Sunday, January 29, 2006

Bush Hires Earl Hickey to Turn Presidency Around

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a surprise move today, President Bush announced that he would be hiring Earl Hickey of "My Name is Earl" fame to turn around his administration's karma. "This is an important day in our nation's history," said Bush, who plans to make Hickey's hiring the centerpiece of his State of the Union message on Tuesday.

Bush said he had hoped Hickey's advice could help turn around his sagging poll numbers. At the height of his presidency, Bush's favorable rating was 104%, as he garnered the support of nearly every living human plus unanimous support from unborn fetuses. Currently, Bush's favorability rating is mired in the low 40's, which experts claim put Bush somewhere between "shampoo" and "Tony Danza."

In private meetings previous to the announcement, Hickey had consulted Bush to "make a list" of things he had done wrong that he could fix to improve his karma. Through investigative reporting, the York blog was able to find out some of the items on Bush's list.

"Number thirty four - return the pigs I stole as a fraternity prank at Yale."

"Number sixty five - to make up for ordering the assasination of former President Palmer, add dental coverage to Jack Bauer's benefit package."

"Number seventy seven - make up for starting a difficult war that I wasn't prepared for, bungling the post-war operations and costing the lives of American soldiers."

"Number one hundred and four - give Condi back her Suddenly Susan Season One DVD."

Fortunately for Bush, he was already able to scratch off number twenty three (Harriet Miers) from his list. Not only did he pull Miers' appointment and replace her with Samuel Alito, he also hit Miers in the head with a shovel and buried the body, which makes up for about ten percent of that debacle.

At the press conference, Bush apologized to Carrie Sylvester of Youngstown, Ohio, for wiretapping one of her phone calls. "My apologies to Mrs. Sylvester, who clearly didn't want her husband to know she was sleeping with the guy who cleans her pool," said Bush. "In order to cross her off my list, I will make sure she gets $2 billion in Medicare dollars to purchase an ointment to clear up that little 'problem' she has developed as a result of her trysts," said Bush. Shortly after the press conference, Sylvester set herself on fire.

Bush was set to name Jenna Elfman deputy of karma relations, but was disappointed when he found out she was no longer "Dharma."