Thursday, August 17, 2006

Duke Boys Evade Lautenschlager for 132nd Straight Episode

(Shullsburg) - Local serial lawbreakers Bo and Luke Duke remain free tonight, after evading Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager for the 132nd straight week. According to published reports, the Duke Boys are free to roam, as their DNA has been tied up in the state crime lab, which has a significant backlog under the Attorney General.

In this week's episode, the Duke Boys tore through the rural countryside in the General Lee with Lautenschlager's car in hot pursuit. The Boys finally crossed into Illinois, while Lautenschlager shook her fist at them as her car squealed to a halt at the border. In week 67, Lautenschlager was unable to personally pursue the Duke Boys, as Cooter had secretly removed the starter wire while fixing the AG's state car. Cletus received the state contract after donating $5,000 (confederate) to Jim Doyle's campaign.

It is widely believed that the Duke Boys were getting close to exposing Lautenschlager's bootleg moonshine operation when the most recent pursuit commenced. The Attorney General has often been seen sampling some of her own product while careening around Hazzard County roads. In the last episode, Lautenschlager's car jumped a bridge that was out, plummeted off a 50 foot cliff, and drove through a wall of fire, while her car sustained no damage.

Lautenschlager's democratic primary opponent, Dane County Executive Kathleen Falk, today announced her own plan to tackle the moonshine problem. Falk believes that we should first let everyone in the state get hooked on moonshine, then create a massive new government program to treat everyone for thir addiction. "In order for treatment to be effective for the most number of people, we must first make sure there are enough criminals selling moonshine," said Falk, while cuddling a baby squirrel. Falk also cited a need to catch the Duke Boys because of the hazardous emissions being produced by the General Lee.

The Duke Boys have been cooperative, vowing to provide DNA samples to every sexy lady that they can find.

This post was narrated by Waylon Jennings.