Thursday, March 09, 2006

Charlie Sykes - King of the RINOS

Milwaukee (AP) - Charlie Sykes received a blistering rebuke today from "true" conservatives, upset at his recent column indicating a tolerance for gay marriage. "It's clear that Charlie's a RINO, as he's obviously whored himself out to the pro-homo-testicle lobby," said editor of the Wisconsin Conservative Digest and part time resident of Planet Earth Bob Dohnal.

"It is impermissible for anyone that calls themself a conservative to disagree with right-wing values in any way, so Charlie's membership is now revoked," said Dohnal, who called for Charlie to be recalled from his talk show position. "I don't care how many poorly punctuated, gramatically-challenged e-mails written in all lower case that I have to send out to my list of 300 names, we will get Sykes for his endorsement of this hedonistic lifestyle," said Dohnal.

Dohnal cited a rock-solid scientific poll he conducted on his website that showed that 98% of people in Wisconsin had never been married to a gay person. (The poll has a margin of error of 100%.) More importantly, 100% of the 4,765 votes originating from Dohnal's basement were opposed to gay marriage.

Real conservatives ripped Sykes for turning his back on the rock solid traditional conservative values of family, religion, and a belief that God sent Hurricane Katrina to punish us for Ryan Seacrest. "I don't think Charlie has thought about how badly his position will split Republicans in Southeastern Wisconsin," said state employee J.J. Blonien. "Even by Sykes' standards, this is a cave-in of truly pathetic proportions," said Blonien, who also serves as translator for State Senator Tom Reynolds, as Reynolds speaks in tongues.

"It's almost like he has his own opinion," said a sobbing, inconsolable Peter DiGaudio, who promised he would now begin referring to the talk show host as Charlie Sykes (RINO-White Swallow). "No more hat tips for him," said DiGaudio.

The York Blog has learned that Sykes' invitation to the 2006 Homo-Fascism Conference has been revoked. Instead, organizer Ralph Ovadal has scheduled a special seminar, entitled "Charlie Sykes: Modern Day Caligula?" This will be followed by break out discussion sessions entitled "Hello, Police? There's a Man in My Neighbor's Butt," "Daddy, Why Can't I Go to Real School," and "We Respect the Rights of All Citizens... to Burn Down a Homo's House." Following the conference, attendees will head over to La Cage for the Limbo contest.

"Dohnal? That fu**er's nuts," said Ovadal.