Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Immi-Grating On My Nerves

I hadn't planned on writing anything regarding immigration, but today's column in the Wisconsin State Journal by Susan Lampert Smith really sets a new low for pandering. In it, she tells the tale of some guy she probably just met at the "Day Without Latinos" march, who she probably never would have given a second thought to on any other day. But given her chance to suck up to illegal immigrants, she jumped at the chance to use this guy as her "cause of the day."

Here's how he got to America:
At age 16, without telling his parents, he got on a bus and started north. At Nogales, on the Arizona border, he followed a group of immigrants and found himself in a store on the U.S. side of the line.

Somehow, I can't remember the last time, I just "got on a bus" and "found myself" in Guadalajara. In fact, this guy knowingly and consciously broke the law. In fact, he broke it at the expense of every one of his fellow countrymen that work their tails off to gain legal citizenship in America.

I would love Susan Lampert Smith to be on my side if I ever cheated on my wife (punishable by death, by the way - trust me, capital punishment exists in the York household). I imagine her column would look like this:
Without telling his wife, Dennis got on a bus and went to Pizzeria Uno. After a couple of drinks, he found himself in a waitress.

Doesn't sound too bad, huh?

Lampert Smith goes on:
His dream would be to travel, to learn about other cultures and work as a photographer.

Oh yeah? I have a great place for him to travel. How about Mexico?

I know, because this guy is such a stand up citizen, it means they all are. I'm sure he was a straight A student and was someday going to cure some horribe illness like Chronic Anal Leakage (and trust me, I'm rooting for him to hurry up with that one.) How fortunate that Susan Lampert Smith didn't just happen to run into a guy who beats his girlfriend with whom he has 3 illegitimate kids. I'm sure that guy totally would have made it into her column.

I'm not even on the far end of the spectrum with regards to illegal immigration. I understand a lot of the meals at restaurants I eat are inexpensive because the dishwashers might be paid in cash. Illegal immigrants obviously fill a need where cheap labor is necessary. But they are illegal, and I agree with proposals that would give them a drop dead date to file their papers or go back to their country of origin.

By the way, I have a theory that illegal immigrants are much better cooks than legal immigrants. Think about it - they are literally cooking for their lives. If their beans and rice stink, they could be on a bus back to their hometown. Nothing like chimichangas with a side of desperation. Delicious.

Anyway, Rich Lowry at the National Review made a great point in a column today, when he said:
Democrats opposed the ratification of the Central America Free Trade Agreement last year for fear that it would undercut American workers made to compete with cheap Latin American labor. The problem the Democrats must have had with this effect on American workers was that it was too indirect. The party now favors importing lots of that same cheap Latin American labor directly into the United States.
I would actually favor a proposal to grant amnesty to all 11 million illegal immigrants, in exchange for exporting 11 million people of my choosing. Among those people, would be:

1. Hippies

2. People who ride their bikes to work (A.K.A - "The Spandex Mafia")

3. George Clooney

4. People who when a new cash register opens up and the clerk says "who's next," walk from the BACK of the previous line and check out, even though it's obvious you had been waiting for 15 minutes.

5. Smelly Europeans who think they can do all the cool things white people can do just because they look like us. You can't trust anyone from a country that didn't exist when Milli Vanilli won a grammy.

6. The creator of "Girls Gone Wild" (but leave the girls).

7. Anyone considering selling drugs to my daughter in the future (if they don't give us a family discount).

8. Dr. 90210.

Even swap. Whaddya say?


SIDE NOTE: Sorry this got so long - it appears I have oral leakage, as well.