Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Death Hits the Campaign Trail in Support of Referendum

Madison (AP) - Noted Prince of Darkness Death today announced he would be touring Wisconsin in support of the November statewide referendum to reinstate the death penalty. "Death really has been in kind of a slump lately," said Death. "We need to rethink how we're doing things in Wisconsin, or open more hang gliding parks, one or the other," he said. "Death can really be a growth industry with a little government help," said the Reaper, citing the millions of dollars in economic development corpses can help stimulate.

Death said that since the Legislature began passing bills like the one requiring car seats for all children up to age 20, there hasn't been much business. "Back when people were responsible for their own safety, there was plenty of activity out there," said Death. "Now, I just sit around and play Sudoku all day," he added.

Advocacy groups are concerned that re-instating the death penalty will give Death a monopoly on a valuable state service. In 2003, a scandal broke out when it was discovered that Death made a $10,000 contribution to Governor Doyle's campaign in exchange for the lucrative death contract. Previous to getting the contract, Death specialized in visiting people at the mall who offer to rub lotion on you and stabbing them in the eyes.

Death has had a long history in politics, beginning in 1971 when he held a steady job at Planned Parenthood. After inventing the Culver's butter burger, he became General Manager of the Milwaukee Brewers throughout the '90s, where he single handedly euthanized the organization for a decade. He recently has been hired by the Doyle campaign as campaign manager, and has immediately applied his delicate touch, as evidenced by Doyle's plummeting poll numbers. His past campaigns have been somewhat unsuccessful, as anyone that shook his hand immediately dropped dead, which is a trick he learned from Kathleen Falk.

Death cut his press conference short, as he received 31 simultaneous calls requesting an emergency visit from boyfriends at Star Cinema who were forced to see "Failure to Launch." Death said he needed to stop by the UW stem cell lab to pick up some embryos before he paid a visit to Joan Rivers. "I'm a busy man," he said, noting he was hung over last week and missed an appointment with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.