Sunday, April 09, 2006

J.J. Hardy, Kurt Cobain, and My Predictions

"Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn baseball."
Jacques Barzun (American Historian, 1907 - )

The Brewers are 5-0. Let me type that again, in case I am hallucinating. The Brewers are 5-0. Their magic number: 157.

This puts me in a very odd place. As a Brewer fan, I have become so accustomed to self pity and loathing, that I'm not sure exactly how to react to the Brewers actually having a pulse. Nirvana has a song that has the refrain "I miss the comfort in being sad." That is actually how I feel - my world doesn't make any sense anymore. Next thing you know, George Clooney will show some humility, Michael Moore will be spotted eating a salad, and there will be an oscar-winning movie about gay cowboys.

Wait, that last one happened?

In order to return to my comfort zone, I have to complain about one thing. How un-American is it for the baseball teams themselves to own the announcers that call the games? Daron Sutton seems like a fine enough guy, but his forced chipper attitude kills me. If J.J. Hardy ever turned an unassisted triple play, he might spontaneously combust in an orgasmic tornado. Think Hardy ever gets sick of Sutton asking him to join him for a drink in his hot tub after every game?

On opening day, Prince Fielder took the prestigious "golden sobrero," going 0-for-4 with four strikeouts. Sutton's reaction? "Prince will be happy with his day because he played great defense." Huh? That's like saying Tom DeLay will be happy with his year because he never woke up, hung over, next to Bea Arthur.

This would be like Congress owning the news networks that cover them. I mean, really - wouldn't Daron Sutton be a great newscaster on Al-Jazeera?

Coming to you live on Al-Jazeera, it's Daron Sutton with some breaking news. It appears that Saddam Hussein has just gassed about 20,000 women and children. You know what that means, people - there will be a lot less traffic on the way in to work today! Thank you, Saddam!

I realize I'm a miserable fan, but what I want is a broadcaster that actually says what I'm thinking during a game. I need a guy who calls the game with a noose around his neck, just waiting to jump out of the booth and end it all the next time Ben Sheets fails to get a routine bunt down.

Anyway, here are my predictions for the rest of the year:

1. Prince Fielder will get hungry and eat one of the racing sausages during the game.

2. Geoff Jenkins will break in half when wildly swinging at a two strike curveball that he misses by four feet.

3. The Devil will show up at a Brewer game to collect Brady Clark's soul, and replace Clark in centerfield with Heinrich Himmler. Himmler will bat .034 for the rest of the year, but still manage to be more popular than Barry Bonds.

4. Jeff Cirillo will register as a lobbyist with the state of Wisconsin. Within weeks, the legislature will pass a bill mandating Jeff Cirillo gets to play in 10% of all games this year.

5. I will take a second mortgage out on my house to be able to afford to two beers at Miller Park, which will fail to earn me Two Fisted Slobber status.

6. Paul Molitor takes "turn back the clock" night too literally when he runs on the field and begins snorting the left foul line.

7. Ben Sheets will spend all but two weeks on the disabled list after experiencing elbow soreness, being mauled in the parking lot by a pack of dingoes, and by contracting monkeypox after a drunken late night out with a female prairie dog.

8. Every Brewer fan will continue to quietly wonder what was so offensive about Bernie's chalet being a giant keg, when the team's name is the BREWERS.

9. American troops will eventuall find Sal Bando, who is believed to be hiding out in a cave in Hustisford.

10. Percentage of people who show up just because "they like the sausages running" will drop from 64% of all attendees to 61%.

11. I will lose a bar argument when I am unable to produce any evidence that Davy Lopes actually ever managed the Brewers.

12. "Complimentary Air Rifle Night" will prove to be the least successful promotion ever.

13. Brewers hold "Prince Fielder for a day" promotion, where all fans under twelve are separated from their fathers and not reunited until they hit .300 for a full season.

14. Come September Sundays, a child in Wisconsin will utter the words, "Aw, do we have to watch the Packers? Aren't the Brewers on?"

15. Final record: 162-0. And that may be pessimistic.


NOTE: This was posted minutes before Sunday's game started, so they may have lost before you read it. Then again, they may have won, which means Satan might want to invest in a parka.

UPDATE: Of course, my post ended up being the kiss of death (either that or I was sitting on an unlucky section of my couch), as the Crew got pasted today. I now must contradict my post and say that I don't feel all that great about the loss.