Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Still Rockin' the Mic Like a Vandal

Thankfully, the Washington Post has read my mind and decided to let the world know what Vanilla Ice has been up to the last few years. Here are a few excerpts from this unbelievable online chat, with my comments attached:

Minneapolis, Minn.: Yo Vanilla -- do you still rock the mic like a vandal?

Vanilla Ice: Oh, of course, that'll never stop. A lot of people don't remember anything since Ice Ice Baby, but I've got 3 records out since then and they're all successes -- but not commercially. All three records are platinum and the latest is called "Platinum Underground" because I can still have a fan base without radio and MTV, because that's not the only way. There's sat radio and Internet.

"All successes, but not commercially." Isn't this like saying the Scott McCallum gubernatorial campaign was a big success because he managed not to expose himself on the campaign trail?

Silver Spring, Md.: What are you currently up to?

Vanilla Ice: I've been really busy, playing over 100 shows per year for the past year. Just got back from Russia and played huge stadiums over there -- 35,000 people a show. They're out of that iron claw thing now, so any American act that plays there is really huge. I played Estonia, all these places that all just got their independence, the whole Baltic region. Oslo, Norway, Amsterdam, and all through Europe, Finland and also played three shows in London and all were huge successes.

Hard hitting question. Let the record show from Ice's own website that in Europe he played places with names like "Club Prive," "Essential Club," "Studio 51," and "Tiger Tiger." In Russia, he played at "Club Marakesh" and at the "Diskoteka" Dance Festival, where, of course, he was one of many acts. Chances 35,000 Russians were in "Club Marakesh:" zero. Can we send him back to France to pollute the music scene there?

Additionally, the fact that he named five Eastern European countries officially makes Vanilla Ice more knowledgeable about international politics than Russ Feingold.

Falls Church, Va.: Who are your primary musical influences? And what's in your iPod right now? What do you think of the state of music today -- would you agree that we lack the innovators who defined the music of the '90s?

Vanilla Ice: My influences are more like underground stuff. Definitely hip hop and funk -- Funkadelic, Rick James, Parliament -- and when those movies came out like "Breaking" with Turbo and Ozone sweeping the floor -- I was heavy into breakdancing back in the day. I never thought anything would come from it. Egyptian Lover came next... pop-locking instead of just breakdancing. I just stuck with it through that whole phase and started battling my high school friends across town and I entered some talent contests on a dare and some talent scouts were in the audience and then went on tour with Iced Tea, EPMD -- the Stop the Violence tour. But after I signed with SPK, pretty much everyone knows the story from there.
Ah, yes - the legendary breakdancing battles on the mean streets of whatever suburb he's from. Isn't it this whole "I'm old school" crap that got him in trouble with black people in the first place? And he considers Parliament and Rick James "underground?" And did he just refer to Ice-T as "Iced Tea?"

I'm sure the blacks he knew growing up (both of them) appreciated his mad break dancing skillz. In fact, if any brother beat him to an inch of within his life for stealing his culture, there's not a jury in America that would convict him.

Clayton, N.C.: Ice - What are your critics saying now? How did you deal with them then versus how do you deal with them now?

Play that funky music...whiteboy!!!

Vanilla Ice: I just kind of shoot the finger to the critics. I don't give a sh-- what a critic says. To me a critic is some loser who has no idea... someone with an opinion. We all have opinions. No offense, but what makes them dictate what is cool and what is not. What gives them the pass to say that their opinion on music or movies or anything is what should be cool and what shouldn't. I don't think it should be up to one person.

I get great reviews from the critics, but based on how two-faced I've seen em be in the past -- the same ones that write good reviews write bad ones, too. Not everyone agrees on music. Some people like rap, some like country -- it's all an opinion. F the critics.

"I get great reviews from the critics." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the critics. His last seven albums, in reverse order: One star, one star, one and a half stars, two stars, two stars, two stars, one star. There are fewer stars on his resume than there are on "Celebrity Fit Club."

From a review of his album "Platinum Underground:"

The descriptions of how poor this album is from start to finish could result in a thesis-length review. The whole concept behind this record should have been aborted during the early sessions.

"Great" reviews. In the same way that herpes is "great."

Washington, D.C.: I think I saw on IMDB that you're married with two kids? How old are they? Do your wife and kids go with you on the road? Do they lead a pretty normal life, go to regular schools and stuff? How do they all deal with your celebrity status?

Vanilla Ice: Yes, it's true and they do go on the road with me every now and then. But it's kind of rough out there... and some of my fans are harder edged... body pierced tattoo folks. My sound has changed. It's still hiphop, but it's more of like a rock/hip-hop show. It's high energy, stage diving, pyrotechnics, girls showing their breasts. It's crazy party atmosphere. My kids are immune to it and they love it, but they try to live as normal of a life as they can. They're in private school and when they come on the road we homeschool then. We try to make it as normal as we can.
Where do you start with this? What level of hell does your soul inhabit if you show your breasts at a Vanilla Ice concert?

And let me get this straight - you're a little kid, you're homeschooled, and your Dad is Vanilla Ice. Does Guinness keep a record for "child with least friends," or "most socially inadequate teenager?" His son is going to be the Tiger Woods of datelessness.

Is Vanilla a big Tom Reynolds fan? During the budget, did Reynolds cave in to the powerful Washed Up Rapper lobby when he proposed the home school tax credit? Are Kid 'n Play going to start lobbying for more SAGE money?
Jefferson City, Mo.: How did the name "Vanilla Ice" originate? Why is the name so focused on your whiteness? Was it a toss-up between "Vanilla Ice" and "Marshmallow Ghost?"
Translation: I am extremely high, and thought "Marshmallow Ghost" was hilarious. I thought I would send it to you to insult you, figuring you are so dumb, you wouldn't know I was insulting you. And I was right. Kudos to you, Mr. Ice. I am smarter high than you are sober. I must go now, as a giant purple crocodile is about to eat my earlobes.

I actually went to his website, vanillaice.com, to listen to sound clips. I can now honestly say that after listening to two clips, I think I am sterile.