Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Now That's Entertainment

Big thanks to Nick Schweitzer for pointing this great blog out:

JOE MATHLETE EXPLAINS TODAY'S MARMADUKE (In 500 words or less)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Bring Me Your Tired, Your Weak, Your Gay

All of the great philanthropists have found a cause to champion, and I plan to be no different. Mother Theresa will be a saint one day because of her work with the poverty stricken children of Calcutta. Andrew Carnegie donated money to build 2,500 public libraries (where I can now check out "Jackass: The Movie" for free). Marion Barry personally worked day and night to rid the streets of crack cocaine and hookers (by keeping them all in his hotel room).

You may ask to which particular group I have suddenly become sympathetic. It's a group of hopeless, downtrodden individuals that have little chance of success in life. I am talking, of course, about ugly gay people.

Think about it in terms of pure numbers - if you're a homely heterosexual, there is still a pretty darn good chance you are going to find someone with standards as low as yours. The nation is your oyster - there are about 150 million members of the opposite sex waiting for you. Even if you're as ugly as I am, at least 1/3 of those women are desperate and/or tattooed enough to date you. That's 50 million chances for you to trick some woman into a relationship. I think my wife still believes I'm the fat kid from "The Goonies." (Don't blow it for me, okay?)

Even if you have trouble finding straight love in America, you can take your act overseas and open up whole new markets. Surely, there's some lovely Ukrainian woman willing to put up with you long enough to get a plane ticket to the states. If that doesn't work, just tell them you play for the Denver Broncos - what the hell do they know?

For gay people, though, it's a whole different ball game. If you accept that maybe 5% of society is gay, that excludes 95% of potential relationship material. So if you happen to be fat or ugly, your chances of finding your soul mate are significantly reduced, because your dating pool is so much smaller.

Even if you're good looking in a gay friendly city like Madison it has to be hard to find potential partners. First of all, it has to be daunting to introduce yourself to some dude when you aren't even completely sure if he's on the level. Doing so could blow your cover and cause some embarrassing situations. You could solely frequent gay bars, but I imagine you'd end up hanging out with pretty much the same crowd regularly. I also imagine competition for a good looking partner is pretty fierce, since there are fewer to choose from.

But imagine growing up ugly and gay in Beaver Dam, for instance. In smaller cities, it's conceivable that you could be rejected by all your potential lovers in the span of a week. Even if you were thin and attractive, you'd have a better chance of being hit by a Boeing 737 while jumping on a trampoline than finding a same-sex partner. If you're ugly, the gayest your Friday night is going to get is by gazing at Tom Selleck's mustache on "Magnum P.I." re-runs at home by yourself.

This isn't to say, of course, that gays look solely at appearance when choosing their partners. Thankfully for straight people that look like me, we can be talented at other things that trick women into thinking we're worthwhile. We can be rich, join a band, play sports, pretend we care about the poor, grow our hair long, or whatever (I am particularly talented at determining whether someone has a mustache or not - call it "Stache-Dar.")

I'm sure the same is true for gays looking for love, but I have no idea what tricks work best. Being in a band seems to be a good one (hell, I might even take a crack at R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe if given a shot), but otherwise, I have no idea. But whatever "inner you" you intend to unleash on a potential partner, you're chances of finding someone willing to take a chance on you is significantly less than if you were straight. Even reasonably ugly straight people are occasionally able to find time to preserve the sanctity of the traditional one night stand.

So cheer up, fat and ugly gay people. I have recognized your conundrum, and plan to push for a telethon to raise money for your cause.

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: Brad Pitt is a genius, and I apologize for underestimating him all these years. As you may have seen, he has vowed not to marry Angelina Jolie until "everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."

This is an inspired work of genius. Every man around the country who is being nagged by their girlfriend to get married can now just say they are taking a principled stand on an important cultural issue.

Girlfriend: "When are you going to propose to me?"

Boyfriend (half asleep, face down on couch): "Yeah, I'm uh... like, taking a stand in favor of gay marriage or something. We must remain vigilant, despite the long odds. Solidarity, sister."

Girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't know you were so political."

Boyfriend: (farts)

Monday, September 25, 2006

92% Pure Baloney

Back in August, the Doyle for Governor campaign unveiled an ad they called "Stands," which attempts to tie Mark Green to President Bush. The ad tries to set the world record by saying the words "Bush" and "Green" together 178 times in 30 seconds. One wonders why they don't just go the distance and include an interview with the owner of the Greenbush Restaurant on Regent street here in Madison.

One of the things they apparently believe "ties" Green to Bush is the fact that Green "stood with the President 92 percent of the time." First of all, nobody knows what the hell that actually means, since the citation they provide in the ad (Congressional Observer, Mark Green votes 2001-2006) doesn't say anything. They could have pulled this number from thin air, for all anyone knows. The perpetually hyperbolic Anson Kaye goes so far as to say that "Green has rubberstamped President Bush's failed special interest agenda 92 percent ofthe time."

As anyone who has taken a 5th grade government class knows, congressmen can't "stand with the President," or "rubberstamp" anything the President does, since any legislative action the President takes is after Congress has dealt with a bill. The President doesn't introduce bills or write new laws - he merely signs or vetoes legislation that passes the House and Senate.

My guess is that Green probably voted for 92% of the bills that President Bush signed into law. This isn't surprising, since bills that make it through the entire legislative process are generally bipartisan bills with broad support. I'd bet if you looked at Green's voting record for the two years Bill Clinton was in office, it would be up in that range, too. If Clinton signed a bill, Green probably voted for it in the GOP-controlled house. Does that mean Green was "standing with Clinton," or was a "Clinton rubberstamp?"

Think about using this same logic on the state level. I could gather a list of all the bills Jim Doyle has signed into law, and compile a list of legislators who "stood with" Doyle on those bills. Any idea which legislators are going to be up in the 90% range in terms of "standing with Doyle?" That's right - Republicans. Since Republicans hold both state houses, and most Republicans vote for bills that pass, there will be a strong correlation between Doyle and the GOP, if that's the way I wanted to cook the numbers.

Let's say a bill is introduced in the Wisconsin Assembly. The bill passes the Assembly and Senate on a party line vote, and goes to Doyle, who signs it. Is it fair to say GOP Senator Smith "rubberstamped Doyle's agenda" in supporting the bill? Of course not - Doyle had nothing to do with the bill until it got to his desk.

The mere fact that Doyle's ties between Bush and Green are so thin that he has to concoct numbers out of thin air like this speaks to the desperation of his campaign operation. Of course, the big papers are busy covering important issues like whether Mark Green uses actors in his commercials, so I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for any explanation of this ridiculous ad.

