Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Finally, a Man With a Plan to End the War

If you haven't caught any of Republican U.S. Senate candidate Dave Redick's press releases, you truly are depriving yourself of one of life's great pleasures. They are truly the ramblings of a madman. They are a delicious bouillabaisse of non-sequiturs, different fonts, and semi-lucid stream of conscious observations (not unlike my posts). He's like your old uncle that has to register with the state Department of Corrections every time he moves, when he gets drunk and starts spouting off at the mouth.

In particular, check out this release from March 16th, which states:

"Thus, I am proud to announce that I have mailed to President Bush today the draft of a settlement agreement to be used by him to negotiate the end of these wars. This document will be enhanced in the weeks ahead, and resubmitted, as volunteers contribute ideas. Please ‘Join David’ in this worthy project!"

Seeing as how he is taking requests for his peace agreement with Al-Qaeda, I e-mailed his campaign the following:
Dear Future Senator Redick:

Thank you for having the stones to stand up to Republicans in their support of this most unjust and unholy of wars. This position will undoubtedly be what easily propels you through the Republican primary in September, when you will then beat that warmonger Herb Kohl. Your clearly stated and well thought out position on the war will undoubtedly resonate with the voters of this state, and will most certainly offset the tens of millions of dollars, name recognition, and unparallelled popularity Herb Kohl currently enjoys.

In response to your open solicitation for ideas for your peace agreement, I submit the following:

What we need to do is lure Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi to the negotiating table with a peace offering of the Season One "Facts of Life" DVD (U.S. intelligence has picked up that he has a thing for Tootie, pre-braces). When he leans over the table to accept this most valuable of gifts, I propose you punch him in the face really hard and knock him out. You then use a sharpie to draw a convincing beard on yourself and dress yourself in his clothes.

After going back to his terrorist base camp, you must take two weeks to assimilate yourself with the terrorists, so they don't suspect anything. During this time, you must continue to kill American soldiers and blow the limbs off of women and children - but don't worry, because it's for a good cause. Finally, one day you spike all of the terrorists' Red Bull energy drinks with arsenic that you have cleverly hidden in your colon for two weeks.

Senator Redick, it takes a man of superhuman fortitude to carry off a plan this foolproof. I believe you are just that man. May God bless you in your campaign of righteousness.

Stay black,

-Dennis York

I won't "fisk" the rest of his ridiculous release, but I do have to mention his genius in somehow working the Scott Jensen conviction into a rant about Vietnam. And I will end this post with these wise words from Redick:

"An unbiased thinking person can find the REAL REASONS we started these wars with a little research on the Internet."

I think I might also be able to find the necessary forms for involuntary commitment on the internet, too.