Thursday, June 01, 2006

Local Anchor Upset at Lack of Stalker

(Madison) – Local WKOW anchor Christa Dubill today announced that she would be accepting applications for a crazy person to become her personal stalker. Dubill expressed her irritation that nobody had yet come forward to serve as her stalker, despite her tenure as the station’s premier female news anchor.

“All of the groundbreaking female anchors throughout history have had some delusional individual on their tail,” said Dubill. “What’s wrong with me? I check my e-mail every day, and nothing. It’s all women wanting to talk about their babies and crap like that.”

“I work my tail off on the newscasts, and that hussy Elizabeth Hopkins gets all the good stalker mail,” Dubill complained. “It’s all ‘I want to touch your booty’ this, and ‘I want to test your melons’ that. Why doesn’t anyone want to touch my booty?” asked Dubill.

Hopkins admitted she has gotten plenty of stalker e-mail, but clarified that 72% of it is comprised offers to “love you down” by a “P. Barrows” at the University of Wisconsin.

Dubill noted that Channel 27 weatherman and stone-cold lover Bob Lindmeier has a bus full of adoring female fans waiting for him at the end of every broadcast. Lindmeier has said that he provides each member of his female fan club with the “4 minute guarantee.” His popularity has grown in recent years, since the weather forecast now takes up 28 minutes of a 30 minute news broadcast.

"What better story could there be than me hunting down my own stalker?" said Dubill. "I'm tired of sitting behind this desk reading all the dopey news that other people write for me," she said. "This could be my big break," she said.

A controversy arose recently when Channel 3 editoral director Neil Heinen was bragging about his stalker, and it was discovered that "chubbyluvn3000@hotmail.com" was actually Heinen sending e-mails to himself. The plot was uncovered when police failed to believe than anyone other than Heinen himself could understand his ridiculously disjointed, hot air editorials.

Potential stalker Oscar Kreutzer, 27, when reached in his parents' basement for comment, said he’s been too busy making paper mache dolls of Becky Hiller to be sidetracked.