Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Jerry Lewis to Hold Telethon for Scott Walker



(Milwaukee) - French royalty Jerry Lewis today announced he would be holding a special telethon to benefit society's least fortunate member, Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker. In March of 2006, Walker was diagnosed with a terminal case of a terrible campaign. "No human should have to go through the injustice of being told that they can't be Governor of Wisconsin," said Lewis. "Forcing him to go back to his crappy job of representing 600,000 people is almost inhumane," said Lewis. "Wisconsin residents are now stuck with a GOP candidate who can actually win," moped Lewis.

The telethon was called in part due to Walker supporters wailing about his unfair treatment during the campaign. "Walker deserves a purple heart for his decision not to make baseless and mean-spirited personal attacks against his opponent," said supporter James Wallace. "Just like I deserve credit for going home every night and not calling my wife a dirty whore," said Wallace. Wallace's dirty whore wife was not available for comment.

Despite being unable to carry on with the campaign, Walker still manages to muster up the strength to respond to bloggers' criticisms of his campaign. "That shows the type of thick skin that would have made him an excellent chief executive," said talk show host Mark Belling. "The fact that he is willing to clarify his positions when nobody gives a damn anymore shows a never say die attitude," said Belling. Belling also pointed to Walker completely screwing up the announcement of his withdrawal as proof he had what it takes to lead our state. "If you can't trust the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel with a secret, who can you trust?" said Belling.

Yesterday, Congressman Mark Green announced a groundbreaking deal with Walker. In return for Walker withdrawing from the campaign, Green agreed to appoint Walker to the newly created position of "The Guy I Beat."