Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Doyle Under Investigation by Oprah's Book Club



Chicago - Modern day slattern deity Oprah Winfrey went on offense against Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle today, accusing him of not being honest with her legion of unshowered viewers. Doyle, worried that voters will avoid him like a thrift store jock strap in November, went on Winfrey's show to clear his name.

Doyle has come under criticism recently for allegedly not telling the truth about his involvement in awarding state contracts to state donors, for inflating the effect of his supposed "property tax freeze" and for claiming he one played the part of "Rerun" on the 70's show What's Happenin'.

Oprah's viewers were riveted as they watched the interview play out while stuffing their fat faces with Cherry Garcia, polishing the nails on their nasty feet, and narrowly escaping a visit from child protective services for one more day.

Doyle has been able to duck law enforcement punishment up to this point, claiming insanity and impotence as his defense. To prove his case on the show, he attempted to set fire to his pants, but accidentally burned campaign chair Marc Marotta, whose lips were attached to Doyle's ass at the time.

Midway through the interview, a teary Doyle admitted to selling off state government to the highest bidder. He admitted specifically to giving the state travel contract to Adelman Travel not only because they gave his campaign $20,000, but because they threw in a shiny pair of wings to wear on his shirt that he thought were "totally cool." Doyle said the contract was given out by a civil service employee who he didn't know, hadn't met, wasn't sure she actually existed, and was pretty sure that if she did exist, likely smelled like potato salad. Potato salad immediately issued a press release denying any involvement.

Doyle's challengers pounced on his legal problems immediately after they became known. Unable to sell off state contracts, Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker claimed he would be running a clean campaign, which explained why he currently had received contributions of $11.93, an unbreakable comb, and a copy of "The Gap Band's Greatest Hits" during the recent fundraising period.

Following the show, Oprah sentenced Doyle to three years of watching her own show. It was a rare chance for Oprah's viewers to see a political figure, as most of them think Geena Davis was "totally" wrong to invade Iraq. Oprah's Book Club has become a national juggernaut despite the fact that the last thing read by 97% of Winfrey's viewers was their child support check.

Reached for comment on the episode, Oprah's viewers' children said "Where's daddy?"

In completely unrelated news, Wisconsin blogger Jessica McBride was imprisoned for overdosing on too many exclamation points in one post. Cops began to be suspicious when exclamation points started disappearing from Wisconsin keyboards, only to find out McBride had been sneaking into homes and stealing them. As part of her probation, she will be forced to stop signing her name with a little heart over the "i."

SIDE NOTE: If I ever do anything that involves four exclamation points, it better not be something I can tell my wife about.