Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Falk Tears ACL; Out For Remainder of Campaign Season

Madison - The Wisconsin Democrats' chances of winning took a big hit yesterday when Attorney General candidate Kathleen Falk fell to the floor in agony during a debate. Apparently, Falk was injured while attempting to back-pedal on the previous pro-illegal immigration stance that she championed in the primary.

Early this week, Falk and Governor Jim Doyle announced that they had found $1.2 million in the couch cushions of the Governor's mansion to pay for increased staffing at the state crime lab. Political observers have noted how closely aligned the Falk and Doyle campaigns have become, especially since Falk has begun to refer to the Governor as "Captain Snuggles."

As Dane County Executive, Falk is best known for the political courage it took for her radically change hairstyles in mid-administration. Political observers have called it the most daring change in Wisconsin political hair since Lee Sherman Dreyfus began waxing his armpits.

With Falk unable to campaign, the Democrats have the option of using her backup, current Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager, to finish out the campaign. However, Lautenschlager is reportedly unfit to run, as she has ballooned to a weight of 330 pounds on a diet of Quarter Pounders and Colt 45 malt liquor since her devastating primary defeat. Sources say Lautenschlager routinely spends her entire day at home watching the Maury Povich show, yelling "OH, NO - SHE DIDN'T!" at the television, while her dog Bubbles licks her feet.

At the beginning of the race, Falk was asked whether she had ever driven drunk, given that she would eventually attack Lautenschlager for her drunk driving arrest. Falk said she didn't know, then admitted that she also doesn't remember how she woke up with so many beads after Mardi Gras a couple years ago.