Sunday, February 26, 2006

Bucher Orders 27 Pizzas to Van Hollen's House



The Wisconsin Attorney General's race took a decidedly negative turn yesterday when Waukesha County District Attorney Paul Bucher ordered 27 pepperoni pizzas to his challenger's residence. The move was called a "cheap but delicious shot" by J.B Van Hollen, who is battling Bucher for the Republican nomination to be the state's "top cop." On top of each pizza were the words "Suck it, Van Hollen!" in anchovies.

Bucher has been criticized recently for his near-nuclear assault on candidates of both parties in the race to become Attorney General. He accused Van Hollen's campaign of being "broke" in a February press release while he himself had to loan his own campaign $55,000. Bucher has also pounded away on Democrats Kathleen Falk and Peg Lautenschlager for being soft on crime. Things got slightly out of hand during a radio appearance last week, when Bucher and Falk began to grapple and Bucher performed the "Rude Awakening" move on her, made famous by "Every Woman's Fantasy," Ravishing Rick Rude. (R.I.P)

Lautenschlager shot back at Bucher, saying that her program to keep alcohol out of the hands of young people was a resounding success. In fact, she noted that she personally confiscated a couple bottles of Night Train from Steve's Liquor Store earlier that day, to be sure they didn't fall into the wrong hands. Falk noted that as solicitor general, she once successfully prosecuted a feral goldfish for performing African hair braiding without the requisite state license. She also noted that she had recently purchased The Season 3 "Cops" DVD, but tearily admitted she had not watched it yet.

"Bucher's tactics are pretty much run of the mill for such a high profile campaign, which is clearly why we need campaign finance reform," said University of Wisconsin political science professor Bernard Redding. "Of course, I am a UW professor, which means I pretty much have my head up my ass most of the time," said Redding, adding, "I sit here and look at pictures of Natalie Portman on my computer all day why my TAs teach my classes - what the hell do I know about politics?"

Bucher's poll numbers have improved lately, with a recent St. Norbert's poll showing him gaining popularity among the much sought after "People Who Don't Want to be Shot in the Face by a Negro" demographic. Bucher, however, is losing ground quickly among the "People Who Really Want to Steal Their Neighbor's Plasma TV" voting constituency.

Last week Bucher promised voters that as AG, he would carry a night stick and personally beat the holy crap out of anyone that looks like a "punk or gangster." Bucher vowed that he would protect the public from murderers, drug dealers, and tight ends. When reached for comment, long-time political observer The Grim Reaper said "That motherf---er is hard core. Keep him away from me."

Van Hollen noted that as Attorney General, he would carry through with his initiative to deliver a flaming bag of poop to Bucher's house.