Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Elections Board Orders Doyle to Give Up the Funk

Chocolate City (AP) - The newly appointed State Elections Board today ordered Governor Jim Doyle to return a large portion of funk it believed he had obtained illegally. The Board ruled that Doyle had ten days to return his campaign's last six months' worth of uncut interplanetary funk.

"Doyle really funked this one up," said Board spokesman Sir Nose. "He's been doing it to taxpayers in their earhole for too long," he said. Nose said that Doyle would be barred from shinin' on the funk until he complied with the Board's orders to their complete satisfunktion.

The Board determined that in 2003, Doyle contracted with the legendary Dr. Funkenstein for the lucrative State of Wisconsin funk contract, in exchange for six month supply of bootylicious grooves for the Doyle campaign. Under the contract, Funkenstein was obligated to write a new Wisconsin State Song. Investigators became suspicious when the song, "Nuclear Booty," was first unveiled at the memorial service for former Senator Gaylord Nelson. "We knew something was wrong when we saw Herb Kohl doing the worm in the aisle," said lead investigator Bootsy Collins.

The previous Elections Board was ousted in the wake of a truly shocking scandal that cuts to the very heart of state governance - the fact that gubernatorial candidate Mark Green actually used actors in one of his campaign commercials. "With scandals like that happening under the nose of the previous Elections Board, major action had to be taken," said Bootsy.

Doyle, speaking via video conference from inside the Mothership, denied all wrongdoing. Doyle deflected corruption questions, instead talking about all the promise embryonic stem cells have shown in helping terminally white people improve their rhythm.