Monday, September 04, 2006

From Father to Son - Sort Of

I'm always jealous when I hear people say things like "my father used to say..." I can't really remember anything my Dad ever said to me, other than "you're not allowed back into this house until you have a job," when I turned 16 (he meant it, by the way).

As you all know, I have a daughter, who I absolutely love more than anything in the world. But I'd be lying if I said I don't miss the chance to impart some fatherly advice to her, in the same way I would to a son.

So I compiled some little tidbits about life that I have learned throughout the years, and decided to leave this post for my (hypothetical) son:

Indispensable Life Lessons for Baby Boy York

1. You will never wear the gear of any other football team than the Packers in my house. Ever.

2. Confidence is cyclical – if you don’t have any, people will be able to tell, which will cause you to have less confidence. The best thing to do is to pretend you have confidence for a week or two, then people will start treating you appropriately.

3. Scientists will never figure out why women feel the need to have a “side” when they eat. If you want to eat a hot dog, stand up and be a man and just eat a hot dog. No green beans or corn is necessary. Unless your mother says so.

4. There is nothing greater in the world than a girl wearing one of your shirts. Absolutely nothing.

5. If at any point you decide that you want to talk about sex, I'm sure that your mother will be happy to tell you what you need to know.

6. Good looking people never have to work for anything. So try to be one of them. And pray that your mother’s genes kick in.

7. High school is hard enough as it is without drinking alcohol. College is pretty easy, so drink as much as you can before you graduate and your heavy drinking starts to creep people out.

8. The number of tattoos you have is directly proportional to how stupid you are.

9. When trying to get dates with girls, learn a little bit about goofy lefty stuff like the environment. Try to impress them by using words like “multinational” and “egalitarian.” After you hook up, tell them you don't recycle and never call them again.

10. Any woman that touches your remote control has no respect for you.

11. Boobs are like a solar eclipse - never look directly at them. And if you look like me, you'll see them about as often.

12. There is no life situation that you will encounter that can’t be improved by rice krispie treats.

13. If money is all you ever want in life, it’s all you’ll ever have.

14. Make your first wife your trophy wife.

15. You can never tell me that you love me too much, since I could have a grabber and die any day. When I do die, take good notes of who came to my funeral and who said bad things about me, so I can haunt them from the grave.

16. Growing facial hair is not a substitute for being fit. Growing a goatee to hide your double chin fools nobody – you’re just then a fat guy with a goatee.

17. I get to dictate what kind of haircut you have until you can beat me in Madden on the Playstation.

18. If you ask a girl to homecoming three straight years and she says no each year, she will probably say yes the fourth year. Just trust me on this one.

19. I don’t care what you read growing up, just read something. Reading something beats reading nothing, hands down.

20. There is nothing you can do that a black guy can’t do about 10 times cooler than you.

21. If I had the choice between being a millionaire or having you fall asleep while I rock you to sleep every night, I’d gladly give up the money. In a world with any justice, I’d have both.

22. Be nice to rich people – you will need one to employ you some day.

23. Never try to steal a girlfriend from a guy with long hair. You have no chance.

24. If you really want to meet a girl that you don’t know, the best way is to introduce her to a friend of yours. Just go up and say, “Excuse me, have you met my friend Steve?” 70% of girls will immediately know what you’re up to, and 70% of those girls will give you credit for having the stones to do it.

25. In college, if you miss a couple classes, make sure you ask the cutest girl in the class to borrow her notes. Really lay it on thick until she gives them to you. Of course, you have to go to her apartment to personally return them, and make sure you throw in a funny, thoughtful gift. When you schedule subsequent “study dates,” they absolutely have to be on your home field – otherwise she might actually get the idea that you are sincerely interested in studying.

26. Despite rumors to the contrary, giraffes really don’t have your best interests at heart.

27. Always have a friend that you’re so close to, you consider yourself “porn buddies.” This guy will know where you keep all your porn, so when you die, he can immediately go in and clean it all out before your wife and parents find out what a degenerate you are.

28. Never tell a girl you love her until you’re sure you want to marry her. The damage you can do my prematurely announcing it far outweighs her irritation with you for not saying it soon enough. If she says it too soon, point your fingers at her like six-shooters, say “back atcha,” and run out of the room.

29. Enjoy your early birthdays - old age just brings more things to shave.

30. Sometimes when you your hands get dirty and you have to wash them, the cold water will make you have to pee. When you are done peeing, there’s so sense in washing them again – the disinfecting powers of the soap you applied 30 seconds earlier is strong enough to kill off the wiener germs. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

31. Some of the most magical, enduring memories you have when you are a teenager will occur when you so something that defies my orders. That doesn’t mean you’re not grounded, you little bastard.

32. Always treat women exactly the way you want to be treated. For starters, get naked and hug them as much as possible. They should start getting the idea.

33. If you’re in the West Towne area and feel some intestinal discomfort, I can’t recommend the Pottery Barn bathroom more highly. There are candles, low lights, and incense in there. You couldn’t have a more pleasant pooping experience.

34. When you’re thirteen and I go to one of your athletic award banquets and you pretend not to know me because I embarrass you to your friends, you will feel a lifetime of soul-crushing regret and spend a good portion of your adulthood trying to make up for it.

And, as always:

35. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.