Sunday, October 15, 2006

New Anti-Sex Offender Program Urges Children to Dress Like Adults



Madison - A revolutionary new law enforcement program hopes to confuse pedophiles by having their child targets dress as adults to throw them off the scent. "This is a cutting edge police program that should serve as a model for the nation," said Madison Police Chief Noble Wray.

A recent test of the program yielded spectacular results. First, a number of known sex offenders were pulled from the Democratic Party mailing list and stationed around a local elementary school. The cops then sent a fourth grader out of the school dressed as a janitor smoking a cigarette and talking about what a pain in the ass his wife is, and he slipped by, unscathed. Another kid was then sent out of the school dressed as Batman. "Everyone knows Batman is really a grown man, so there's no way I was going to mess with him," said sex offender Miles Charles. "You don't get good at luring children into your van by being stupid," he added.

"We're going to need $3.2 billion in order to carry out the program, which will save thousands of children from sexual abuse," said Wisconsin Superintendent of Schools Elizabeth Burmaster. The additional funds are necessary to buy approximately 200,000 fake mustaches for the boys and an equal number of fake cigarette burns for the girls. The teachers' union has some experience with a similar program, where they dress children up as union demonstrators and bus them down to Madison to protest their lack of a pay increase.

Despite the program's resounding success, it has has some minor glitches. So far, a problem with the program occurred when a child dressed as a cowboy gave a kid dressed as an Indian a blanket infected with smallpox during naptime. The little Indian was immediately sent home from school, where he was greeted by Governor Jim Doyle seeking a campaign contribution. In another mixup, Stevie Jensen dressed up as a soldier and was immediately called up to join fighting in Fallujah by the Bush Administration.

In an ingenious move, little Joey Moretti decided to dress up as a pedophile, in hopes of repelling actual pedophiles. Ironically, Joey was immediately hired as the Dean of Students at UW-Madison.

This program will be followed up by a new sting operation where police officers dress like children in an attempt to lure pedophiles.