21:30:00.000-06:00

You know you're wife is just going to nag you until you get one anyway, so why not just get off your ass and do it now?

Doyle Totally Busted Buying Justin Timberlake CD

2006-11-01T23:25:00.000-06:00

Madison (AP) - In an explosive development that is likely to break the Wisconsin gubernatorial race wide open, investigators have begun looking into reports that Governor Jim Doyle actually purchased the new Justin Timberlake CD, "Future Sex/Love Sounds." When confronted by reporters immediately following the incident, a visibly shaken Doyle said only, "Um.... stem cells? Anyone?"

Doyle spokesman Anson Kaye immediately dismissed the incident, saying "Governor Doyle has long been an admirer of Mr. Timberlake's work, and he fully supports his initiative to bring sexy back." Recent economic reports show that sexy has been on the decline in Wisconsin, roughly since the introduction of the McGriddle breakfast sandwich.

Timberlake's work, popular among babysitters and imaginary unicorn riders, appears to have driven Doyle to some questionable behavior lately. "Yeah, he's really been acting totally weird - wearing headphones to cabinet meetings and spending his whole day in his office on MySpace," said campaign chair Marc Marotta. "Maybe he's just getting used to his new training bra," snickered Marotta, while covering his face and trying not to laugh. However, open records requests show that Marotta himself purchased the Timberlake CD a full month before Doyle.

In his campaign, Doyle has been making a conscious effort to reach out to young voters. In fact, he recently released a television ad in which he peforms the most awkward caucasian high-five in human recorded history, barely beating out the time blogger Dennis York found out sweater vests at Banana Republic were on sale.

Doyle's youth outreach strategy has earned him a 100% approval rating among voters under 14 years of age. His popularity has plummeted among his fraternity brothers, who actually all own the CD themselves, but are too ashamed to admit that it's actually pretty damn good. In an attempt to resurrect his indie cred, Doyle has been seen touting his prescription drug plan wearing a tattered Dead Milkmen t-shirt.

A Picture of Jim Doyle Golfing

2006-11-01T22:52:00.001-06:00

Bonus "Write your own caption" photo:

Rhetoric on Autopilot

2006-11-01T22:27:00.000-06:00

The world doesn't need to hold its collective breath anymore waiting for Neil Heinen of Channel 3 in Madison to tell them how to vote on the gay marriage amendment. The Word of Heinen has been handed down on tablets, and reads (my bold):

Next Tuesday's election here in Wisconsin will be watched around the country for a number of reasons and one of those is the potentially precedent-setting vote on the proposed amendment defining marriage. We very much hope this amendment is defeated, and Wisconsin is seen as a national leader in offering a tolerant environment to all.

Rarely is a word so accurately reflective of a ballot question as the word "fair" is to the marriage amendment. Opponents are urging a "no" vote for a fair Wisconsin. We agree. The proposal to define marriage, which is already adequately defined in our constitution, is nothing less than an attempt to codify unfairness, to make mean-spiritedness and bigotry the law of the state.

Of course, he meant to say "adequately defined in our statutes," and not "constitution." The constitution doesn't say anything about marriage. But it just goes to show that the rhetoric on this proposed amendment is completely on auto-pilot. Instead of this sloppy missive, he could have just said:

"Ummm... vote "no" on the amendment because it's unfair, and, ummm.... here's a collection of some more words that kind of sound like what I've been hearing from my lefty pals."

Planned Parenthood's Emergency Deception

2006-10-31T21:29:00.000-06:00

In the last week of a gubernatorial campaign, the claims and counterclaims between opponents fly so fast it's hard to keep up. A casualty of the dizzying pace is the truth, as few media outlets are actually willing to do the work to research the flurry of accusations made against candidates.

This week, the Doyle for Governor campaign released a television ad featuring a rape survivor who claims that Congressman Mark Green would deny her the choice to have an abortion. Unless Green ascends to the post of Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court and takes Justice Anthony Kennedy with him, abortion on demand will remain the law of the land, regardless of who inhabits the East Wing of the Wisconsin State Capitol.

Nevertheless, Planned Parenthood today, on cue, followed up with a press release which essentially provides more information on Doyle's TV ad. In the release, they cite several pieces of legislation which are supposed to prove that Mark Green wants to deny emergency contraception to rape survivors. Their first citation reads:

(Green) failed to support compassionate care for rape victims and access to emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy after an assault. (2005 HR 2928)

Note that there never was a vote of any kind on 2005 HR 2928 in the U.S. House, where Green served. Unable to cite a specific vote, Planned Parenthood criticizes Green for "failing to support" the bill, which means he didn't sign on to the bill as a cosponsor. By this standard, Milwaukee Democrat Gwen Moore also "failed to support" the bill, as she isn't on the bill either. Saying that someone "failed to support" a piece of legislation because they didn't put their name on it is like saying you're failing to support your neighbor if you don't mow his lawn for him every weekend.

