Thursday, February 16, 2006

Vacation



I'm taking next week off from the blog - so feel free to peruse some of my past posts that I wrote before anyone ever started reading this thing. Here's the first one that seemed to get any attention:

KEEP YOUR LAWS OUT OF MY PANTS

I have a “bone” to pick with our state government.

Taxes are too high, overregulation is stifling our economy, we are at war, and the balance of the Supreme Court is in question. However, our news media has missed one crucial story that may trump the rest in importance. I bring you Wisconsin State Statute 942.08(1)(a), the definition of “public nudity,” which states:

942.08(1)(a)
(a) "Nude or partially nude person" means any human being who has less than fully and opaquely covered genitals, pubic area or buttocks, any female human being who has less than a fully opaque covering over any portion of a breast below the top of the nipple, or any male human being with covered genitals in a discernibly turgid state.

That’s right: boners are illegal in Wisconsin.

The thought police are on the prowl – how is it possible for any male to short circuit the direct line (the “Batphone, if you will) between his brain and his pants? I believe it is my right as an American to walk in public in any “state” that I feel is appropriate.

Suppose I want to go out and get my mail after a couple hours of watching MTV's "Spring Break Weekend." Would the cops rush up to my door and slap the cuffs on (or in this case, one small cuff)? Would I have to sit in a jail cell with murderers, rapists, and plagiarizers and have to explain that I was in there because a cable station decided to play “Charlie’s Angels” reruns in the afternoon?

Can you imagine the floor debate on the insertion of this law? Was it tucked discreetly into a larger bill? Did it con its way into state law by buying the statute books a few drinks and playing some Marvin Gaye records?

I imagine the floor debate went something like this:

Pro-boner ban representative: "Mr. Speaker, I rise in order to speak about a danger that is plaguing society. Kids these days with their rap music and boners are going to eradicate humanity. Keep in mind, I have no idea how children are made or that stiffies are essential to procreation."

Anti-boner ban representative: "Mr Speaker, I would like to rise, but unfortunately I am having trouble standing up right now without making an embarassing adjustment."

(This representative accepted lucrative campaign contribution from Swedish "pump" companies.)

This law doesn't discriminate on the basis of age. If you're an elderly Viagra user and your condition persists for more than four hours, you may have to consult an attorney before you consult your physician. For teenage boys, cops could round up sting operations at the same time the Kohl's womens' underwear ads are mailed. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue coming to my house would have turned into the OJ trial.

If you find yourself potentially in violation of the law, calm down, lock your doors and windows, and turn on the WNBA for five minutes. This is guaranteed to clear it right up.

This cosmic injustice must be corrected. Some brave legislator must stand up, tall and strong, and challenge the otherwise flaccid Legislature to repeal this law. My suggestion: Representative Jeff Wood.