Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Old Hippie Hated America Way Before it Was Cool

Madison (AP) - Local elderly hippie Alastair "Cornbread" Birchwood today denounced youth activist culture, saying today's kids pale in comparison to the counter-culturalists of his youth. "Today's anti-war demonstrators think they can wear a pair of birks and smoke a little dry mexi-weed and be real 'activists,'" said Cornbread. "We were bombing buildings and throwing rocks at cops - kids today think they can change the world by writing 'Bush Sucks' in chalk on the Library Mall sidewalk," he said.

"Our kids are dying overseas, and today's supposed 'activists' are working at the Gap, hoping to save up enough money for a Dave Matthews show," Cornbread complained. They don't show the true, vitriolic hatred of America that our Constitution protects, and I am saying that completely without a hint of irony," he said. "Anti-War activism is a tough job - even harder than being the guy who types the closed-captions for 'Flavor of Love,'" Cornbread added.

"The Bushitler military industrial complex has led us into an unjust war that...

...wait, what was I saying?" Birchwood remarked.

"We were proof that a small group of people could make real global change," said Birchwood. Indeed, studies have shown that global patchouli levels increased by 38% between 1967 and 1973. "I remember the Summer of Love - and nothing says 'LOVE' more than doing a near-lethal amount of drugs and having sex with multiple people that you'll never remember or ever see again," he said.

"We were proof that you can do a lot of drugs, have a lot of meaningless sex, rebel against authority and still be successful," said Birchwood, sitting alone on a mattress on the floor in his empty apartment. He denies that his impotence may be the result of a lifetime of drug use, instead insisting that it is most likely Dick Cheney's fault.

Today, Cornbread sticks it to the man by placing orange flags at unmarked City of Madison intersections and by refusing to buy any product produced by "big deodorant." He enjoys hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake State Park, while thinking about different ways that America is a totalitarian state.