Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Falk Details Courageous Battle With Halitosis

A teary-eyed Kathleen Falk today recounted her struggle dealing with a debilitating case of halitosis. "There were some dark days when I could barely show up to work, knowing my breath smelled like I just ate a homeless man's underwear," said an emotional Falk, dabbing her eyes.

Falk, a candidate for Wisconsin Attorney General, held a press conference in a Capitol hearing room this afternoon surrounded by thirty other halitosis survivors. The conference began after local emergency workers resuscitated the press corps after they passed out from the collective odor. “Let me serve as an example for all of those of you out there with stank breath that you can succeed in life with this affliction,” said Falk. “Whether you are born with acrid breath or you just sucked down a plate of tutto pasta with extra garlic, you have friends that are here to support you - and possibly offer you a Listerene breath strip,” said Falk.

Lautenschlager immediately shot back, accusing Falk of accepting excess contributions from Scope (otherwise known as “Big Breath”). Lautenschlager pointed out that Falk’s campaign has spent 63% of their funds on Binaca breath spray. "That is outrageous," said campaign finance reform advocate Jay Heck, who somehow was able to get a quote to the newspaper despite being trapped under a piano in in the Himalayan mountains, half eaten by a bison. It was later discovered that Heck actually donated $3.78 and a copy of his "Boner Jamz '03" video to the Lautenschlager campaign.

Critics say Falk's flagging campaign is trying to emulate the campaign of her opponent, Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager, who has served as a courageous role model to breast cancer survivors nationwide. Falk also responded to Lautenschlager's charge that she doesn't have any criminal prosecutorial experience. "As public intervenor, I was tough on crimes against the environment," said Falk. "I once successfully convicted a crime family of squirrels that were taking more than their share of nuts for the winter. They will never terrorize anyone's bird feeder again," said Falk.

“As attorney general, I will spare no public expense in trying to make myself look as good as possible,” said Falk, vowing to travel the state and hand out twice the number of giant fake checks to seniors who have been swindled by Publisher’s Clearing House as Lautenschlager. “When the Steven Avery trial commences, the public can rest easy that I will be there to improve my own image to the fullest extent possible, no questions asked,” said Falk.

Since the Democratic primary is expected to be hotly contested, Falk staked out her position on Lautenschlager's left flank. "I will work to make sure the right wing agenda of hatred is thwarted," said Falk, adding that she would require all unmarried individuals under the age of 25 to marry a member of the same sex. "I won't rest until you can walk into Denny's and get a free abortion with any purchase of the French Toast Slam with bacon," said Falk.

Falk also remained adamant that the campaign be run clean and focused on the issues. “My campaign is driving the straight and narrow, right down the middle,” said Falk. “We don’t plan on veering into the ditch of dirty politics, and I have made that ever-clear to my campaign workers,” added Falk. “Our vision is 20/20, and we will not allow our campaign to be impaired and swerve all over the issues,” said Falk.