Sunday, April 30, 2006

"Elimidate" and the Fall of Civilization

Although I spent most of my weekend mesmerized by the NFL Draft, I had the good fortune to catch a special one hour "Elimidate" on Saturday night. As a result, I may not be posting at all for the next week, as I will be in the shower scrubbing myself clean until next Saturday. I think I can say without hyperbole that Eliminate will lead to the fall of civilization.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of watching an Elimidate episode, it goes something like this:

A musclehead doused in equal parts hair product and self-tanner goes on a date with four women who are growing more bacteria than the UW biological science lab. These scantily clad women feign interest in this complete dope for a chance to be on TV, ripping each others' appearance, weight, hygiene, etc. in an attempt to gain more screen time. The producers, of course, throw in plenty of alcohol, which makes for a highly combustible cocktail of tattoos, bad teeth, sexual double entendres, and a shocking paucity of dignity and college degrees. In the end, he has to pick between this collection of future single mothers, based almost entirely on who has the best jugs.

It's almost like porn, except it's a lot worse, since there's a lot of talking and no nudity.

The main problem with the show is that it completely goes against human nature. Anyone who has ever studied male/female relations knows that men are in constant competition for women. There are actually anthropological roots to this - something about men having an infinite number of sperm and women only having a finite number of eggs, so women are much more in demand. Sounds crazy, but I actually took a class in college on it - look it up.

There has never been a situation where four women are all after the same (non-famous) guy. There are plenty of situations where a bunch of guys are after the same girl (and some of the shows are one girl and a bunch of guys). For men to be able to get any woman they want, they either have to be Brad Pitt or an anonymous blogger. OK, scratch the last one. Of course, every woman has figured out that all they need to possess to get any man they want is an Altoid and about 3 minutes.

I look forward to seeing my next episode of Elimidate just a little less than I look forward to the death of my puppy dog. The good news about the show is that all of these contemptible people live in Los Angeles (the birthplace of 90% of everything that is objectionable in the world), so they can continue to infect each other with whatever groundbreaking venereal science projects they contract.