IRONIC SIDE NOTE: The new Greater Wisconsin Committee ad is premised on the goofy "Mark Green hired actors" line, when the commercial voice-over is performed by - you guessed it - an actor.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Ghost of Dave Magnum's Wife Files for Divorce

Madison (AP) - Citing extraordinary public humiliation, the Ghost of Congressional Candidate Dave Magnum's wife today filed for divorce in hopes that he discontinues mentioning her in his campaign ads. "All I wanted to do was die with dignity, and not become a political talking point after my death," she said.

Magnum, who uncomfortably made staring at a photo of his deceased wife a central part of his failed 2004 run against Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin, has exhumed the same strategy for his 2006 campaign. In his television ads, Magnum claims that his late wife told him to run for Congress before her death. Unfortunately, a recent poll shows that exactly 0% of voters list "fulfilling the wishes of a dead wife," as a quality they most look for in a congressman. Magnum's wife also said her dying wishes also included requests for him to show some humility and for him not to use her two sons as political pawns. Both requests have not yet been granted.

In his most recent television ad, Magnum cites his support for stem cell research by once again invoking the memory of his late wife. In doing so, he claims that he will be willing to "break the party line" on stem cell research to help find cures. Apparently, Magnum has received a copy of the top-secret Republican "partisan soldier" talking points on stem cell research, and has vowed to boldly snub them. In taking this strong stance, he draws a clear distinction between himself and incumbent Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin, who... also... supports... embryonic stem cell research, only... much more so.

"Dave Magnum is absolutely right on stem cell research," said Republican Congressman Mark Souder of Indiana. "No Republicans actually legitimately care about the sanctity of life or the moral consequences of creating life only to destroy it - we just oppose embryonic research because Denny Hastert throws a kick ass ice cream social at the beginning of session," said Souder. Magnum is hopeful that his latest attempt to throw legitimate opponents of embryonic stem cell research under the bus is enough to move his vote total from 36% up to 37% in the November election.

Magnum said he hopes stem cells are able to bring his wife back in time for them to go catch "Jackass Number Two" before it's out of the theaters.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Booger Patrol!

The Nose Knows
September 13, 2006 - 9:31AM

Police in Ashland (Oregon) recently got help cracking a case of bank robbery from an unlikely clue. The Rogue Federal Credit Union was held up in March when a man walked in, demanded cash, then got away. Witnesses told police it sounded like the robber had a cold and apparently he did. Police found a booger at the bank. Months later when authorities caught up with 50-year old Randy Seitzinger, they took a DNA sample from him, and it turns out that it matched the nose mucus left at the bank after the robbery.

Seitzinger is currently at the Coffee Creek Correctional Facility in Wilsonville.

Until now, the cops really BLEW that case. I mean, itSNOT like we're dealing with professionals, here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!

WHEW!!!!!

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!

OH, MY!!!!

HEH.

OOOOH, MY SIDE.

(COUGH)

(WEEZE)

Someone call 911....

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Nobody Knows "Illegal Activity" Like Progressive Majority Wisconsin

Every election cycle, we have shady third party groups crawl out from under a rock, smear candidates that they oppose, and slink away until the next campaign cycle. This phenomenon is nothing new, and it's happening here in Wisconsin in 2006.

One example during this election cycle, however, is far more interesting than the rest. Progressive Majority Wisconsin is an unregulated independent group working to overcome large Republican majorities in both houses of the State Legislature. In doing so, they attempt to smear Republican candidates through their website and puerile blog. If a false charge doesn't stick, they just move on until one does.

For instance, Progressive Majority is pushing a bogus charge of "illegal activity" against Racine County Executive Bill McReynolds, who is looking to replace retiring Republican Cathy Stepp in the 21st Senate District. A few years ago, when he served as Racine County Sheriff, McReynolds set out to find a better deal on squad car bumpers for Racine taxpayers. He bought into a California company that sold such bumpers, and made all the required ethics statements and filings. As it turned out, it was too good of a deal for taxpayers, so the company went belly up and McReynolds lost his initial investment.

Now, years later, there's been a bogus complaint alleging illegal activity filed, based on info dug up by Progressive Majority. McReynolds has already been cleared by the Racine County corporation counsel, and of course nothing will ever come of the complaint - it was filed solely so they could say McReynolds was "under investigation" or some such nonsense.

The real irony here is that Progressive Majority Wisconsin is run by Doug Burnett, who was convicted in perhaps the largest corruption scandal in state history. You may recall Burnett as Chuck Chvala's Chief of Staff for eight years (a fact he conveniently leaves out in his website bio) during the years Chvala was extorting money from lobbyists, laundering money through groups like Burnett runs now, filing false campaign finance reports, and on and on.

While Burnett was charged with two campaign finance violations (he plead guilty to one), one wonders what his charge would have been had he not been so willing to squeal like a pig when asked to drop the dime on Chvala. The official complaint against Chvala paints Burnett as his bag man, and the architect of much of the criminal activity alleged (I'll run a couple of "Burnett's Greatest Hits from the complaint at the end of this post). Burnett's name appears 180 times in the 69 page criminal complaint.

So what we have here is a shady independent group alleging bogus illegal activity from an elected official, while the leader of that group has been convicted of running an illegal shady independent group. The hypocrisy truly makes one's head spin. The fact that this is the best the Democrats could do to come up with someone to smear Republicans doesn't speak well of their effort.

Let's take a trip back in the time machine to the Chvala complaint and learn how Burnett became so acquainted with the ins and outs of the criminal justice system, shall we?

48. Mr. Bright indicated that he had a similar experience with the defendant’s chief of Staff, Mr. Burnett. Mr. Bright stated that he was retained by Midwest Express Airlines to attempt to change that law on how airplanes stored in the state of Wisconsin were taxed. During his lobbying efforts on the tax provision Mr. Bright met several times with the defendant. The provision had been supported by the Assembly, but was having trouble getting through the Senate. During these meetings, the defendant continually told Mr. Bright that he had no relationship with Midwest Express. Mr. Bright believed that what the defendant meant was that Midwest Express had not made campaign contributions to the defendant or other Democratic
Senators.


