Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Bucher Blames Lautenschlager for Recent Spike in Corpse Humping

Madison (AP) Attorney General candidate Paul Bucher today ripped Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager for the recent explosion in people digging up corpses to have sex with them. “Peg Lautenschlager has fostered a culture of crime where it’s perfectly normal to do the ‘bone dance’ with dead people, and that has to stop,” said Bucher. When he is Attorney General, “the only ‘stiff’ thing these punks are going to see is a jail sentence,” said Bucher.

Bucher’s attacks on Lautenschlager escalated this week with the introduction of a new radio ad criticizing the Attorney General for her drunk driving arrest two years ago. Some believe the ad is a little curious, since Bucher isn’t currently running against Lautenschlager – he’s running against Republican J.B. Van Hollen for the right to get to the general election. In addition to ads criticizing Lautenschlager, Bucher’s campaign will be unveiling equally relevant ads ripping Kathleen Falk, Kenny Loggins, the Berenstain Bears, Sinbad, Ralph Macchio, left handed people, Gil Gerard, and the guy that played “Boner” on Growing Pains.

At his press conference, Bucher also announced the formation of the new group “Corpses for Bucher,” to be headed up by former governor Lee Sherman Dreyfus, who has been dead for 12 years. In response, Van Hollen formed “People Who are Going to Die Soon for Van Hollen.” Later in the day, Kathleen Falk formed “Citizens With Really Bad Whooping Cough for Falk.”

Dreyfus’ group promised Bucher a sizeable cash contribution as soon as they could get their hands on all the money grandma left to her twelve cats in the will. "Over my f-ing dead cat body," said family spokesman "Professor Mittens."

Lautenschlager immediately defended the three Cassville youths that attempted to have sex with a female corpse last week. "They simply just got the personal ads mixed up with the obituaries and zaniness ensued," said Lautenschlager, who believes that once happened on Three's Company. Lautenschlager recently announced that she would be digging up the corpse of Jeffrey Dahmer so she could personally try him for some old parking tickets he never paid.

Bucher clarified that his more aggressive enforcement will not apply to men having sex with sleeping women, which would require imprisoning half of Wisconsin's married men.