Wednesday, May 24, 2006

UW Diversity Plan Aims to Attract More Midgets

(Madison)-The University of Wisconsin System today announced a new “diversity” plan that would allow admissions officers to take into account an applicant’s height when making an entrance determination.

“For too long, tall people have had access to higher education in this state,” said Larry Rubin, the system's assistant vice president for completely ridiculous bullsh**. “We want a campus ethnically representative of America,” said Rubin, before noting that he would have to kick 3,000 Asians off campus to make that happen. "The best way to eradicate prejudice is to practice it, just against the right kind of people," said Rubin.

One student that welcomes the change is Paddy O’Shaugnessy, a little person who believes his 1.7 high school GPA should be enough to get him into the UW-Platteville. “Regardless of intelligence, academic qualifications, or work ethic, what really matters is my height,” said O’Shaugnessy. “It is clear that I can’t be expected to actually study and learn, given the systematic discrimination against people under four feet tall throughout history,” he said.

The announcement was made during a nationwide push for more diversity in America’s workplaces. Last week, the National Football League instituted a rule that requires an Eskimo to coach at least one game per team next year. In a show of support, the NBA has given its MVP award to a little white guy that doesn't play any defense each of the last two years.

The UW System has taken its hits for lack of diversity in the past. In 2000, the UW-Madison was criticized for discreetly photoshopping a picture of a dwarf onto the cover of its undergraduate catalog. The university later had to reprint over 100,000 copies of the magazine at a cost of $64,000, because of the decision made by Diversity Dean Paul Barrows. Barrows was an expert at photo altering software, as he spent most of the time in his office cropping Lindsay Lohan’s head onto pictures of naked women riding horses.

In 2002, the UW-Madison spent $6,000 on a program designed to attract gay and lesbian students to their campus, in the name of “diversity.” “Is there any campus in the United States that is more accommodating to LGBT students?” said a homophobic white guy. “Getting gay students to go to Madison is about as hard as getting Britney Spears pregnant,” said the insensitive honky.

Detractors of the new program, all of whom are bigots, point to the fact that the problem isn’t that dwarves can’t get into statewide campuses, there just aren’t enough applications. They point out that there are lower expectations of dwarves in grade school, and that few dwarves are willing to leave their home environments to attend campuses like UW-Whitewater or UW-Oshkosh. In fact, say the racists, the UW launched the “Diversity 2008” plan in 1998, with only negative results so far. The #1 goal of this program was to increase the number of dwarf applications to the UW System.

In fact, UW-Madison has 45 diversity programs available to current and prospective students, including some that are so valuable, they are led by administrators who don’t show up for work for seven months and nobody notices.

Rubin said the influx of little people would also be a cost saving measure, as midgets require about half as many professors, and they can pack six to a dorm room, if they lay end to end.

"This reverse racism is unbearable," said white people, before they settled in on their comfy couches to watch the American Idol finale.