Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Bring Me Your Tired, Your Weak, Your Gay

All of the great philanthropists have found a cause to champion, and I plan to be no different. Mother Theresa will be a saint one day because of her work with the poverty stricken children of Calcutta. Andrew Carnegie donated money to build 2,500 public libraries (where I can now check out "Jackass: The Movie" for free). Marion Barry personally worked day and night to rid the streets of crack cocaine and hookers (by keeping them all in his hotel room).

You may ask to which particular group I have suddenly become sympathetic. It's a group of hopeless, downtrodden individuals that have little chance of success in life. I am talking, of course, about ugly gay people.

Think about it in terms of pure numbers - if you're a homely heterosexual, there is still a pretty darn good chance you are going to find someone with standards as low as yours. The nation is your oyster - there are about 150 million members of the opposite sex waiting for you. Even if you're as ugly as I am, at least 1/3 of those women are desperate and/or tattooed enough to date you. That's 50 million chances for you to trick some woman into a relationship. I think my wife still believes I'm the fat kid from "The Goonies." (Don't blow it for me, okay?)

Even if you have trouble finding straight love in America, you can take your act overseas and open up whole new markets. Surely, there's some lovely Ukrainian woman willing to put up with you long enough to get a plane ticket to the states. If that doesn't work, just tell them you play for the Denver Broncos - what the hell do they know?

For gay people, though, it's a whole different ball game. If you accept that maybe 5% of society is gay, that excludes 95% of potential relationship material. So if you happen to be fat or ugly, your chances of finding your soul mate are significantly reduced, because your dating pool is so much smaller.

Even if you're good looking in a gay friendly city like Madison it has to be hard to find potential partners. First of all, it has to be daunting to introduce yourself to some dude when you aren't even completely sure if he's on the level. Doing so could blow your cover and cause some embarrassing situations. You could solely frequent gay bars, but I imagine you'd end up hanging out with pretty much the same crowd regularly. I also imagine competition for a good looking partner is pretty fierce, since there are fewer to choose from.

But imagine growing up ugly and gay in Beaver Dam, for instance. In smaller cities, it's conceivable that you could be rejected by all your potential lovers in the span of a week. Even if you were thin and attractive, you'd have a better chance of being hit by a Boeing 737 while jumping on a trampoline than finding a same-sex partner. If you're ugly, the gayest your Friday night is going to get is by gazing at Tom Selleck's mustache on "Magnum P.I." re-runs at home by yourself.

This isn't to say, of course, that gays look solely at appearance when choosing their partners. Thankfully for straight people that look like me, we can be talented at other things that trick women into thinking we're worthwhile. We can be rich, join a band, play sports, pretend we care about the poor, grow our hair long, or whatever (I am particularly talented at determining whether someone has a mustache or not - call it "Stache-Dar.")

I'm sure the same is true for gays looking for love, but I have no idea what tricks work best. Being in a band seems to be a good one (hell, I might even take a crack at R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe if given a shot), but otherwise, I have no idea. But whatever "inner you" you intend to unleash on a potential partner, you're chances of finding someone willing to take a chance on you is significantly less than if you were straight. Even reasonably ugly straight people are occasionally able to find time to preserve the sanctity of the traditional one night stand.

So cheer up, fat and ugly gay people. I have recognized your conundrum, and plan to push for a telethon to raise money for your cause.

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: Brad Pitt is a genius, and I apologize for underestimating him all these years. As you may have seen, he has vowed not to marry Angelina Jolie until "everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."

This is an inspired work of genius. Every man around the country who is being nagged by their girlfriend to get married can now just say they are taking a principled stand on an important cultural issue.

Girlfriend: "When are you going to propose to me?"

Boyfriend (half asleep, face down on couch): "Yeah, I'm uh... like, taking a stand in favor of gay marriage or something. We must remain vigilant, despite the long odds. Solidarity, sister."

Girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't know you were so political."

Boyfriend: (farts)