Wednesday, August 16, 2006

NFL Criticized for Lack of Eskimo Head Coaches

New York - Stinging from criticism that it doesn't employ enough Eskimo football coaches, the NFL today instituted a policy that requires each team to give an Eskimo a token, insulting job interview each time a position opens up. "The new NFL is all about diversity," said new commissioner Roger Goodell

The hapless Kansas City Chiefs, who haven't been to the Super Bowl since 1970, took the first step towards diversity in firing new head coach Herm Edwards and replacing him with Keelut Tekkeitsertok from Ninilchik, Alaska. Edwards had routinely taken the New York Jets to the playoffs during his tenure as head coach, while Tekkeitsertok is known as a decent ice fisherman.

In the Chiefs' first practice, Tekkeitsertok demonstrated a new move seldom seen in the modern NFL, which involved taking a harpoon and driving it through the heart of a defensive lineman. "Revolutionary," said Pro Bowl tight end Tony Gonzalez, who has himself been killing fantasy teams for nearly a decade.

Despite the Chiefs' new commitment to diversity, not everyone is satisfied with the hiring. "It's a complete smokescreen to judge how we are doing as a nation by how many minorities get head football coaching jobs," said outspoken conservative The A&W Root Beer Bear. "We don't need more Eskimo NFL head coaches - we need more Eskimo doctors, lawyers, computer programmers, and CEOs," said the Bear.

During the Chiefs' first game of the week, Tekkeitsertok not only coached, but provided the halftime entertainment by clubbing a baby seal to death at midfield while the crowd cheered wildly. He reportedly will be paid four pelts per year for the next three years.

UPDATE: Right on cue, the NFL gets its diversity report card.