Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Doyle Announces Increased Funding for Retarded Idol Contestants



Madison (AP) - Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle today unveiled what figures to be a major provision in his re-election health care platform in the upcoming year. Doyle announced a new plan, called "Idolcare" that would provide increased mental health funding for several American Idol contestants that appeared to wander onto the set from a Special Olympics javelin competition.

When asked how to pay for the program, Doyle indicated the state could save approximately $42 million next year by cutting back on Paula Abdul's allotment of anti-depressants and birth control pills.

Ineligible for Idolcare funding is pretty boy vocalist Ace Young, who is about to set the record for world's largest panty collection, narrowly edging Victoria's Secret. Young was recently named FEMA director, as he will personally be able to repopulate the State of Louisiana by the year 2012.

Many viewers were upset this week when their TiVos malfunctioned and recorded the incorrect show. When the computer saw that two contestants were named Kellie Pickler and Heather Cox, it accidentally taped "Pickler and Cox" on the Spice Channel. (If Idol truly has 40 million viewers per show, then that joke is made approximately 40 million times nightly.)

A flaw in the voting process was revealed this week when 28 million households voted for contestant Brenna Gethers to be eaten alive onstage by gaunt coyotes. Producers were spared having to carry through on the voters' wishes when Gethers was accidentally mistaken for a stack of buttery flapjacks and devoured by fellow contestant Mandisa.

Before Doyle's plan can become law, it must first be approved by a majority of the members of Randy's Dog Pound.

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Here's an honest to God poll on the Idol official webpage: (it will probably be gone by tomorrow)

In their next performances, the Top 10 girls will:

A. Kick it up a notch

B. Hit their stride

C. Impress the judges

D. Triumph over their nerves

"Triumph over their nerves" barely held off "kick it up a notch" (41% to 38%), despite Emeril Lagasse's right arm falling off after voting for 22 straight hours. Coming in a distant third was "Peg Lautenschlager" at 8%.