49. Mr. Bright said this conclusion was strengthened by a meeting that he had with Mr. Burnett to discuss the issue. Mr. Bright indicated that within the Capitol it is well known that the defendant works very closely with Mr. Burnett and talking to Mr. Burnett is the same as talking to the defendant. Mr. Burnett indicated that there was opposition to the bill from smaller airports and that was delaying the bill. Mr. Bright corrected him, pointing out that a compromise had been reached on that issue. Mr. Burnett then told him that Midwest Express needed to make a $10,000 contribution. Mr. Bright told Mr. Burnett that the airline couldn’t do that and that the request was inappropriate. Mr. Burnett told Mr. Bright that he was not doing his job and would have to help Midwest Express understand that they had to be a part of the political process. Mr. Burnett then turned red and insisted that the demand was not a quid pro quo. Your complaining witness states that Mr. Burnett appeared before the John Doe and acknowledged making the request for a $10,000 campaign contribution during a discussion of the Midwest Express tax issue, but insisted that this was not a quid pro quo.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ms. Richard stated that in 1998 the main democratic independent expenditure group used by the defendant as run by an individual named Tom Boeder. She stated that Tom Boeder was placed in this position because he was a close friend of the defendant’s chief of staff, Mr. Burnett. It was her belief that Mr. Burnett was giving Boeder information regarding campaigns and, therefore, she did not want to have anything to do with Mr. Burnett. She stated that she believed that Mr. Burnett was giving Boeder information because Mr. Burnett was very involved with the campaigns and kept a close eye on what was happening. Mr. Burnett would regularly ask her for detailed information on the candidates and for campaign brochures. The types of details he was asking for were things that would not be necessary for him to know if he was simply overseeing the campaign. She stated that Mr. Burnett had access to all of the Senate Democratic Caucus polling information.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Complainant was present when Scott McCormick testified before a John Doe hearing in Dane County Case No. 01-JD-6. Mr. McCormick stated as follows. Both Tom Boeder and Mr. Burnett asked Mr. McCormick to assist with Independent Citizens for Democracy (PAC). Mr. Burnett indicated Independent Citizens for Democracy (PAC) would work to elect Democrats to the Wisconsin State Senate. Mr. Burnett and Mr. McCormick agreed that Mr. McCormick would serve as a figurehead treasurer on behalf of the organization. Mr. McCormick knows Mr. Burnett serves as chief of staff for the defendant's legislative office.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the acknowledgement of Burnett's light charges (p. 62), given his willingness to rat on Chvala:

234. Milwaukee County Assistant District Attorneys David Feiss and Kurt Benkley have advised complainant as follows. In their capacity as Special Prosecutors for Dane County, and acting on behalf of the State of Wisconsin, they have reached an agreement with Douglas Burnett to cooperate with the investigation and prosecution of the matters set forth in this criminal complaint. Under this agreement, Mr. Burnett must honestly reveal any and all information he possesses relevant to the present investigation and prosecution. He has further agreed to testify truthfully to such matters in any prosecution brought by the State of Wisconsin. In exchange for his cooperation, the State of Wisconsin has agreed to limit the charges against Mr. Burnett to two misdemeanors for unlawful coordinated campaigning with the understanding that Mr. Burnett shall plead guilty to those offenses.

Thanks to Fred at RealDebate Wisconsin, who has also been covering this topic.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Elections Board Orders Doyle to Give Up the Funk

Chocolate City (AP) - The newly appointed State Elections Board today ordered Governor Jim Doyle to return a large portion of funk it believed he had obtained illegally. The Board ruled that Doyle had ten days to return his campaign's last six months' worth of uncut interplanetary funk.

"Doyle really funked this one up," said Board spokesman Sir Nose. "He's been doing it to taxpayers in their earhole for too long," he said. Nose said that Doyle would be barred from shinin' on the funk until he complied with the Board's orders to their complete satisfunktion.

The Board determined that in 2003, Doyle contracted with the legendary Dr. Funkenstein for the lucrative State of Wisconsin funk contract, in exchange for six month supply of bootylicious grooves for the Doyle campaign. Under the contract, Funkenstein was obligated to write a new Wisconsin State Song. Investigators became suspicious when the song, "Nuclear Booty," was first unveiled at the memorial service for former Senator Gaylord Nelson. "We knew something was wrong when we saw Herb Kohl doing the worm in the aisle," said lead investigator Bootsy Collins.

The previous Elections Board was ousted in the wake of a truly shocking scandal that cuts to the very heart of state governance - the fact that gubernatorial candidate Mark Green actually used actors in one of his campaign commercials. "With scandals like that happening under the nose of the previous Elections Board, major action had to be taken," said Bootsy.

Doyle, speaking via video conference from inside the Mothership, denied all wrongdoing. Doyle deflected corruption questions, instead talking about all the promise embryonic stem cells have shown in helping terminally white people improve their rhythm.

Monday, September 18, 2006

My Sunday Lambeau Sojourn

Last week, my buddy Gooch called me to tell me he had an extra ticket to the Packer game for me this weekend. We used to go to at least one game per year together starting about a decade ago, but he’s moved out of state, so it’s been a while.

He didn’t have a car, so I had to drive from Madison to Milwaukee to pick him up, then up to Green Bay. Seeing as how it was a noon game, I got up early, fired up for the day ahead.

I woke up at 5:45 and slinked out of the house, careful not to wake anybody. When I hit the road, I stopped for gas and breakfast. The woman in the gas station asked me if I was going to the Packer game, seeing that I was decked out in my gear. I told her I was. “I’m a Bear fan,” she chuckled, then added, “but I hope the Packers win.” This not only made her a bad liar, but may have been the first time that I had actually been shown pity by a toothless woman working the 6 AM Sunday shift at a Kwik Trip.

Back on the road, I drive by three dead raccoons on I-94, all side by side. I wonder if they all formed some kind of suicide pact. There were probably four of them, and one raccoon said, “okay, let’s all run into the road on three,” then chickened out.

As I get to Waukesha County, a highway patrol car pulls out right in front of me and flips on its lights. I see it pull over, but there’s no car there. Instead, there’s a disoriented man standing on the shoulder that looks like he’s going to wander out onto the highway. Probably another Bear fan wanting to wish me well on my trip.

I get to downtown Milwaukee, and need to head north on I-43, which seems like a challenge, given the sea of orange construction signs. With summer road construction in Milwaukee, you’re just as likely to plunge off a 50 foot cliff than actually get where you need to be on time.

I acquire Gooch at 8 AM, and we begin the drive up to Green Bay. On the drive, he tells me that he’s considering ordering a mail order bride from a former Soviet country. I told him that if I were a Ukrainian woman and my choices were to be ethnically cleansed or pick up his dirty socks, it really was a toss up.

Gooch is a big time gambler, known around the U.S. for his 72 hour power weekends in Vegas where he’d be too cheap to get a hotel room, instead sleeping in the casino bathrooms. He recounted one time where he went into a stall to take a nap, and actually pulled his pants down around his ankles to sell the story. It didn’t work, as he had a security guard kicking his feet when he woke up. He casually mentions that after the Rose Bowl this year, he bet $100 in Vegas that neither Reggie Bush, nor Matt Leinart, nor Vince Young would be the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. Of course, it was Mario Williams, and he won $10,000, seeing as he was getting 100-to-1 odds. He also mentions that he won $3,000 on some African soccer tournament that he picked Zimbabwe to win. Crazy.

