Monday, August 21, 2006

Green Promises to Please You Like Your Man Can't

(Green Bay) - In a stunning development, gubernatorial candidate Mark Green today vowed to take care of voters in a way that is impossible by their current man. "I know you've had your heart broken, baby," whispered Green. "I don't want you to sit alone on election day, thinking you could have had it better all along," added Green.

Green's promise to please voters "one by one" is an unusual tactic for a gubernatorial campaign. It is believed that the last time this strategy was used was in 1902, where Iowa's future Governor Farley McBain vowed to "rattle the wooden teeth" out of rural voters.

Green's campaign, however, said this strategy had been thoroughly poll tested before they rolled it out today. "Our polling says that 54% of Wisconsin voters are sobbing to themselves quietly by the phone, petting their cats, waiting for the right man to come by," said Campaign Manager Mark Graul.

"I can give you what you need better than your current man," Green growled at his press conference before ripping off his shirt. "You and me have a lot in common. Maybe you should just sit down while I give you a back rub and a Courvoisier and ginger ale. See, there you go. What's that? You want a footrub, too? I can do that - because your man can't please you like this. He just doesn't understand you like I do. Come here and sit on my lap and tell me all about it while I wipe your tears away. That's it. Nice and slow. How about you and me head off to the voting booth together. It'll be nice and quiet there."

"I went to his campaign headquarters for a conference he was holding on the Alternative Minimum Tax," said Susan Doucette, 29, of Allouez. "Before I know it, he's pulling out his love oils and putting 'Slow Jams of 1989' on," she said. "I mean, I love 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' as much as anyone, but I think it was a bit much," said Doucette.

Governor Jim Doyle, clearly feeling the heat, responded by buying everyone in the state flowers and promised to do the dishes more often.