Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Why Won't the Mainstream Media Cover My Turd?

A Column of Personal Opinion by Dennis York

Tensions reached a fever pitch last night as I dueled to the death with my own bowels. Helicopters flew above my house, protesters marched with signs emploring me to "Free the Poop." Emergency medical personnel were standing by with the jaws of life to extract my nemesis, or to treat me in the event the artery in my forehead burst. Lawyers were on hand to finalize my will, and local clergy were preparing my last rites.

Upon completion of the three hour negotiation process, I finally released my small, brown hostage, who exited sideways. But where were the local "mainstream" media to cover my monument to rectal accomplishment? Nowhere, that's where. They would rather cover "real" news like shootings, corruption, and the Iraq war than cover my herculean feat of excrementary gymnastics.

I mean, the Iraq war? Aren't we sick of hearing about that already? Bill O'Reilly said we won that thing a while ago, didn't he? Isn't war coverage just an attempt by the liberal media to make the most popular President ever look bad?

So why are the media refusing to cover my turd? They are obviously biased against me. That's right - I'm the one person in the state willing to stand up to the corrupt media machine in this state. Obviously, nobody else has the stones to write an anonymous blog with no accountability to demand that same accountability of the media. They are completely out of touch with what the people want - I actually just read a poll that said 67% of people in Wisconsin defacate. Who is reporting on their needs? Do I need to use more italics for you to get the point?

To demand answers, I e-mailed Milwaukee Journal Sentinel managing editor George Stanley to complain about his complete lack of symapthy and interest in this major story. Here is his response:

Dear Mr. York:

Thank you for your thoughtful e-mail about your "killer dookie." We here at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel take all requests for story coverage seriously. Although we were tipped off by a source deep within your large intestine of the impending danger about to befall you and the Madison sewerage system, our in-house reporter normally assigned to cover feculence was himself tied up in a rectal grudge match here in the office restroom.


I offer my sincerest apologies for failing to cover the birth of your "Cleveland Steamer." It is clear that your courageous experience would likely serve as an inspiration for others who likewise ingest a noxious amount of huevos rancheros.

XOXOXO,

George

By refusing to cover this explosive topic, some reporter is forgoing the chance to win the esteemed Poo-litzer Prize. Additionally, it is clear that the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel doesn't have any particular aversion to covering turds - they routinely publish articles about Michael McGee.