We chat about my uncle with down syndrome that is cheating death at his advanced age. It’s a miracle that at his weight and age (45), that his heart has held up, since people with down syndrome are prone to heart conditions. “You could get some pretty good odds if you threw him in a parlay,” says Gooch.

Every other time we had been to Lambeau, we had taken U.S. Highway 41 up from Milwaukee, but today we took I-43. I told him I wasn’t sure how to get to the stadium from 43, and he said he thought we had to go over some big bridge or something. It occurred to me after we crossed the bridge that we had gone too far, but I could see the stadium. It was only 9:45, so I told him I thought I could get us to Lambeau by gametime. “If you can’t get us there by noon, then I think I can deem you an honorary Polack,” said Gooch (he’s Polish, so he can make those jokes. I think that’s how it works).

We drive through city streets to make our way to Lambeau, just kind of eyeballing where we are versus where the stadium is. We’re held up temporarily, however, by an old man with a walker. I tell Gooch to get out and ask the guy if he can give the Packers a few snaps at left guard today – they may need him.

We finally park on a side street, eschewing numerous offers to pay $10 to park on someone’s lawn. I think we parked near Oneida and Raleigh. As we walked towards the stadium, I saw a woman wearing a Samkon Gado jersey. Thus began the most fun part of Packer games – spotting the most ridiculous jersey. We’re not even to the stadium yet, and we may have a winner.

We get right up next to the stadium, and see an SUV pull up into one of the lawn spots going for $25. I tell Gooch that there’s a 100% chance that a woman is driving that car, since no seasoned male Packer fan would ever pay $25 to park, when two blocks away, you can park for free-ninety nine. Sure enough, it was two young women who probably special ordered their Packer gear from Banana Republic. Newbies.

We immediately made our way to a port-a-potty, since my bladder was about to explode. In line, we discuss what the statute of limitations for wearing the jersey of an ex-Packer is, after spotting a Vonnie Holliday jersey. We decide on three years, unless it’s a legendary Packer. I argue that Tony Mandarich is legendary.

As I look down the row of port-a-potties, I remark that it must be an intrinsic human trait people have that tells them exactly how far away you have to stand from the door of the urinal while you’re waiting in line. I don’t believe that anyone has ever written a law on this, but for some reason, everyone just seems to know naturally that you stand between 10 and 12 feet away from the door while someone is in there. People are just born with this knowledge - like fear of snakes.

Gooch wants to go to some official Packer tailgate where you pay $25 for all the food and drink you want. We make our way over there, pay and get in. When you walk in, you’re standing right next to a DJ stand, where he’s blaring lame 80’s music like “Mony, Mony,” and “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” and yelling along in a microphone. As Gooch gets a beer, I take a moment to contemplate what would be worse: Listening to this DJ for an hour, or a compound skull fracture. I conclude that the DJ is only slightly less painful, but I at least want my theory tested on monkeys. I decide drinking will just make me tired and irritable, so I stick to Orange Crush.

To get away from the music, we go inside, where it happens that Fuzzy Thurston and Antonio Freeman are signing autographs. Fuzzy is selling copies of his book for $40, which I believe was his annual salary with the Packers. I’ve always been a Freeman fan, so I measure up the odds of being able to talk to him. I hang back, waiting for my chance, thinking about what I’m going to say. But then one of the event organizers whisks him away to the DJ booth where he conducts a raffle drawing, then disappears. I am kicking myself for the rest of the day for not having the stones to go talk to “Free.”

Gooch, on the other hand, has had a couple beers, and seems to be harassing Fuzzy, asking him question after question. I though Fuzzy was going to file a restraining order against him. Granted, in college, I occasionally got drunk and woke up next to a girl that looked like Fuzzy Thurston, but I would never actually bother him in public. Keep in mind that Fuzzy now speaks through a hole in his throat, so he wasn’t exactly thrilled to be answering his series of questions. I finally took a picture of them together, which succeeded in getting Gooch to leave him alone.

On the way into the stadium, I am surprised by how many people already have A.J. Hawk jerseys. Green Bay fans are heavily invested in this guy already. Just an observation.

We get to our seats, and watch the pre-game contest where they fire footballs into the air at fans, who have no chance of catching them. This thing is obviously fixed – they give these people oversized helmets that cover their eyes, and they pick people that are less athletic than crippled nuns to do the catching. Of course, both contestants botch their chances, while Gooch boos them lustily, yelling, “that’s pathetic!”

As fans continue to file in, some guy walks in wearing a Vikings Darren Sharper jersey. This guy deserves whatever fans decide to do with him. I mean, the Vikings aren’t even playing, and to wear the jersey of an ex-Packer is excessively provocative. It would be like walking into an AA meeting wearing a Jim Beam t-shirt, just to get everyone worked up. Shame on them.

Game time is upon us, as the captains make their way to the middle of the field. I rhetorically ask what the hell Ahmad Carroll is doing out there with the team captains for the coin flip, then joke that that’ll be the closest he gets to a Saints player all afternoon.

Ex-Packer offensive lineman Frank Winters is also out there as the ceremonial coin-tosser, and he looks like sit-ups haven’t exactly been a regular part of his daily routine since his retirement. Gooch tells me that when the Packers cut Winters, he actually sat down and wrote Winters a heartfelt letter telling him how much his contributions meant to the Packers throughout the years. For a moment, I am actually legitimately touched. Of course, Winters never wrote back, so it’s unclear whether he ever got the letter. I told him to guarantee receipt of the letter, he should have sent it taped to the top of a box of Krispy Kremes.

The game gets off to a fast start, with the Packers getting points out of three first quarter turnovers, making the score 13-0. For the first score, Brett Favre throws a perfect touchdown pass to rookie receiver Greg Jennings, who catches it in the part of the end zone right in front of us. While most fans are excited about the Favre touchdown pass, I am especially happy to see the Dave Rayner Extra Point Era begin.

During each turnover and score, I happily high-five the guy in the Nick Barnett jersey in front of me. This is the beauty of sports – under no other condition would I probably ever meet this guy, yet we are almost in full embrace. If he ran out of the hospital, screaming because his AIDS test came up negative, it’s unlikely I would provide him with a high-five. Yet when Aaron Kampman knocks the ball out of Drew Brees’ hand and recovers the fumble, suddenly we share an unbreakable physical bond. Societal priorities, I guess.

