Monday, March 20, 2006

A Totally Gay Editorial

After taking a rest from break dancing practice today, I wandered onto the internet and read this editorial, entitled "My Gay Marriage," by Amanda Seligman. At first, I thought I had wandered on to the website of some support group for crazy people, but further checking verified that it was, in fact, printed in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

I can't remember the Journal Sentinel editorial page containing a column so unhinged. Can you imagine the chances of a column this ridiculously incoherent being printed if it was someone writing to the MJS in favor of, say, concealed carry or the death penalty?

The editorial begins:

I am a woman married to a man, and I am starting to get embarrassed about it.
As official spokesman for heterosexual marriage, Amanda, let me be the first to say - you embarrass us, too. It continues:

When I got married seven years ago, there were two things that I wanted for my wedding. First, I wanted kids there. Second, I wanted my wedding to be one that counted no less, and no more than, the unions that gay men and lesbian women celebrate with their partners.

I gave serious thought to not getting legally married, even though I knew that my fiancé was the person I wanted to grow old with. I did not want to participate in an institution that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation.
As a white woman, I would never be willing to join a club that rejected people of color. How could I, in good conscience, marry a man when I would be unable to marry my partner if it turned out I loved a woman instead?

What? First of all, you know she's lying because there isn't a woman in America that wants children to be at her wedding. They cry, they poop, and they disrupt. And where was she going to get these children? Just go around to the orphanges and round them up?

So she clearly doesn't like the fact that gay marriage already appears to be illegal. And she wants to keep her options open in case she gets all Ann Heche on us and decides she wants to play for the other team. And she thinks that heterosexual marriage is... somehow... invalid... because gay marriage is invalid? Whatever semantic gymnastics she thinks she has to go through to make herself seem more tolerant, than so be it.

I hope she takes a similar stand with regard to suffrage and refuses to vote because felons aren't allowed to vote in Wisconsin. Fight the power, Mandy.

This is an extreme argument, even for gay rights proponents. The most extreme argument you generally hear is that the constitutional amendment is mean spirited because gay marriage is already illegal in Wisconsin. In fact, I believe a bill has been introduced in the state legislature to go the other way and legalize same sex marriages - I would love for John Gard to bring that bill up for a vote and watch it go down by a 94-5 vote. Amanda Seligman would be on the short end of that one - even the gay Teletubby would be like, "that honky's crazy."

My favorite part, though, is when she caps the whole column off with this statement:

Did I make a moral mistake in getting married to the man I love? I am starting to wonder if perhaps I did.

It might come as a surprise to her that her husband is now drafting up a document titled "My Gay Divorce Papers."

Side Note: A friend of mine said, "If I were married to this woman, you would be reading 'My Gay Suicide Note.'"