Sunday, January 08, 2006

UW Scientists to Harvest Seniors for their Coupons


Madison - A promising new research practice at the UW reportedly allows researchers to terminate elderly citizens in order to harvest their valuable coupons. "This is a real breakthrough," said lead researcher Hank Willingham. "Not only are seniors in abundant supply, but it got me half off on a pair of loafers at Payless Shoe Source," said Willingham.

Governor Jim Doyle, a staunch supporter of the practice, accentuated the positive economic effects this groundbreaking scientific research could have to the state. "Harvesting these valuable coupons will stimulate purchasing in the state, as the coupons will be used by more active individuals," said Doyle, citing "Double Coupon" Tuesdays at Pick n' Save as proof his plan is working. In fact, Doyle has promised to build a research lab valued at $675 million to conduct this type of research. The building originally cost $750 million, bout Doyle used a 10% off any new construction coupon he recovered from one of the specimens.

"What the research does is take a lifeless cluster of cells that happens to be 80 years old and living at home alone, and terminates it, which yields limitless cost savings," said Jamie Thomson, nationally renowned researcher and host of syndicated show "Dance Fever: The Next Generation." "No longer do these coupons have to sit in a cigar box above the stove - they can be used to cure people of having to pay too much for a can of tuna," said Thomson. "By the time they reach a certain age, their quality of life can't be great anyway, which renders their lives meaningless," said Thomson, finishing a Philly Cheese Steak Hot Pocket he purchased for 25 cents off.

Researchers are dazzled by this new procedure, as there are a nearly limitless supply of senior citizen cell clusters to be used. Researchers usually scout out subjects for the research at area fish fries at 4:00 on Friday afternoons. "Yeah, I see them in here every Friday," said Joan Scheible, owner of the Stamm House in Middleton. "The guys in the white lab coats come and snatch up an old lady every week, but not before enjoying the best fish fry in the Greater Madison area," added Scheible.

The University of Wisconsin is also seen as a leading center for little known research known as "stem cell research," which purports to treat diseases such as Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and coprophilia, as well as making low fat ice cream tastier and fixing the Packers' problems at right offensive guard. Stem cell research has no downside except for the fact that a human must be cloned and then killed to harvest the cells, but Thomson aid that no serious person appears to have any problem with that minor procedure.

The coupon research, however, has been criticized by some right wing nutjobs who obviously want people to suffer by paying twenty to thirty cents more for Jolly Green Giant frozen peas. "This research is obviously ethical, because the UW says it is - and who knows ethics better than the smart people at the UW?" said recently appointed UW Vice President of Ethics, Paul Barrows. "Who is in a better position to determine what procedure is ethical than the very organization that will benefit the most from its practice?" said Barrows.

Rising conservative star A&W Root Beer Bear disagreed. "A life is a life, no matter what stage it is in," said the Bear. "Look, nobody opposes the research or the benefits that come with it. But you can't rationalize the termination of human life based on what future long term benefit you may realize. It doesn't matter what the quality of life that human life may have had, or whether that person has been born or not. All we're asking is to slow down so people fully understand the moral and ethical issues we're dealing with, because once it happens, it's gone forever," said the Bear.