Wednesday, July 26, 2006

New Brewer Chorizo Sausage Deported

Milwaukee - In a surprise yet mouth-watering twist, the Milwaukee Brewers have had to cancel their plans to add a Chorizo to their sausage races, after it was found that their Mexican sausage was an undocumented refugee in this country. INS Officer Steve McCabe, when asked about the actions taken against the Chorizo, said "the last time I 'deported' a chorizo, I had to call Roto Rooter." Documents show that during interrogation, federal officials grilled the Chorizo slowly for about 20 minutes before he was sent back to Mexico.

The Brewers hired the Chorizo to run in the sausage races, and agreed to pay 43 cents an hour. Additionally, the club was going to make him mow the lawn in between games. Down in the minor leagues, there was once an incident where a player mockingly hit the Chorizo with a bat. The Chorizo then pulled out a blade and knifed the player to death, to the delight of the crowd.

A background check on the Chorizo found that he was smuggled over the U.S./Mexico border in 1999, packed into a box of 36 other assorted sausages. Once in America, he did several odd jobs, including a stint in poorly lit films such as "Chorizo Grande," the exotic pool boy.

Later, the Chorizo became more politically active, participating in "a day without encased meats," in which 24,000 Wisconsinites died of malnutrition. Things got rough at one of the rallies, where police chased him with a vat of boiling water. The Chorizo joined the group Voces de la Relish, who already had planned protests if the Chorizo didn't win enough sausage races.

This isn't the first time trouble has erupted amongst the sausages. Many fans recall 2003, when the bad blood among sausages boiled over and the Italian sausage was caught planting a horse's head in the Hot Dog's bed. In the 2004 season, the bratwurst got drunk and invaded the Polish sausage's home, urinating on all of his plants. Last year, DEA agents raided the Hot Dog's home and found a whole room full of ecstasy and marijuana, which explains why he wears sunglasses during the day.

The move to hire the Chorizo was an attempt by the Brewers to lure more Latino fans to the ballpark, which the team decided was a more cost effective strategy than actually fielding a competitive team. Next year, the Brewers will add another mascot to honor the vibrant fat white people community in Milwaukee.