It must be added that this guy had a really good looking girlfriend with him. This is only noteworthy because spotting a hot girl at a Packer game is like spotting a sasquatch. Get your camera out and try to snap a grainy photo, because nobody will believe it.

One thing I didn’t count on was how hot it was. I actually showed up wearing long sleeves, but changed into a t-shirt, since it seemed like 90 degrees outside. By the middle of the second quarter, the DNR showed up and declared my butt crack a protected wetland.

New Orleans scores a touchdown on a Deuce McAllister run, making it a 13-7 game. The Packers can’t seem to get anything going on offense. Then, with about a minute left in the half, the Saints are driving again. Following a pass play, Ahmad Carroll drops to the ground in pain, causing the Packers to take a time out. After laying on the ground like he had been shot for two minutes, Carroll gets up…and then…stays… in the… game. I immediately stood up and started yelling in disbelief. Let’s see, if you’re the Saints, and you know there’s a terrible corner staying in the game after being injured on the previous play, what would you do? I was yelling “THEY’RE THROWING TO CARROLL’S GUY!” over and over, but sadly, Mike McCarthy didn’t hear me.

Sure enough, with 56 seconds left in the half, Saints receiver Devery Henderson blew by Carroll and caught an easy touchdown pass. I didn’t see the TV broadcast, but I would have hoped that the commentators brought this up, since it was so obvious. 14-13, Saints at the half.

In the second half, the Packers took the ball right down the field, and got to the Saints 7 yard line, where they were poised to take the lead. It looked like Favre was hit as he threw, and the Saints intercepted the ball in the end zone. I put my head in my hands and looked at the ground, as a curse word softly rolled out of my mouth.

If you saw the game, you know the rest. Saints kick two more field goals to make it 20-13, and the Packers tie it up at 20 with a quick pass to Robert Ferguson. Saints receiver catches a bomb for a touchdown, Ahman Green fumbles deep in Saints territory, and the Packers’ D lays down like dogs while McAllister moonwalks into the end zone for a 23 yard touchdown run. I can’t really give you much detail on what happened here, since I had my head in my hands most of the time. I did, however, catch the pass interference call on Ahmad Carroll that kept one of those Saints drives going.

Aiding me in watching the game was the guy directly behind me, who clearly has no filter between the “brain” portion of his head and the “mouth” portion. I love guys like this who don’t know anything about football, but who are more than willing to prove it to everyone with their nonstop commentary, where they detail the most obvious on-field developments. While I was quietly dying inside, I was privileged enough to hear insightful tidbits like, “They’re playing terrible! The whole team needs to step it up! That was an awful play!” For FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS. Next time, I’m taking a tape recorder to document this guy. Then, when I suffocate him with a cheesy grillwurst, I can play the tape for the court and get off scot-free. No jury in America would convict me – that I guarantee.

At the end of the game, it didn’t look like the Packers had a clue what they were doing. Favre was just dropping back and firing balls as hard as he could, while receivers ran routes that they perhaps learned on the Madden 07 video game. In the end, they fell 34-27 and I don’t think I said a word on the way back to the car. The only second half highlight occurred when new Packer Koren Robinson fielded a kickoff and appeared to get in a fight after he was tackled. A guy a few rows back yelled “Find him in the parking lot later and run over him with your car!” Hey, it passed for comedy at the time.

In our quest to take an already bad day and make it a truly disastrous one, we decided to wait out some of the traffic at the Oneida casino. It’s been years since I’ve been in a casino, but this was part of our routine years ago, so I thought we’d give it a try. I played for about an hour and ended up winning $20. Not much, but when you consider that every $20 in tribal money that I walk out of that place with is one fewer commercial Jim Doyle can run on the Food Network, I felt better about it. Gooch, on the other hand, got on a hot streak and won $330, which he used to pay for dinner and gas on the way home.

It (appropriately) rained pretty much the whole way home. I stayed awake by listening to the Jim Noir CD, “Tower of Love.” I can’t put it in stronger terms – you must purchase this CD. If you don’t buy this disc, the terrorists have won. I’m pretty sure that in the dark, I also saw the fourth raccoon. I started thinking that after watching the Packers today, the other three might have had the right idea.

I dropped Gooch off and pulled into my garage at 9:48. I changed shirts and started typing a long and crazy post, to blow off steam. I really need an editor. Maybe Fuzzy's free.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

A Slammin' Debate

Yes, I sat home with the remaining four Wisconsinites with no lives and watched the gubernatorial debate. Overall, I thought it was pretty much a wash, although Doyle bungled a couple of answers and his demeanor was a little off-putting. When answering some questions, he looked as if his children had been kidnapped by the teachers' union and he had to give the right answer to spring them free. And focusing your closing statement on ethanol while you're in Waukesha County? That's like spraying yourself with voter repellent.

Green, on the other hand, looked like he was auditioning for a high school rendition of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Green is fantastic when looking into the camera and talking, but that's a lot different than being an actual actor (see his latest commercial for proof). I think he went over the top on a couple answers, but I thought that overall he did a better job of jabbing Doyle and innoculating himself against the Governor's shots.

Of course, both sides are going to say that their candidate won, as they do every time. I'm pretty tired of a charade, and thought of a better way we can do this to ACTUALLY figure out who won.

At the end of the debate, Frederica Freyberg hands out a WWF-style championship belt to the winner of the debate. That candidate then gets to wear the belt at all public functions until the next debate. For instance, after the belt was awarded to Green last night, he could hold it over his head while walking around the stage while the crowd applauded. Then, Doyle would run up behind him and hit him with a folding chair while the two candidates' wives started to pull each others' hair.

Doyle would then decide to be a villain and grow a dark beard, while wearing a Hulk-Hogan style black bandana to hide his baldness. At the next debate, everyone would boo him lustily as he pumped his fists in the air while telling them their property taxes aren't really that bad after all. At the next "We the People" forum, I demand that Stan Johnson of WEAC stands behind Doyle spreading out hundred dollar bills, a la "The Million Dollar Man" and Virgil (the greatest WWF prop to date).

And no, I'm not high. I think. I can't remember.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Drink Up!

I went to the Built to Spill show at the Barrymore last night, and managed to enjoy a few frosty beverages in the process. Needless to say, my head is kind of pounding this morning, so I would appreciate it if all my readers could keep it down a little bit.

The bright side of my hangover is this study from the Reason Foundation that shows that heavy drinkers earn more than non-drinkers. The accompanying press release says:

"Social drinking builds social capital," said Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University. "Social drinkers are networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their Blackberries that result in bigger paychecks."

