Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Area Homosexual Announces Plans to Remain in Closet

Madison - In a stunning announcement, local homosexual Pat Cleveland today announced that he would be remaining in the closet. Cleveland has been urged by his friends and family to "come out" since last week, when former *N'SYNC member Lance Bass rocked the world with the unexpected announcement that he was, in fact, gay.

"I have a job that I have to keep," said Cleveland at a press conference. "I'm not a millionaire singer who never has to work again," he said. Cleveland announced that the sexuality of his partner, Lance Fontana, would also remain a secret. "Lance would kill me if the guys down at the wastewater treatment plant knew he was gay," said Cleveland. Fontana was unavailable for comment, as he was at ACE Hardware purchasing rat poison.

A local gay and lesbian group, Gays Touching Wisconsin, criticized Cleveland's decision, saying that he shouldn't be ashamed of keeping his sexual preference a secret. The group has been trying to institute a statewide social policy known as "gay until further notice," in which everyone in Wisconsin is presumed gay until they come out and declare their heterosexuality. "We're really hoping Kathleen Falk forgets to file the paperwork, because that is one good looking man," said GTW spokesman Corky Rockwell.

Cleveland said he will be relieved to go back to work with his personal secret intact. He said he and Fontana will be happy to return to the normal world, where their relationship poses a fatal threat to otherwise healthy heterosexual marriages.