Sunday, January 22, 2006

New Doyle Toupee Under Federal Investigation

Madison - Federal prosecutors dropped a bombshell today when they announced that Governor Doyle’s new hairpiece would be subpoenaed to testify against Doyle in an ongoing ethics investigation. The hairpiece has been granted partial immunity in return for full cooperation in the investigation of several of Doyle's ethical problems.

“During many of the shady deals Doyle was involved in, it was only Doyle, the donor, and the toupee in the room,” said U.S. Attorney Stephen Biskupic. Doyle has come under federal investigation due to a travel contract awarded to Adelman Travel, after he received a $10,000 contribution from Craig Adelman, the company’s president. “What struck us as strange is that Adelman won the contract despite providing travel exclusively by rickshaw,” said Biskupic.

“I have at no time ever worn a hairpiece, and I don’t know anything about any crimes,” said Doyle in a prepared statement. A year long investigation, however, has produced one anonymous, brave witness who is willing to testify that Doyle is, in fact, wearing a toupee. "Yeah, it was definitely a wig," said the witness. "During one meeting, he was hungry, and he reached up and pulled a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out from underneath his hair. That was the first tip off," he said. Strangely, no photographs of Doyle before 2005 were available.

According to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, Omega Travel beat out Adelman by 21 points in the grading for state contracts, yet the contract was given to Adelman. Things went bad for Adelman when Omega blocked a field goal in the third quarter and ran it all the way back to give them the 21 point lead.

The York Blog has uncovered much of the toupee’s sordid past, including an eight year stint in Riker’s Island in the 1970s for plagiarism and beating a PETA volunteer nearly to death. He received 20 years for claiming that he had written passages of “Anna Karenina,” but the sentence was reduced by 12 years for his brutal beating of the PETA activist.

The toupee also did a short time in prison after admitting to stealing a kishka. He was eventually hunted down and captured by an angry mob of Polka fans, who had been demanding to know his identity for years.

In return for his cooperation in the Doyle case, the hairpiece will be sentenced to probation and 100 hours of watching Jenna Elfman's new television show. He will also be placed in the hairpiece relocation program and assigned to Chuck Chvala, virtually guaranteeing nobody will ever see him again.

“As in any case, it’s not the crime, but the cover up that got him in trouble,” said Biskupic.

Get it? Cover up? Toupee? Never mind.