Wednesday, November 29, 2006

New Iraqi Constitution Forgets to Ban Gays


Baghdad (AP) - A loophole in the new Iraqi Constitution has made the middle eastern country a popular vacation spot for gays and lesbians, according to U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad. "Boy, we really screwed that one up," said Khalilzad. "You would think that would be the first thing to write in our Constitution - making sure people of the same sex can't find any sort of level of happiness," he said.

Khalilzad was visiting a neighborhood in Baghdad the other day, when he saw two men that he assumed were taking part in the traditional Iraqi practice of mustache fighting. As he neared the men, he realized that they, in fact, just enjoyed a fancy meal and a showing of "When Harry Met Sally." Khalilzad stated for the record that he thought Billy Crystal's performance was a little over the top, but enjoyed Meg Ryan's whimsical banter.

Before the new Constitution was adopted, homosexuality was a crime in Iraq, punishable either by death or being adopted by Madonna. In order to escape this choice, many gay Iraqis have been spotted jumping off the roof of the tallest building remaining in Iraq, the one story Qdoba down on the corner of Uday and Qusay boulevards.

Despite the anti-homosexual sentiment in Iraq, lesbian pornography has continued to run rampant, as hot burqa on burqa action is still encouraged. However, authorities still have the ability to ban truly obscene images, such as a picture of a woman voting.

In a speech to the United Nations, Khalilzad said that he was proud of the progress Iraq has made in becoming a more modern society. For instance, Iraqis are now able to use cutting edge conveniences like Rubik's Cubes and Huey Lewis and the News tapes. He vowed that America was going to stay the course for as long as it takes to free their nation, or until Republicans start to lose seats in Congress, whichever comes first.

"America will not relent until Iraq's leg is humped by the Puppy of Freedom," said the erudite Khalilzad, before boarding a plane to get the hell out of there.