That's not to say that Green theoretically didn't oppose the bill, which does something very different than providing "compassionate care for rape victims." The bill summary reads as follows:

Prohibits any federal funds from being provided to a hospital unless the hospital meets certain conditions related to a woman who is a victim of sexual assault, including that the hospital:

(1) provides the woman with accurate and unbiased information about emergency contraception;
(2) offers emergency contraception to the woman;
(3) provides the woman such contraception at the hospital on her request; and
(4) does not deny any such services because of the inability of the woman or her family to pay.

So the bill is really about federal funding, and the ability to withhold that funding unless hospitals and health care centers comply with this heavy-handed federal mandate.

Ironically, the bill attempts to impose the same invasive mandate that Planned Parenthood opposes when pro-life groups attempt to withhold federal funds for abortion-related activities. Doesn't Planned Parenthood believe people should be allowed to make their own choices? Aren't they opposed to government stepping in and hindering those choices? Silly questions, I know.

Let's think about this bill in practice. You run a Catholic health facility that cares for seniors and the disabled, and you rely on hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars, to care for these fragile individuals. This bill would require your medical center to provide a certain type of procedure that goes against a fundamental teaching of your faith, or you'd lose all of your Medicaid and Medicare funding. Additionally, even if you provide the procedure, you must also provide materials that are deemed "accurate and unbiased" by a government bureaucrat, and you must provide it at no cost; otherwise, your doors get shut down and all of the people for whom you provide care will be left to fend for their own health care.

In essence, proponents of this bill are prioritizing chemical abortion over all other forms of health care. Pulling federal funding from medical centers who know best about what types of procedures they can offer patients is an unconscionable invasion by federal lawmakers. When those millions in federal dollars go away, I'm sure that will help address the rising costs of and availability of health insurance.

The next two bullet points in Planned Parenthood's release aren't any more accurate. They claim that Green:

• Co-authored legislation to allow health care providers to deny women access to birth control and health care. (1997 AB 953)
• Supports allowing pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions for birth control. (1997 AB 953)

As you can see from their citations, these two are the same bill - but it's a nice effort to try to split the bill into two bullet points.

1997 Assembly Bill 953 was introduced at the time RU-486 was becoming a reality. The bill expanded an existing state law that allowed medical professionals to refuse to participate in medical procedures with which they disagreed on moral, ethical, or religious grounds (such as abortion). Essentially, the bill added dispensing RU-486 to the list of procedures that medical professionals could sit out because of their beliefs, since the pill prevented implantation of a fertilized egg in the uterine wall.

Planned Parenthood keeps hanging on to the falsehood that somehow these conscience clause bills have something to do with "birth control" as it is normally understood. None of the bills that have ever been considered deal with "the pill," yet pro-abortion groups keep trying to make women think they do, to scare and confuse them.

In fact, the 2003 "conscience clause" bill specifically exempted "contraceptive articles," defined in state law as "any drug, medicine, mixture, preparation, instrument, article or device of any nature used or intended or represented to be used to prevent a pregnancy" (Wis. Stat 450.155 (1)(a). When some legislators tried to remove this exemption (thereby allowing pharmacists to refuse to give out birth control pills), their amendment was voted down by a whopping 86-8 vote - a rebuke rarely seen among members of the majority party.

I actually disagree with Green's stance on abortion - I believe some exceptions (rape, incest, life of the mother) are appropriate. This post isn't meant to sugar coat Green's stance on abortion, as if to say that he's actually closer to Planned Parenthood than they think. He isn't - and good for him. Any position he would take would be opposed by pro-abortion groups.

The purpose of this post is merely to illustrate that if you run as a pro-life candidate, you're not necessarily running on your actual record. You're running on whatever the pro-abortion groups say your record is, real or imagined, as the media never takes the time to research the veracity of claims in the last week of a busy campaign. But I guess we need campaign finance reform to reduce the amount of political speech during campaigns, rather than asking reporters to actually investigate and report on the accuracy of the speech that occurs. That might actually leave it in the hands of the people to decide who's telling the truth, rather than the editorial boards.

The "What is the World Coming To?" Report

2006-10-31T20:31:00.000-06:00

11-year-old Pewaukee trick-or-treater robbed of candy

City of Pewaukee - Walking home after an afternoon of trick or treating and playing ghost in the graveyard with friends, an 11-year-old boy was robbed of his candy by a male wearing a ski mask, Chief Gary Bach said.