The study finds that men who drink earn 10 percent more than abstainers and women drinkers earn 14 percent more than nondrinkers. However, unlike men, who get an additional income boost from drinking in bars, women who frequent bars at least once per month do not show higher earnings than women who do not visit bars.
I also think employees greatly respect the smell of hookers and urine on a co-worker. So since I rolled into work late with an ice pack on my head, I think now might be a perfect time to ask for a raise.

As for the concert? Not that anyone cares what I think, but it was unspeakably fantastic. There was some preposterous video montage in the middle that seemed to imply that George Bush is running secret concentration camps for eco-terrorists, or something. But other than that, it was one of the best shows I've seen in the past few years. It's refreshing to see guys that can get up and play their instruments without dancing around for effect or yammering in between songs - they're confident in their ability to rock my shorts off. And the 20 minute "Broken Windows" encore was apocalyptic.

For those that aren't familiar with Built to Spill, here's a video for their song "Conventional Wisdom."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Old Hippie Hated America Way Before it Was Cool

Madison (AP) - Local elderly hippie Alastair "Cornbread" Birchwood today denounced youth activist culture, saying today's kids pale in comparison to the counter-culturalists of his youth. "Today's anti-war demonstrators think they can wear a pair of birks and smoke a little dry mexi-weed and be real 'activists,'" said Cornbread. "We were bombing buildings and throwing rocks at cops - kids today think they can change the world by writing 'Bush Sucks' in chalk on the Library Mall sidewalk," he said.

"Our kids are dying overseas, and today's supposed 'activists' are working at the Gap, hoping to save up enough money for a Dave Matthews show," Cornbread complained. They don't show the true, vitriolic hatred of America that our Constitution protects, and I am saying that completely without a hint of irony," he said. "Anti-War activism is a tough job - even harder than being the guy who types the closed-captions for 'Flavor of Love,'" Cornbread added.

"The Bushitler military industrial complex has led us into an unjust war that...

...wait, what was I saying?" Birchwood remarked.

"We were proof that a small group of people could make real global change," said Birchwood. Indeed, studies have shown that global patchouli levels increased by 38% between 1967 and 1973. "I remember the Summer of Love - and nothing says 'LOVE' more than doing a near-lethal amount of drugs and having sex with multiple people that you'll never remember or ever see again," he said.

"We were proof that you can do a lot of drugs, have a lot of meaningless sex, rebel against authority and still be successful," said Birchwood, sitting alone on a mattress on the floor in his empty apartment. He denies that his impotence may be the result of a lifetime of drug use, instead insisting that it is most likely Dick Cheney's fault.

Today, Cornbread sticks it to the man by placing orange flags at unmarked City of Madison intersections and by refusing to buy any product produced by "big deodorant." He enjoys hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake State Park, while thinking about different ways that America is a totalitarian state.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

"Peg on Line One"

Interesting that Peg Lautenschlager blew the doors off of Kathleen Falk in Dane County (60%-40%), yet is going to lose the statewide vote (if things hold up). With so many Dem votes in Dane County, that shows a pretty stark disconnect between Dane County liberals and the rest of the state. Of course, what's newsworthy about that?

I'm interested, however, in what the fallout for Jim Doyle will be after tonight's result. You may recall that the Falk candidacy is a Jim Doyle & Co. Production, and it cost the sitting Attorney General her job. Keep in mind, also, that the Doyle Administration is still in the thick of several criminal investigations. I would imagine that Lautenschlager now could absolutely tear the bark off of Doyle if she wanted to.

SECRETARY: "Um, Mr. Governor, it's Peg on line one. She said she wanted to come over and look through some file cabinets."

DOYLE: "Tell her that we lost the file cabinet key for approximately 55 days."

The lefties would love it, since they're no friends of Doyle, and she'd emerge the champion of open government in the state. Her legacy would be one of a clean government advocate, unfairly stripped of her job by a corrupt governor. The people that live in smoke filled Volkswagen vans and attend Fighting Bob Fest would love her.

UPDATE: Another fun fact - 47,673 people voted in the Democratic Attorney General primary in Dane County, while 9,806 voted in the Republican AG Primary. When you consider that about 350-380,000 total votes will be cast in the Dem Primary (my estimate, as of midnight), that means between 13% and 14% of the total Dem vote will be from Dane County - where Lautenschlager won by 20%. People smarter than I are going to have to pick over this one for a while, but I think that's fascinating. Falk gets hammered where she's best known, yet cleans up in areas where you would think the incumbent would have the advantage.

In more notable news, Cap'n Crunch was narrowly defeated by Dora the Explorer in his effort to head up the York household. Crunch was damaged by allegations that his cereal was not an essential source of 12 vitamins and minerals when part of a balanced breakfast. Also, it was reported that Crunch never served in Vietnam and was never awarded the rank of "Cap'n."

BEER #3 SUPER SECRET UPDATE: Since this is becoming a Primary Über-post, I thought I should take some time to pat myself on the back for my prediction in July of 2005 that Falk would win (although I thought it would be by a much larger margin). In that same post, I listed State Representative Jason Fields as an up-and coming Democrat, and he serendipitously rewarded me today with this illustrious Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel column.

Vote Crunch '06

This morning, my daughter got excited when I told her I was going to take her to vote. Then again, she gets excited about pretty much anything with flashing lights.

But then she asked me what voting was, and it dawned on me that it's really hard to explain. I stumbled around and said something like "it's where we go pick the people that we want to be able to tell us what to do." But then I realized, I'm the one that tells her what to do. (And my wife is the one who tells me what to do, so we have our own little family government set up.) So given the chance, she would probably vote us out of office in favor of someone she favored more.

So there's an 80% chance that when I come home from work today, I will have been replaced by Cap'n Crunch.

So get out and vote today - for Crunch '06.

Monday, September 11, 2006

"Last Kiss" Trailer

I'm on an atrocious run of recommending upcoming movies here on the blog (Nacho Libre anyone?), but some of you may remember a movie called "Last Kiss" that was filmed here in Madison a while back. Well, it's almost out, and here's the trailer:



Looks pretty girly, but decent nonetheless. And just by seeing the trailer, I can already tell you that whatever subplot the mother is involved with is completely superfluous. I suppose they need a parallel plot of old people to show the main character what the lasting consequences of his decisions will be and all that, but I can probably do without it.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

How Did the Packers Get Here?

I'm still numb from the ass-kicking the Packers received this afternoon. Even though it was pretty easy to see it coming, it's still hard to take.

In order to make sense of it all, I arose from my fetal position and decided to investigate how things really got this bad. I started looking at drafts from the past 3 years, to see what exactly the Packers have been doing to build their team. As you can see, not much. Here are the drafts from 2003-2005, with the players currently on the active roster in green. I left out the 2006 Draft, since the jury's still out on a lot of those guys - they haven't proven that they can't play - yet.

