Monday, February 06, 2006

Swann Set to Become The Black Republican



(AP) - According to sources, Pittsburgh's Super Bowl win on Sunday vaulted former Steeler Lynn Swann into frontrunner status in his quest to become The Black Republican. The position of Black Republican has been vacant since the retirement of Congressman J.C. Watts, also a former football player. While Swann's race is expected to help him pick up votes in the African American community, it is also clear he will lose votes from the demographic of voters who refuse to even buy colored chalk.

"It's been a while since Republicans had someone they could point to and say 'hey, we love black people - that guy is a Republican.' And now, in Lynn Swann, we have found 'that guy," said RNC Chair Ken Mehlman. "Swannie will be able to draw on his extensive experience holding a microphone on the sidelines in his quest to run one of the most crucial economies in the nation," said Mehlman.

When asked what makes his career in football relevant to running a state government, Swann said, "It's easy. There was this one time against the Jets when Coach Noll called a play to be run out of the Tiger formation. But I saw one of the linebackers shadowing me, so in the huddle, I said 'no way, man' and I changed the formation to Roscoe. Franco Harris then ran for four yards, all because of my audible. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know about leadership and balancing budgets, nothing will."

Many anti-abortion groups are calling on Swann to affirm his pro-life stance, which he did Sunday. "There was this one time against Dallas, where I was supposed to run a fly route, but I saw Too Tall Jones trying to kill the play before it had a chance. So I broke off my route, ran a slant, and caught an eight yard pass to make sure that play happened. If elected, I promise to keep running inter-uterine slant routes."

Local fan Todd Marinelli, when asked who he would be voting for in the upcoming election, said "Yeah Steelers! Woo Hoo!," adding "Boo, civil rights!"

Marinelli was referring to the Pennsylvania gubernatorial election, where Swann will be facing former Philadelphia Mayor and current Governor Ed Rendell in November. It figures to be a tight race, as Rendell is a lifelong public servant with years of experience in politics and governing, while Swann can run really fast.

Swann announced that he would be naming Franco Harris to his administration, as Secretary of Awkwardly Dark Beards.