Thursday, August 03, 2006

Doyle Announces Opposition to Skinny Chicks

Madison - In his boldest pander yet, Governor Jim Doyle today announced that he prefers women with "a little meat on their bones." "For too long we have ignored the needs of the Big 'n Sexy Women in our society," said Doyle, adding "if we can just get the women of Wisconsin to put down their crullers long enough to go vote, we can make real progress in the struggle for equal rights for the full-bootied."

Doyle's announcement sent shock waves through the political world, as Doyle's wife Jessica is known for her diminuitive figure. "We've been dealing with her bad habit of eating a sensible, balanced diet for a while now," said Doyle. The Governor mentioned his new proposal to change the name of his wife's program from "Where in Wisconsin is Jessica Doyle?" to "Where in Wisconsin is Jessica Doyle Inhaling a Plate of Fried Cheese Curds?"

Doyle's olive branch to the Chunky Vixen community has drawn nationwide rave reviews. Jerome Henton of the More to Love Institute in Independence, Kansas believes Doyle's pander is groundbreaking. "I've never seen a candidate reach out and touch chubby women in this way before, but it's usually because they're covered in ranch dressing," said Henton.

Doyle has recently become known for his over the top pandering. He has told voters that he can help bring down gas prices, when in fact there is nothing he can do to affect the market. He has also promised cures for sick people that are at least a decade away, and proposed a committee to look at ways to keep down health care costs. The committee's report, of course, is due on December 1st - right after the November gubernatorial election.

Doyle's gubernatorial opponent, Congressman Mark Green, immediately jumped on Doyle's blatant pandering. "Sure, we all occasionally enjoy a full figured woman," said Green. "But even women that are skinny like men who don't like skinny women, because no woman actually thinks they're skinny," he said, adding "Liking fatties shows sensitivity."

Following his announcement, a poll was taken that showed Doyle's positives had jumped to 45% among Wisconsin women. The same poll showed that 35% of Wisconsin women disapprove of the job Doyle is doing, while 20% were too lazy to get off their fat asses and answer the phone.