Corey Sweeney, who will be 12 on Thursday, said he went trick or treating with friends in their Springdale Estates neighborhood Sunday afternoon and then visited a friend. When trick or treating ended at 6 p.m., he decided to walk the short distance to his home.

"A car pulled up alongside me and I thought it was just stopping for the stop sign," Corey said. But a male wearing a ski mask got out of the passenger side of the car, walked toward him and asked him if he had any candy.

Corey, wearing a Michael Vick football jersey for a costume, said he did, and the male grabbed a pillow case full of candy.

Is there any way we can send donations of cash or candy to Corey Sweeney in Pewaukee? I propose taking up a collection, to make sure he gets 10 times the candy that punk stole from him.

Oh, and by the way - another guy got shot in the head in Milwaukee today.

Bad Word Choice

2006-10-30T23:07:00.000-06:00

In a press release today, State Senate candidate John Lehman vows to go after "corporate tax dodgers."

Seriously, is the word "dodger" really a phrase Lehman thinks he should be using?

Is Radio "Public" if Nobody Listens?

2006-10-30T22:25:00.000-06:00

Both Charlie Sykes and Patrick McIlheran have commented on WPR talk show host Ben Merens' column this weekend in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, but I thought I'd add an observation. In the piece, Merens argues that somehow debate doesn't actually take place during election seasons, and his show is the only one that talks about the issues, blah, blah, blah.

I suspect Merens' frustration stems, in part, from this interview he conducted with gubernatorial candidate Mark Green. Listen to Merens as he plays the role of Doyle campaign spokesman, peppering Green with follow-up questions that are either not relevant, or show a misunderstanding of the issue they are discussing. Observe as he can't totally grasp the idea of spending more money in schoolrooms rather than on school administration - you could pull a guy off a barstool at three in the afternoon, and he'd get how it works.

Of course, all the callers are likely university professors sitting at home with the munchies, so Green wasn't getting a fair shake to begin with. But you can hear Merens' voice drip with exasperation when Green gives answers that actually don't make him sound like he wants to burn down hospitals for dyslexic puppies. Merens badgers Green to come up with programs he would cut to balance the budget. If I were Green, I would have simply said "I'd start with this radio show."

There is a larger point here, too, that Patrick touches on. Public radio exists solely because nobody listens to it. If people did listen to it, it wouldn't need tax money to survive. Imagine the conceit inherent in the decision to provide public broadcasting: you have a product that can't sustain itself on its own, but you think it is so important, you feel you have to use public money to keep it on life support. The ideas are just so good, that people have to be able to listen to them - even though nobody really wants to.

I am certainly opinionated, but I don't for a second think any of my ideas are so profound that they deserve public funding. I, of course, think conservative ideas are mostly pretty good. But it wouldn't in my wildest dreams occur to me that somehow public tax dollars should support a conservative radio station, in the event stations like WTMJ and WISN weren't available.

(Dork Alert) And if we are willing to throw around public money for things only a few people listen to, then I may be one step closer to my dream of a radio show featuring Jennifer Connelly reading passages from H.L. Mencken. That might be my giant bag of popcorn equivalent.

The "People Who Should Hate Me" List

2006-10-29T23:15:00.000-06:00

In the event that I ever do drop the whole lame anonymity schtick, I've been trying to keep tabs on people that are likely to burn my house down when they find out who I am. And most of them probably have a point.

Anyway, looking back through some old posts, these are people who may justifiably hate my guts:

1. Mike McCabe*
2. Neil Heinen*
3. Dave Magnum*
4. Paul Barrows*
5. John Nichols*
6. Ahmad Carroll*
7. Reverend Sue Moline Larson*
8. Vanilla Ice*

(* denotes that I don't care)

I may be leaving people out, but there are a lot of people that I joke about toward which I don't really harbor any ill will. If anyone else wants to be added to this list, feel free to nominate yourself in the comments section.

Oh, and my wife Weezie wants to do a "Counterpoint" column arguing that I'm too hard on Neil Heinen. I figure it's probably enough that I just mention it here.

You Know You're a Parent When...

2006-10-29T22:52:00.000-06:00

You know you're officially a parent when you look at the Wiggles website and swear out loud when you find out they're not bringing their live show anywhere near your hometown.

I am now going to put my head in the oven.

