Thursday, April 20, 2006

MPS Boys Score #1 in Nation on Female Anatomy Tests

Milwaukee (AP) - Thanks to a new program that provides free wireless internet service in the homes of all Milwaukee Public School students, MPS boys have become instant experts in female anatomy, tests show. "The new program has provided previously disadvantaged boys the opportunity to develop their minds, their research skills, and the muscles in their right wrists," said MPS Superintendent William Andrekopoulos.

"At first, I thought I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, but now I know I can make a good living as a gynecologist," said Herman Johnson, 11. Johnson's mother has said that Herman now spends all of his time locked in his room, rather than partaking in his favorite hobby of throwing bricks at his brother.

Aaron Jenkins, 16, said his guidance counselor told him he was on track to earn his GED and get a good job in manufacturing before the new free internet program was instituted. "Now, it looks like I'll have enough credits to earn my 'Booty Inspector' degree from an offshore school in just a couple weeks," said Jenkins.

"The free wireless internet program is perfect for everyone, especially the poor who don't even have computers," said MPS director of technology James Davis. "Studies have shown that just having the internet hooked up to your house makes you much smarter than either reading books or having two parents," said Davis. "It makes total sense to set up wireless internet for people who don't even have enough money to pay for a phone line, and saying that doesn't make me look like a complete idiot at all," said Davis.

In an independent test, MPS boys were able to describe the female anatomy in great detail after just one week of having the valuable educational tool in their homes. However, only one in twelve boys were aware females had any body parts above the "shoulders" or below the "knees." 96% of the boys thought women were born with high heels and cigarette burns, while another 80% of the boys believed they were going blind.

The test results come as good news to a school district besieged by one of the nation's lowest graduation rates. "This is a half a million dollars well spent, given our tight budget," said Andrekopoulos. "We tried the whole 'teachers and books' thing for a while, but it was hard because a lot of the students couldn't read or write," he said. "What's the point in giving a kid a book if he can't read it?" he added.

The only boy to score poorly on the test, of course, is your son, who has bookmarked Cher's Wikipedia entry on your computer.