Sunday, August 06, 2006

Pimpled Teenage Virgins Fight for More Contraception

Verona - Pimpled area teen Josh Miller today expressed his support for the federal Family Planning Waiver program, which provides free birth control to all girls over the age of 15. "My parents won't even let me watch Cinemax, so I'll be damned if I'm going to blow it when a girl wants to come to my 'pants party,'" said Miller.

Miller has joined with other homely virgins in advocating for increased government-sponsored birth control. A group of horny teenage boys showed up at the Capitol this week to testify against a bill that would raise the minimum age for free taxpayer birth control for girls from 15 to 18. "The State Legislature can't possibly understand the turmoil in my pants," said Alejandro Rivera, 15, of Mt. Horeb. "It's hard enough to get a girl to charm my trouser snake as it is, without Glenn Grothman screwing things up," he said. Rivera said he hasn't been this disappointed since he witnessed the appalling lack of nudity in "National Lampoon's Dorm Daze," appearing on Showtime this month.

Miller conceded that he thought he had a sexual experience when playing "Tomb Raider" on his XBox, but he wasn't sure. In his spare time, he enjoys thinking about sex, talking about sex, and coming up with new phrases to describe sex that he hopes will catch on in his high school. "It's just a matter of time before 'pound the pootie' catches fire," said Miller.

Miller said his ultimate goal is to one day become an anonymous part time political blogger. "Those guys get loads of tail," he said. Miller believes that one day he will be able to score a supermodel or a movie star, or if he's really lucky, a local TV anchor. As for now, he noted, he can't even score a tomboy who is secretly in love with him but who helps him try to get a date with a popular girl, only to have him eventually realize that he should have been with his tomboy friend all along. "I think that was in a movie my parents liked," he said.

Miller said he believes he is close to finally losing his virginity, and the absence of burth control makes that nearly impossible. "Tom McDuffie said I could borrow his van, and I've got my 'Smooth Booty Jamz' mix CD all ready to go," said Miller. "Now all I need is a fine lady with low self-esteem," he added.