2003 Draft

Round/Name/School

1 Nick Barnett Oregon State
2 None
3 Kenny Peterson Ohio State
4 None
5 James Lee Oregon State
5 Hunter Hillenmeyer Vanderbilt
6 Brennan Curtin Notre Dame
7 Chris Johnson Louisville
7 Deandrew Rubin South Florida
7 Carl Ford Toledo
7 Steve Josue Carson Newman

2004 Draft

Round/Name/School

1 Ahmad Carroll Arkansas
2 None
3 Joey Thomas Montana State
3 Donnell Washington Clemson
3 B.J. Sander Ohio State
4 None
5 None
6 Corey Williams Arkansas State
7 Scott Wells Tennessee*

2005

Round Name School

1 Aaron Rodgers California
2 Nick Collins Bethune Cookman
3 None
4 Marviel Underwood San Diego State**
4 Brady Poppinga BYU
5 Junius Coston North Carolina A&T
5 Michael Hawkins Oklahoma
6 Mike Montgomery Texas A&M
6 Craig Bragg UCLA
7 Kurt Campell Albany
7 Will Whitticker Michigan State

* - Drafted by the Packers, released, and acquired via free agency
** - On Injured Reserve

That's 8 out of 25 players acquired via the draft that are on the active roster after three years. Of those 8, three are first-rounders: Nick Barnett, who is a quality linebacker; Aaron Rodgers, who has yet to play any meaningful downs; and Ahmad Carroll, who has proven that he has about as much business on a football field as I do performing open heart surgery. Of the remaining five, Nick Collins looks like he has potential, but the rest would have trouble making the roster of an arena league team. Keep in mind also, that in 2004, the Packers were in the bottom three teams in total defense - yet they spent their first round pick on a backup quarterback and a second round pick on a wide receiver (Terrence Murphy).

So while the Packers were cruising along during the Sherman era, buttressed by All-Pros like Brett Favre, Ahman Green, Donald Driver, Bubba Franks, and William Henderson, the infrastructure was crumbling underneath them. Now that all their talent is aging, and they let Marco Rivera and Mike Wahle go, they have replaced much of that talent with low round draft picks and waiver wire trash. If you can't build a solid core of players through the draft, you essentially become an expansion team, starting from scratch. And it appears that's where the Packers are now.

What's also disturbing about the list above is how many picks they're missing - due to trades or otherwise. Every round they're missing a pick is a round that they could have had someone helping them right now. And I haven't even mentioned trading up to draft a punter (Sander) who was unable to handle the small detail of actually kicking the ball. If the Packers truly were looking for their "quarterback of the future," they could have drafted a guy like Matt Schaub the year before, who was taken after Sander. Schaub, who backs up Michael Vick in Atlanta, has played exceptionally well when forced into duty, and will be a starter for some team soon.

Add this all to the fact that you just hired a head coach with no head coaching experience, who was the offensive coordinator for a 4-12 team that finished 31st in the NFL in total offense last year. Oh, and by the way, the 49ers scored 27 points today in their first game without Mike McCarthy.

Maybe this is all just me trying to rationalize the inevitable 3-13 season. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I've never taken drugs, but if anyone wants to suggest some, I'm taking recommendations. And I also want to announce that I have a Packer jersey for sale - it's in good condition, except for being thrown to the ground and stomped on repeatedly.

Wisconsin's History of Disgraced McCarthys


"Are you or have you ever been the worst head coach in the NFL?"

Saturday, September 09, 2006

New MySpace Page

I'm not sure what MySpace is or what it does, but it seems like all the cool people are setting up their own pages. So I set one up (it's pretty bare bones right now) - you can go see it at:

http://www.myspace.com/dennisyork

I currently have zero friends, which is mildly dispiriting. But I figure if you're one of my eight readers, it would be a good chance to meet up with other regulars. So start a profile and add me as a "friend." Unlike your real friends, I won't ask you to help me move or anything.

Keep checking back for more pictures of me, Katie and Suri.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Note to the City of Madison...

...By the time construction on East Washington Avenue is complete, cars will be obsolete. We'll all be flying around, Jetsons-style.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Bucher Blames Lautenschlager for Recent Spike in Corpse Humping

Madison (AP) Attorney General candidate Paul Bucher today ripped Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager for the recent explosion in people digging up corpses to have sex with them. “Peg Lautenschlager has fostered a culture of crime where it’s perfectly normal to do the ‘bone dance’ with dead people, and that has to stop,” said Bucher. When he is Attorney General, “the only ‘stiff’ thing these punks are going to see is a jail sentence,” said Bucher.

Bucher’s attacks on Lautenschlager escalated this week with the introduction of a new radio ad criticizing the Attorney General for her drunk driving arrest two years ago. Some believe the ad is a little curious, since Bucher isn’t currently running against Lautenschlager – he’s running against Republican J.B. Van Hollen for the right to get to the general election. In addition to ads criticizing Lautenschlager, Bucher’s campaign will be unveiling equally relevant ads ripping Kathleen Falk, Kenny Loggins, the Berenstain Bears, Sinbad, Ralph Macchio, left handed people, Gil Gerard, and the guy that played “Boner” on Growing Pains.

At his press conference, Bucher also announced the formation of the new group “Corpses for Bucher,” to be headed up by former governor Lee Sherman Dreyfus, who has been dead for 12 years. In response, Van Hollen formed “People Who are Going to Die Soon for Van Hollen.” Later in the day, Kathleen Falk formed “Citizens With Really Bad Whooping Cough for Falk.”

Dreyfus’ group promised Bucher a sizeable cash contribution as soon as they could get their hands on all the money grandma left to her twelve cats in the will. "Over my f-ing dead cat body," said family spokesman "Professor Mittens."

Lautenschlager immediately defended the three Cassville youths that attempted to have sex with a female corpse last week. "They simply just got the personal ads mixed up with the obituaries and zaniness ensued," said Lautenschlager, who believes that once happened on Three's Company. Lautenschlager recently announced that she would be digging up the corpse of Jeffrey Dahmer so she could personally try him for some old parking tickets he never paid.

Bucher clarified that his more aggressive enforcement will not apply to men having sex with sleeping women, which would require imprisoning half of Wisconsin's married men.

Monday, September 04, 2006

From Father to Son - Sort Of

I'm always jealous when I hear people say things like "my father used to say..." I can't really remember anything my Dad ever said to me, other than "you're not allowed back into this house until you have a job," when I turned 16 (he meant it, by the way).

