Monday, November 06, 2006

The York Pre-Election Spectacular

Everyone seems to be doing their pre-election posts with their endorsements, predictions, and observations. I will refrain from any of these, as I refuse to believe that anyone really cares what I, as a dopey blogger, think. Plus, if you read my blog, you pretty much know how I'm voting. If you don't read my blog, congratulations on actually being a productive worker in your office.

The only thing I haven't figured out is how I'm voting in the Baldwin/Magnum congressional race - how do you support either? After I vote, Count Chocula might be one vote closer to his dream of representing Dane County in Congress. His other dream, of course, is to turn my milk brown and delicious. Mission accomplished on that one.

At the end of a campaign, the idea is to make voters not be able to comprehend the world if the other guy is elected. The rhetoric gets so heated and outlandish, it's easy to think the apocalypse will descend upon us if our guy loses. Now, I have no idea what will happen on Tuesday, but in the event a worst-case development occurs, I want to provide some pre-emptive consolation to Republican voters.

Think about the 85% of Wisconsin citizens who can't name a single one of their elected representatives, and how happy they generally are. To these people, it makes absolutely no difference who inhabits state government - as long as their trailer is still there when they get back from the liquor store, they live content lives.

If Democrats end up winning a lot of offices on Tuesday, there are substantial portions of your life that will remain untouched. For instance:

-Democrats won't be able to stop you from enjoying playing with your kids.

-Democrats won't be able to stop you from enjoying delicious sausage deep dish pizzas from Lou Malnati's (although it will take you a year to get in to see a doctor when the inevitable cardiac arrest occurs).

-Democrats won't be able to keep you from laughing at people with outrageous mustaches.

-Democrats have no impending plans to change the periodic table of elements, so the symbol for Tungsten will remain "W." Thus, you can continue to make entertain friends at dinner parties with this fact, before you get down to business and the wife swapping begins.

-Democrats won't be able to keep you from experiencing the pure joy you feel when you find a ten dollar bill in an old pair of jeans. Of course, they will snatch it up when they find out you have it, but at least you temporarily felt the thrill of discovery.

-Democrats won't enter your house and forcibly take the one shirt you have that doesn't make you look fat.

-Democrats won't eliminate your right to sob like a little girl when Red gets out of prison in Shawshank, when you watch it for the 35th time.

-Democrats will save America from the growing epidemic of gay Republican congressmen touching your children - since no Democrats are gay or have ever done anything unseemly.

-Democrats can't eliminate the feeling you get when you realize that all the drinks you bought her are working, and she can't tell what you look like anymore. Probably much like how Lance Armstrong felt after his fourth straight Tour de France victory.

-Democrats will show us how a bad war is supposed to be run (see LBJ).

-Democrats will not be able to prevent you from sticking your tongue in a bag full of popcorn when your arms are full of snacks at a movie. Of course, if you are a teenage Republican, that will likely be the only thing you are sticking your tongue in at the movies.

On the other hand, you will pay higher taxes and your house will probably be declared Ho-Chunk sacred gambling property and taken from you. Details, details.

After the nad-punching the Packers provided on Sunday, I don't know if I can take any more crushing disappointments this week. In fact, I may have to wear a protective cup to the polls. Regardless of who ends up winning on Tuesday, my night will probably end the same way it ends every night - with me crying myself to sleep, clutching a bottle of Wild Turkey.

That being said, if Democrats sweep all the major offices tomorrow, look for me on the news - I'll be the guy wearing an orange ten gallon hat and arm floaties that's running around naked on the beltline, waving a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be the only way I fulfill my dream of making it onto the news on election night.

Now let's get out there and make this the sexiest election day ever.