Sunday, April 09, 2006

Attention Madison Singles

Even though I've been off the market for a while now, I still think I can offer the kids some dating advice from time to time.

On Friday after work I ventured to the Shorewood Hills Copps to get some hot sauce. (It's a long story - I was caught on Thursday with a plate of chicken wings and no hot sauce, and I threw a fit. That fit led me to try to fry the wings, and I almost burned my house down.) And let me tell you, single guys, the Shorewood Hills Copps on Fridays are a gold mine. You would be well advised to wait until Friday to do your shopping.

So I figure you could employ a couple of different strategies here:

Strategy 1: Get a cart and put a bottle of wine, a baguette, and some flowers in it, and just walk around the store nodding at women. This signals that you already have a girlfriend, which turns you into a walking birdfeeder for women. If they think you are already attached, then it means that at least someone can tolerate you and you likely aren't a serial killer (or anonymous blogger). If a woman can stand you, that puts you in the top, like 8% of all men. Of course you don't actually buy any of the crap in your cart, you just put it all back when you're done making the "pimp daddy power lap" through the store.

Of course, if this strategy is successful, you will need a nimble back story about why you don't actually have a girlfriend. Something better than "she was eaten by hyenas" or "she speaks to me from the beyond."

Strategy 2: Fill your cart with complete garbage, like pizza rolls, hot pockets, chips, Count Chocula, and beer. This is the "cry for help" strategy - it shows that you are completely pathetic, but you are also a diamond in the rough. Just walk through the aisles with an "all of these different flavors of potato chips are confusing me" look. Any man that eats nothing but junk food is just begging for a woman to come into their lives and mold them into a lovin' machine. You're like the sad puppy at the kennel just waiting to love someone. And trust me, there's no shortage of women anxiously awaiting the chance to tell you what to do every minute of your life.

This strategy is best employed by those not looking for a long term relationship, or those looking for a glimpse of what marriage is like.

Strategy 3: Load your cart up with "the ultimate party pack" - a box of condoms, two 40 ounce bottles of Mickey's malt liquor, and a pack of Hall's mentholyptus cough drops (don't ask - an old fraternity joke. A Google search will give you what you need). This is known as the "swinging for the fences" strategy, as any woman that finds this collection of sundries attractive is guaranteed to be wearing one of your t-shirts and eating cocoa puffs in your apartment at 3 AM. Of course, you can't go to her house, as it is most likely a meth lab. However, there is a 98% chance you will strike out (but that 2% - hold on, daddy!). Do not expect to ever see this woman again, unless it is on "Madison's Most Wanted" on the City Channel. Best to schedule an appointment at the UW Health clinic before you even go to Copps. And frame the receipt.

So go to work, guys. I'm telling you, it's worth the trip. And if all of the above fail, just give Jenna a call.