As you all know, I have a daughter, who I absolutely love more than anything in the world. But I'd be lying if I said I don't miss the chance to impart some fatherly advice to her, in the same way I would to a son.

So I compiled some little tidbits about life that I have learned throughout the years, and decided to leave this post for my (hypothetical) son:

Indispensable Life Lessons for Baby Boy York

1. You will never wear the gear of any other football team than the Packers in my house. Ever.

2. Confidence is cyclical – if you don’t have any, people will be able to tell, which will cause you to have less confidence. The best thing to do is to pretend you have confidence for a week or two, then people will start treating you appropriately.

3. Scientists will never figure out why women feel the need to have a “side” when they eat. If you want to eat a hot dog, stand up and be a man and just eat a hot dog. No green beans or corn is necessary. Unless your mother says so.

4. There is nothing greater in the world than a girl wearing one of your shirts. Absolutely nothing.

5. If at any point you decide that you want to talk about sex, I'm sure that your mother will be happy to tell you what you need to know.

6. Good looking people never have to work for anything. So try to be one of them. And pray that your mother’s genes kick in.

7. High school is hard enough as it is without drinking alcohol. College is pretty easy, so drink as much as you can before you graduate and your heavy drinking starts to creep people out.

8. The number of tattoos you have is directly proportional to how stupid you are.

9. When trying to get dates with girls, learn a little bit about goofy lefty stuff like the environment. Try to impress them by using words like “multinational” and “egalitarian.” After you hook up, tell them you don't recycle and never call them again.

10. Any woman that touches your remote control has no respect for you.

11. Boobs are like a solar eclipse - never look directly at them. And if you look like me, you'll see them about as often.

12. There is no life situation that you will encounter that can’t be improved by rice krispie treats.

13. If money is all you ever want in life, it’s all you’ll ever have.

14. Make your first wife your trophy wife.

15. You can never tell me that you love me too much, since I could have a grabber and die any day. When I do die, take good notes of who came to my funeral and who said bad things about me, so I can haunt them from the grave.

16. Growing facial hair is not a substitute for being fit. Growing a goatee to hide your double chin fools nobody – you’re just then a fat guy with a goatee.

17. I get to dictate what kind of haircut you have until you can beat me in Madden on the Playstation.

18. If you ask a girl to homecoming three straight years and she says no each year, she will probably say yes the fourth year. Just trust me on this one.

19. I don’t care what you read growing up, just read something. Reading something beats reading nothing, hands down.

20. There is nothing you can do that a black guy can’t do about 10 times cooler than you.

21. If I had the choice between being a millionaire or having you fall asleep while I rock you to sleep every night, I’d gladly give up the money. In a world with any justice, I’d have both.

22. Be nice to rich people – you will need one to employ you some day.

23. Never try to steal a girlfriend from a guy with long hair. You have no chance.

24. If you really want to meet a girl that you don’t know, the best way is to introduce her to a friend of yours. Just go up and say, “Excuse me, have you met my friend Steve?” 70% of girls will immediately know what you’re up to, and 70% of those girls will give you credit for having the stones to do it.

25. In college, if you miss a couple classes, make sure you ask the cutest girl in the class to borrow her notes. Really lay it on thick until she gives them to you. Of course, you have to go to her apartment to personally return them, and make sure you throw in a funny, thoughtful gift. When you schedule subsequent “study dates,” they absolutely have to be on your home field – otherwise she might actually get the idea that you are sincerely interested in studying.

26. Despite rumors to the contrary, giraffes really don’t have your best interests at heart.

27. Always have a friend that you’re so close to, you consider yourself “porn buddies.” This guy will know where you keep all your porn, so when you die, he can immediately go in and clean it all out before your wife and parents find out what a degenerate you are.

28. Never tell a girl you love her until you’re sure you want to marry her. The damage you can do my prematurely announcing it far outweighs her irritation with you for not saying it soon enough. If she says it too soon, point your fingers at her like six-shooters, say “back atcha,” and run out of the room.

29. Enjoy your early birthdays - old age just brings more things to shave.

30. Sometimes when you your hands get dirty and you have to wash them, the cold water will make you have to pee. When you are done peeing, there’s so sense in washing them again – the disinfecting powers of the soap you applied 30 seconds earlier is strong enough to kill off the wiener germs. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

31. Some of the most magical, enduring memories you have when you are a teenager will occur when you so something that defies my orders. That doesn’t mean you’re not grounded, you little bastard.

32. Always treat women exactly the way you want to be treated. For starters, get naked and hug them as much as possible. They should start getting the idea.

33. If you’re in the West Towne area and feel some intestinal discomfort, I can’t recommend the Pottery Barn bathroom more highly. There are candles, low lights, and incense in there. You couldn’t have a more pleasant pooping experience.

34. When you’re thirteen and I go to one of your athletic award banquets and you pretend not to know me because I embarrass you to your friends, you will feel a lifetime of soul-crushing regret and spend a good portion of your adulthood trying to make up for it.

And, as always:

35. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Good News, Packer Fans!

Just when you thought all the Packer news was bad these days:

I played my first game of Madden 2007 on my PS2, and the Packers beat the Bears 17-13 (despite five interceptions thrown by Brett Favre). I even created profiles for Jon Ryan and Dave Rayner, and cut Najeh Davenport and Rod Gardner, so it is as realistic as possible.

I can't possibly see this as anything but a positive harbinger for the Pack. Look for a good season ahead.

It Takes Brass Balls


So which shows that Democratic State Senate candidate John Lehman has the bigger stones - showing up at the groundbreaking of a veterans' nursing home that he voted against, or taking credit for a veterans' home after spending three months in federal prison for draft dodging? You may remember the Vietnam War - it's the same war that put many of those vets in that home.

The New Official Marketplace Mascot

So why is it that people need some kind of mascot to explain intangible phenomena? We blame certain happenings on "Father Time," or "Mother Nature," as if there's some old lady sitting around, saying "yeah, I think Wisconsin's overdue for a tornado. Let's mix it up."

Since so few people seem to grasp the idea of the marketplace, I thought it might be helpful to American citizens to provide them with a mascot to talk to. We'll call him "Monty the Marketplace," and we'll give him credit when things we want to buy cost less, and blame him when things we really want cost more. Because, as we all know, it's some guy that determines the price of everything, not necessarily how much people are actually willing to pay for it.

So thank you, Monty, for gas being 30 cents cheaper this week - without any government intervention.

And damn you, Monty, for being slow to make 50 inch plasma TVs more affordable. As a result, I will be denied my constitutional right to watch the Packers suck in high definition this year.

My nomination for the official "Monty Marketplace" mascot: