Saturday, March 18, 2006

Dennis Pork Found Dead



In unexpected news that spread shock waves through all eight members of the Wisconsin blogosphere, famous blogger Dennis Pork was found dead this evening after celebrating his 2005 "Blog of the Year" award from Wispolitics.com. Pork, who was known for having addictions to alcohol and Carmex, partied through the night with loose female puppets and Michael Irvin before being found early this morning.

Pork had just finished giving his acceptance speech, in which he said:

Hello everyone and thank you. This is Dennis Pork, the alter ego of the guy whose hand is currently up my rear end. In fact I think this violates the gay marriage ban, and I’m calling the cops.

Thank you all for attending this Blog Conference. I’m glad all of your parents could give you a ride down here for this momentous event. I mean, a blogging conference – I haven’t seen this many white people excited since the last Fleetwood Mac reunion.

In all seriousness, though, thanks to Wispolitics for the award and for all the support I have gotten from the blogosphere while getting my blog up and running. Special thanks to Charlie Sykes, Bill Christofferson and Jessica McBride for exposing my blog to their audiences. And special thanks to the guys who have been doing this a lot longer and better than I have – the true pioneers of the Cheddarsphere.

If I had one challenge for blogs in Wisconsin, though, it is to try to push yourselves to do more and more of your own writing. You all have a lot of talent – and I want to know more about what you think and what you feel. With all due respect, if I want to know what Charlie thinks about something, I’ll go visit his site. Send me to sites I wouldn’t normally visit – touch on topics that I may not know about. Most importantly, keep writing and get your friends to start a blog. The more voices in the Wisconsin marketplace of ideas, the better.

I can’t wait to read what the bloggers have to say about this conference. And for the record, if you are blogging about a conference about blogging, send me your e-mail address so I can send you a picture ofwhat a naked woman looks like. I hear those are available on the internet now. Again, thank you for the award and for the great work that everyone here does.

"This is a tragedy of epic proportions," said famous blogger Jessica McBride, adding, "In the end, though, it was clearly the mainstream media (MSM) that killed Dennis." Conference participant Ed Garvey tearfully said, "who is going to be around to point out the indisputable fact that I have my head up my ass?"

The cause of death is officially being listed as death by overdose, but police are still looking for the whereabouts of a Mr. Owen Robinson of West Bend, Wisconsin. Word is, he has been impossible to track down these last couple of weeks, appearing on television, radio, in the newspaper, and as Epstein in the "Welcome Back Kotter" reunion that aired last Friday.

Pork will be remembered in a service held tomorrow at TGI Friday's, where he will be slathered in barbeque sauce and guests will be able to partake in eating his ribs. Only contributions of cole slaw are being accepted.