Sunday, February 12, 2006

Geena Davis Urges Feingold to Pull Out

Washington, D.C. (Reuters) - A late night meeting between a phony president and a phony presidential candidate took an unexpected turn last night as Geena Davis invoked the legal principle of coitus interruptus on U.S. Senator Russell "The Love Muscle" Feingold. Feingold, divorced 23 times, had invited Davis (best known for her role on ABC's The Breast Wing) back to his office to offer her a position on his staff.

According to reports, the evening began innocently enough with Feingold inviting President Mackenzie Allen out for dinner. Upon being seated at Kenny Rogers Roasters, the conversation took a ribald turn when Feingold pressed Davis for a timetable on withdrawal of her boobs from her blouse. Despite being a staunch advocate of campaign finance reform, Feingold offered to make a substantial, yet covert, deposit in Davis' account. Davis countered that any heat seeking missles that may be launched at her constituted an act of pre-emptive war on her booty, and were not welcome.

Things turned around quickly when Feingold spiked Davis' mashed potatoes with "Senator Feelgood's magic love juice." When they arrived at the Senator's Capitol Hill office, Davis was surprised to see a heart shaped waterbed in Feingold's office, under a neon sign offering "dime mustache rides." Feingold then stated he was filing an open records request to determine the contents of Davis' pants. He seductively offered Davis the chance to have a face to face meeting with the new House Majority Leader, John Boner.

Davis clarified that she didn't normally "do this on the first date," a disclosure which is legally required of women who sleep around extensively. The encounter was halted briefly when Capital Times columnist John Nichols emerged from Feingold's anus.

Following the encounter, Feingold had intended on using his trademark "cut and run" maneuver, where he looks for his pants and begins talking about the important meetings he has to attend in the morning. His staff, however, report that they keep Feingold's schedule blocked off from between 8 AM and 12 PM every day to allow him a chance to gaze at himself in the mirror.

Reacting to reports that he has yet to call Davis, Feingold said that he has been "like, totally slammed at work, my cell phone battery is dead, and my roommate is going through some personal stuff." Feingold stated that he would "totally call her soon," before he broke into hysterical laughter.