Ain't That America

2006-10-29T22:41:00.000-06:00

I was going to comment on the ubiquitous John Mellencamp Chevy commercials that feature Rosa Parks, Hurrican Katrina, and 9/11 images to sell trucks, but Bill Simmons at ESPN.com summed it up nicely:

That reminds me, we didn't get a breakout promo for a new Fox show this month (although "Justice" feels like it's about to break into an SNL sketch at any time), but after everything's said and done, we'll remember these playoffs for four haunting words: "This is our ... country." We couldn't get away from the song all month in the Chevy ads, and about 109 days after it had become completely intolerable -- seriously, what does Katrina footage have to do with me wanting to buy a Chevy? -- they made us wait over a minute before Game 2's pregame performance, which would have been the most horrifying moment of the playoffs if not for Bob Seger's teeth on HDTV. I made a joke in a previous column about how John Mellencamp was gunning to replace Seger as the sellout rock artist of his generation, but this has taken on a life of its own.

In fact, I even spent a few minutes on his Web site recently hoping to find SOME explanation, even if it was something like, "Guys, I'm sorry, I'm going through a bad divorce, my wife took everything, it was either do these Chevy ads or declare for bankruptcy." But here was his actual take on the song, courtesy this weekend of the Detroit Free-Press, which reported that a message on his Web site said: "I wrote this song to tell a story about some of the challenges our country faces and how our beliefs and ideals can help us meet them, a message of hope and tolerance. It's a song that is all about standing up for the working people who are the backbone of our nation."

Here's how that same message reads on his Web site right now:

"About a year ago, I wrote this song to tell a story about some of the challenges our country faces and how our beliefs and ideals can help us meet them. This partnership with Chevy -- an American company that is creating jobs and supporting our communities -- makes perfect sense for a song that is all about standing up for the working people who are the backbone of our nation."

Hmmmm ... Quote No. 1 sure reads differently than Quote No. 2! But let's assume that he meant everything he said in Quote No. 2, and that he's not just shilling this song to make money and promote his new album that comes out in four months. And let's factor in his outspoken views against the war in Iraq and our own government over the past few years (explained in this open letter). What does any of this have to do with a Chevy Silverado?
He can't possibly expect us to believe the "partnership with an American company" angle, right? So was he thinking, "I'm not getting my political message across, maybe I'll do it secretly through a Chevy ad?" Does he have a master plan to use these never-ending ads to increase his visibility, then use that visibility to take more shots at the government? Or am I putting way too much thought into this subject because they won't stop showing the ads and they're beginning to drive me crazy?

And in his most recent column:

On an unrelated note, I thoroughly enjoyed this e-mail from George in Chicago: "What is your problem with the 'This is Our Country' Chevy truck ads? Whoever thought that Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, the Vietnam War, Watergate, western wildfires, Hurricane Katrina, and 9/11 should be bunched together to sell a truck is a genius! When Chevy opens a new ad campaign for the Malibu, they should use the same song with a montage of the AIDS crisis, the Rodney King beating, Kurt Cobain's suicide, the O.J. trial, the Oklahoma City bombing, the Columbine massacre, and the Abu Ghraib prison photos. You're telling me you wouldn't want to buy a Malibu after seeing that?"

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: Courtney Love sold her share of the Nirvana music rights for $50 million. If you happen to take part in a Death Pool, Courtney Love with $50 million in her pocket is about as solid of a lock as there is. Add her to your list before it's too late.

Green for Governor

2006-10-29T16:39:00.000-06:00

Free Harold Ford

2006-10-26T07:28:00.000-05:00

The national Republican Party is sending out an e-mail to bloggers that rips Tennessee U.S. Senate candidate Harold Ford. Only problem is, it shows that he's awesome.

From the e-mail:

After denying he attended a playboy party numerous times, Harold Ford has finally decided to come clean, explaining “I like football and I like girls.”

You can see video here.

Now wait a minute - this is supposed to make him look bad? Of course, the charge is that he previously lied about attending the party, which I guess isn't great. I'm confused about why he would feel the need to deny it in the first place. What I can guarantee is that Ford is about to receive a large special interest donation from the Tennessee Association of Blind Guys with Hairy Palms.

When they introduce another campaign finance reform bill at the federal level, I propose it contain a provision allowing candidates to lie at least once about whether they like naked women. And someone might want to check into Mark Foley's claims that he never attended a boy scout jamboree.

The RNC is running a TV ad against Ford accusing him of cavorting with playmates and accepting money from porn producers. As I've argued before, there's nothing wrong with accepting money from purveyors of porn - they have First Amendment rights, too. The only problem would occur when Ford introduces the "Give It To Me Harder Act of 2007" as a reward.

I might have to run down to Tennessee and cast my vote for Ford. Do you need a photo ID down there?