Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Madison Police Release Sketch of Downtown Mugger


By Phil Brinkman, Wisconsin State Journal Reporter

Madison police today released a sketch of the individual they believe to be responsible for over 14 muggings in the downtown area this year. "The perpetrator is believed to be between zero and 400 years old, and stands between 6 inches and 12 feet tall," said Police Chief Noble Wray. Papa Smurf was immediately released from custody, as he is 542 years old and stands only three apples high.

It took weeks for Madison Police to release this vital demographic information about the perpetrator, as they reportedly were worried about the negative effects releasing a description might have on Stick Figure Americans. "The race of the mugger really isn't relevant," said Wray. "What's really important is that the victims are mostly white," said Wray, noting that nobody really cares if any crime happens on the poor Allied Drive, but it looks like the Hurricane Katrina relief effort when a crazy white girl gets lost in swamp.

"It's really nobody's business who might attack you with a deadly weapon," said Wray, adding, "we need at least 300 muggings to take place to really get an idea of who we're dealing with." Wray said there were no leads, but David Hasselhoff had been brought in for questioning - not because he's connected to the crime, just because he really wanted to meet David Hasselhoff.

The importance of Stick Figure Americans was illustrated last week during a rally known as "A Day Without Stick Figures," when they were urged not to come to work. Mass confusion ensued, as traffic and bathroom signs were rendered incomprehensible. In one particularly ugly incident, a group of third grade boys wandered into an unmarked Capitol bathroom to find Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager on the throne "issuing a subpoena."

Little else is known about the perpetrator, other than he strongly supports Kathleen Falk for Attorney General.