Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Future Smokers Protest Smoking Ban



Madison... Today a group of five-year-old future smokers rallied at city hall to protest the city's draconian anti-smoking policy. "When I grow up and start a three pack a day habit, I want to be able to eat wherever I want," said Elijah Stevens, a kindergartener. "I mean, I lit up at Chucky Cheese the other day and they got all up in my grill," said Stevens.

Madison's ordinance, passed several months ago, forbids anyone in a restaurant or a bar from smoking, using chewing tobacco, saying the word "cigarette" out loud, or dressing like the Marlboro Man (specifically for the Rainbow Room). "People need to be protected from other people that are partaking in a perfectly legal activity on private property," said Mayor Dave Cieslewicz. "It's not like people actually have a choice of what restaurants in which to eat," said Cieslewicz, chowing down on his government-issued Plazaburger.

"Mommy said there's nothing like going to the bars, getting hammered and smoking like a chimney when she's picking up men," said Stacy Murray, who has never met her father. "She says lighting up a cigarette at a bar is a great conversation starter," said Murray, noting that such "conversations" have led to six brothers and sisters from her leathery mother.

Emily Anderson, 5, said she is looking forward to entering Marlboro's "Nico-Teen" program, which teaches pre-teens to be responsible smokers. "Nothing is more important than filling your young healthy lungs up with thick black tar in a responsible way," said Anderson while cleaning her pistol.

Recently, children's programming has come under criticism for glorifying smoking. PBS has seen its taxpayer funding drop, so they have had to find funds elsewhere. This explains why Snuffleupagus was recently seen puffing on a Newport and The Count was counting down the days before he died of lung cancer.

Stevens said he was close to collecting enough camel cash for a "Tracheotomy Elmo."