Monday, December 19, 2005

UW Begins Search for New Dean at Local Hooters



Madison – University of Wisconsin System President Kevin Reilly today announced the UW’s plans to begin a statewide search for their next dean at area Hooters restaurants. “Only someone that sits at the bar at Hooters all afternoon can truly improve the quality of individual we’re looking for to lead our universities,” said Reilly while wiping sweet baby back barbeque sauce off of his mustache.

The UW System has recently received a great deal of negative publicity stemming from the behavior of their administrators. Paul Barrows, the appropriately titled Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs at UW-Madison, has been removed from his position for alleged sexual harassment and for running through the women on campus like he had a week to live. UW-Whitewater Dean Lee Jones has been accused of using $50,000 in money for his own personal uses, and other UW employees have spent time in prison for sexually assaulting young girls and stalking young boys on the internet.

"There's no question we need to improve the ethical conduct of our university leadership, because it can't get any worse," said Reilly. "We know we can raise our ethical standard by hiring individuals that sit around, drink beer, and slap scantily clad waitresses on the buttocks all day," said Reilly. "Regular Hooters customers have done their part for the educational system, as they personally fund the cosmetology college tuitions of thousands of trashy white women," added Reilly.

Eager to interview was Frank "Bootyquake" Kowalski, a large mustachioed man wearing an "Amateur Gynecologist" t-shirt. "I ain't much for learnin," said the flatulent Kowalski, as he fell off his bar stool. "But I know I can dean the sh** out of that place," he said, finishing off his 5 Wing Flappertizer meal.

"I knew a guy that went to college once," said Kowalski. "His wife caught him in bed with his girlfriend and she set him on fire. After that, I said no way - no college for me," he said.

"I can see why the UW sees Hooters breastaurants as a hotbed of people with good character," said assistant Middleton branch manager Pat Cleveland. "We are the ultimate family restaurant - good food, clean fun, and if you're lucky, you might get to see a little butt crack," he said. "I can sum up the positive, community-oriented atmosphere at Hooters in two words: No homos," he said.

Reilly said that if the Hooters search is unsuccesful, he will continue his search at strip clubs, massage parlors and 2 Live Crew concerts. Paul Barrows, who accompanied Reilly to Hooters, found the Breast and Thigh Sampler platter to be particularly enticing.

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SIDE NOTE: In doing the rigorous research for this post, I noticed that Hooters donated $225,000 for the Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund. That's nice of them, but don't they have an abundance of floatation devices they could have donated?

DOUBLE SECRET SIDE NOTE: I'm folding up shop here at the blog for a couple weeks to enjoy Christmas and New Year's. I may post something if I'm uniquely inspired, but it will be sporadic, if at all. If you're "jonesing for York," I have plenty of columns from months back that nobody ever read, so be my guest.