Monday, July 24, 2006

Doyle: Stem Cells Hold Promise for Curing Dying Campaign

Madison (AP) - Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle announced a stunning scientific breakthrough that allows embryonic stem cells to be used to revive an ailing campaign. "We here in Wisconsin have pioneered a procedure that gives life to the most frail and vulnerable political campaigns," said Doyle, whose administration has been swamped by criminal ethical problems.

Doyle himself has been part of a human cloning experiment where travel company Craig Adelman was cloned ten times. As a result of the experiment, Doyle was able to raise an additional $100,000 for his campaign from the team of Adelman clones. Unfortunately, since there weren't ten state travel contracts to trade away, Doyle gave each one of them an unsigned picture of the San Diego Chicken.

"We need to have a kinder and more thoughtful policy on stem cell research," said Doyle. "It will bring comfort to the families of sick kids to know that when they die, the memory of their disease helped me win re-election," added Doyle. The Governor noted that while no procedure actually currently exists to cure anyone through embryonic stem cell therapy, his fundraising has never been healthier.

When told about gubernatorial candidate Mark Green's concerns about human cloning, Doyle quickly dismissed the criticisms. He noted 100% of Green's contributions have come from individuals who were previously embryos, and were therefore tainted. "We need to address this issue in a mature way," said Doyle, adding "the only thing that can really help these sick children is rigorous research, serious experimentation, and cramming the words 'Mark Green' and 'George Bush' in as many sentences as possible."

When told that adult stem cells, and not embryonic cells, have actually been used in procedures to help sick people, Doyle quickly took a large bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.