Hope everyone out there had a Merry Christmas. Mine was excellent, as I got to watch my daughter almost jump out of her skin with happiness over her presents. More importantly, Christmas marks the end of those greaseballs at the mall that shoot toy helicopters at you. If a helicopter ever touches me, one of those dirtbags is going down. That's a promise!
Anyway, my gifts were more interesting. On Thursday, I got a card from my lefty sister saying she made a contribution of $50 in my name to heifer.org, which is an international food bank or something. She actually said in the card, "Isn't this better than a Best Buy card?" They send you an itemized e-mail telling you that your $50 bought some ducks and a goat for a farmer in an impoverished country. I'm wondering when I get my first letter in the mail from the goat.
I'm actually thinking I should send her an e-mail telling her "thanks for the goat - he just got here yesterday. He's enjoying grazing in the back yard." There is also a 100% chance I rig the family secret santa drawing next year so that I get her name. Won't she be surprised when she gets my card informing her she just made a $50 contribution to Wisconsin Right to Life?
Make sure ewe sign up for the "Women's Lambing" program. I know I have some guy friends interested in the "Women's Porking" programs, but I think those can be found at a different website altogether.
We went on Sunday night and caught a Kid's Christmas Pageant. I can only imagine how proud the parents of the kids in the pageant are. I'd start getting my 4 year old daughter ready for the pageant next year, but I'm pretty sure she has Satan's cell phone number. They probably talk regularly about how fun it is to draw on the walls in crayon.
She asked me a whole slew of Baby Jesus related questions, and I wasn't exactly sure how to answer. For instance, she asked whether Baby Jesus is all grown up. I told her that he died for our sins, which drew me a stern rebuke from my wife. Maybe I should just tell her that Jesus has been reborn in the form of Dwyane Wade and make everyone happy.
Santa brought my daughter a two-wheel bike, which was her number one gift request (number two was a candy cane). To go along with the bike (which still has training wheels), my wife went and bought the full helmet-elbow pads-knee pads combo pack. When she puts it all on, she looks like she's a stormtrooper.
I'll never understand the constant over-protection of kids that society demands. If she just wants to go out and ride her bike on the sidewalk, I have to dress her like she's going in to root out Baathist insurgents. Is there really a problem with 4 year old girls smashing into things and injuring their heads? My friends and I used to build ramps at the bottom of our street and go flying off of them, pad-less. It's called being a kid.
One last thing - if we ever find out that Jews have it right, I'm forwarding my post-Christmas credit card bill directly to the Vatican.
And for the fan of this blog, look forward to some big things in the new year. For instance, I plan on starting to wear men's underwear.