Monday, October 02, 2006

Married Men Lobby for Ban on Straight Marriage

New Berlin - A new organization of married men today announced that they would be seeking a constitutional amendment banning marriage between heterosexual Wisconsinites. The controversial proposal comes on the heels of a new amendment to the Wisconsin Constitution that seeks to ban gay marriage. "Why should lucky gay Wisconsinites be able to avoid the suffering of marriage?" said group spokesman Philip Dale. "Come live with my wife for a week, and see if marriage is something they want any part of," said Dale, adding, "We're the ones really pushing for equality - to make sure everyone's not equally as miserable."

Dale recently flew across the country to Portland with his wife and three children, and says he now believes he knows what Guantanamo Bay must feel like for detainees. "Being trapped on a delayed plane with three young children is like being locked in a Volkswagen Bug with hungry wolverines," he said. In fact, a nationwide group of Vietnam veterans has begun to pool its donations in order to build a monument for Dale. "Man, that guy really had it bad," said legless former P.O.W. Benny "Nostrils" McGee.

The proposed amendment immediately garnered opposition from pro-straight marriage groups. "Heterosexual marriage is a lot better than people think," said Nelson Scott, President of Wisconsin Wieners are for Women. "When a guy gets married, he can do things he never could do when he was single," said Scott. "He can stop working out, he doesn't have to shower as often, he can stop using big words like 'solipsistic,' and he can go grocery shopping without any pants on," said Scott, who has been arrested 46 times for public indecency.

Amendment proponents, however, aren't buying Scott's argument. "Why gay people want to be told three times a day to mow the lawn is beyond me," said Parman Nagresh, 42, of Franklin. Just last week, Nagresh was reminded to get an oil change a record 32 times by his wife. "Every time I do a load of colored laundry, she reminds me to use cold water - I don't know how I managed to live 27 years on this earth without her constant advice," he added.

"Traditional marriage really works against those of us that don't have a very strong Pimp Hand," said Nagresh. He also pointed out that if nobody can get married, it makes it a lot easier to part ways if your wife starts dating Flavor Flav, or if you're a congressman that decides he likes 16 year old boys. According to Nagresh, last week he mentioned to his wife that he intended to begin looking at HDTVs at Best Buy, but was immediately vetoed. Rather than convince his wife that they could afford a new TV, he took on a much easier task - negotiating a peace agreement between Israel and Hezbollah.

Scott's group said they soon would be introducing a constitutional amendment that would prevent homosexuals from attending straight weddings. The amendment is strongly opposed by couples who actually appreciate thoughtful gifts.