Sunday, September 24, 2006

Ghost of Dave Magnum's Wife Files for Divorce

Madison (AP) - Citing extraordinary public humiliation, the Ghost of Congressional Candidate Dave Magnum's wife today filed for divorce in hopes that he discontinues mentioning her in his campaign ads. "All I wanted to do was die with dignity, and not become a political talking point after my death," she said.

Magnum, who uncomfortably made staring at a photo of his deceased wife a central part of his failed 2004 run against Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin, has exhumed the same strategy for his 2006 campaign. In his television ads, Magnum claims that his late wife told him to run for Congress before her death. Unfortunately, a recent poll shows that exactly 0% of voters list "fulfilling the wishes of a dead wife," as a quality they most look for in a congressman. Magnum's wife also said her dying wishes also included requests for him to show some humility and for him not to use her two sons as political pawns. Both requests have not yet been granted.

In his most recent television ad, Magnum cites his support for stem cell research by once again invoking the memory of his late wife. In doing so, he claims that he will be willing to "break the party line" on stem cell research to help find cures. Apparently, Magnum has received a copy of the top-secret Republican "partisan soldier" talking points on stem cell research, and has vowed to boldly snub them. In taking this strong stance, he draws a clear distinction between himself and incumbent Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin, who... also... supports... embryonic stem cell research, only... much more so.

"Dave Magnum is absolutely right on stem cell research," said Republican Congressman Mark Souder of Indiana. "No Republicans actually legitimately care about the sanctity of life or the moral consequences of creating life only to destroy it - we just oppose embryonic research because Denny Hastert throws a kick ass ice cream social at the beginning of session," said Souder. Magnum is hopeful that his latest attempt to throw legitimate opponents of embryonic stem cell research under the bus is enough to move his vote total from 36% up to 37% in the November election.

Magnum said he hopes stem cells are able to bring his wife back in time for them to go catch "Jackass Number Two" before it's out of the theaters.